So long and thanks for all the fish

This is probably going to be the last post on here for a very long time.

As you are aware, I haven’t posted since April and it has been for very good reason. I had complications after my surgery and it became very exhausting to exist both physically and emotionally. I made a fuck ton of mistakes, I fucked up a chunk of my life and ended up with a huge infection that hasn’t even been spotted by doctors for a good 6 weeks or so.

Then a lot of trans peoples sites started to get doxxed – mainly by TERFs and I found out that my twitter was listed on a thing that TERFs use – so I did what was best and shut down for a very long time. Kids, don’t get involved in protests and politics unless you prepare yourself for the worst case.

I started panicking and loosing my love of doing this. I hated looking at what I had created and I hated myself. This became a reminder of the one thing I thought I was over but it wasn’t. It was a stark reminder of my rage, my frustration, and I no longer felt good about it.

I will be keeping this up – because one day I would like to come back to this. I also know that lots of people use this as a source of information and I appreciate that.

In other news, Kai, myself and a good friend of ours (who has guest posted several times here) are starting a new website. We have a name and once the final bits are sorted I will be posting a link to it, and I hope as many of you as possible come and join us for this new adventure. It is something we are looking forward to starting and we finally have zero constraints on what we can and cannot write anymore which is a bonus.

From the bottom of my heart I want to thank every one for their love and support over the what, four years this ran?! And who knows. I might come back to this.

Much love and support to all of you

Tyler Charles Austen

PS – For all those haters who are so happy that this is over – the new project is 200% more content with some of our best posts thrown in, with a support network that’s amazing, backing from a group with 7500 members and a fuck ton of friends willing to help – so no, this isn’t the end of me.. Yet.

Hypervisibilty

Being hyper visible in society can be really difficult. There is a huge assumption because it is “obvious” that you are disabled or “visibly queer” you get life a lot easier because you are seen in society. Trust me, whist we are talked about, no it doesn’t get any easier. It is often used more as an excuse to patronise you or treat you like a lesser human being. I do also want to add before I continue that I suffered years having my illnesses being “hidden” and yes it was shit, and people didn’t often believe how much in pain I was or how tired I was, but it was nothing in comparison to what I experience now when I am out in my chair.

Being visible doesn’t mean you are free from discrimination. Trans people who are “visibly trans” are still getting murdered, gay men and lesbians are still being forced into heterosexuality and wheelchair users are seen as second class citizens and have to deal with unemployment based on employers unwilling to make “reasonable adjustments” to the work place.

Gay people do not suffer less oppression because they are more visible by being in same/similar gender relationships. Gay people do not get it easier because they are known more for being gay. There is a huge wave of how gays and lesbians are taking up “too much” space in the LGBT community and that we should bring forward B and T … For starters trans people can be gay or lesbian and secondly talking about same and similar gender attraction does not invalidate bisexuality because that is a part of it and “straight passing” relationships are never the ones that are under attack and subject to violence and oppression. I also hate the phrase straight passing in this situation but trying to word it as cishet by society standards seems wordy as shit.

The same can be said for disabled people who’s disabilities are visible. This doesn’t mean that people with invisible illnesses and disabilities are being talked over, but that there is different needs for different communities and that creating accessible spaces, work laws and equality polices for the ones that are most visible will in turn also make all this safe for those who are not visible in society because everything will already be in place. For example, we need lifts – wheel chair user shouts at person for lift access.. Lift access is now for all people with access needs.

Reasonably short post but in summery hypervisibility does not equate to safety.

Gynecology And Gender

This is the best time for me to post this, as on the 12th I will be undergoing a full hysterectomy and have had to deal with the gynecology department and over coming the weird looks you get as someone who is male presenting turning up in a primarily women’s environment.

I have never liked how gynecology has been. It’s pink, its covered in flowers and it is assumptive of all the sex you have (if you have it, is entirely straight). Even if I wasn’t someone who presented as male, I would be really fucking patronised about the pink obsession that goes into that clinical space. OK I’m talking about Brighton’s Gyno centre, but I’ve heard the same story in so many others by vagina owners across the board that it screams sexism and floral undertones. As someone who has visited recently I can honestly say there is a huge reason why so many people feel uncomfortable getting their cervical screenings done and check ups and it’s the building itself. That and so many gynos never chose the correct speculum sizes and just assume the regular will fit everyone. No. There is a range of sizes for a reason and smears should not be painful to experience. Slight discomfort sure, but if its painful then it’s being done wrong.

Trans men and non binary people need smear tests done if they still have a cervix. This isn’t up for debate, specific cancer screening for vagina owners needs to be open and accessible to ALL vagina owners and making buildings and staff unaware of trans people endangers lives. A trans man doesn’t not want to be misgendered whilst having an examination that could bring him dysphoria, just the same as women want to be treated fairly and pain free. I’m honestly shitting myself over my hysto cause they originally fucked up on what ward I would be staying at, and I don’t think neither myself or the women they wanted to put me in would feel comfortable. I believe I’m going in a private room, but fuck knows at this point.

I am really nervous about how I am going to be treated in hospital and I know that there are some really good nurses but there are also some really shit ones too. I’m nervous because I’m having to expose a part of me that I am not comfortable with being defined with. I am scared that I am going to have so much bleeding it will bring me bad dysphoria and I’m scared that I’m going to be misgendered even though I’ve had top surgery and facial hair now. Trans people shouldn’t be worried about how they are treated in hospitals but this is stuff that constantly goes through our minds because it happens all the time. But we need to change this.

We need to start making cancer screening and specific genital services actually accessible for trans people and not allow poor behavior stop them from accessing things that could save their lives. There should be a care for all patience and not just some of them. It shouldn’t be assumed that everyone is straight and they shouldn’t assume the genital lay out of the partners you sleep with either.

I hope that Thursday goes well for myself and I am not in hospital for long, because the longer I stay, the more likely I am to be treated like shit because I am trans.

The Demonization Of Detransition

Before I start this post. This is not an information piece to be used as leverage against trans people. This is not a blog that agrees with the views of TERFs and it certainly isn’t to push any right wing agenda. This post is to actually bring forth a serious conversation that is scary to talk about but as a trans person it has been something that has come up in my personal life. It’s surprising that I have to actually say that at the beginning of a post, but the moment you mention the word detransition there is a huge panic by the trans community and glee from our oppressors.

Statistically there are so few real cases of people who detransition that there isn’t any direct path way for those who do decide to. You may see a small handful of posts online and a friend might consider it but there actually isn’t this huge collection of trans people out there that do regret transitioning.

But why do people decide to detransition?

There are many factors as to why this is possible. Gender being fluid, feeling worse than what they felt like originally, no money, no support, feeling like they have no ability to “pass” as the gender they are, medical complications… In all honesty there are many MANY reasons why a person would feel like they need to detransition. Very rarely it has anything to do with regret and even rarer has it been because someone has not known what they are doing and have been rushed into it by doctors. This is often though what the media and what the people who oppose trans rights would have you believe. That people are being forced to medically transition without the knowledge and understanding and regretting it later. Trust me, the average time it takes for someone to transition is 10 years. This is the basic pathway and not including extra steps and other pathways you can choose. This all starts off with about a year waiting for your very first gender clinic appointment, seeing counsellors, doctors and therapists before hormones and surgery are even considered. People who do transition are 99% fully aware of what is involved and there is no coercion or forced gender change, so we can put all those ideas to bed now.

Why is it not talked about though?

Because honestly we are scared of this conversation. We are scared that it makes us look bad. For fuck sake I needed to put a disclaimer at the beginning of this because when someone feels they need to detransition, the right wing shit bags and TERFs rub their hands together like they are winning a fight. No you are not winning a fight, it’s just some people do not have the strength to continue and that’s fucking OK.

I’ve been honest before and said that if I had known now what I do about my physical health, I may have partially detransitioned. I wouldn’t have put myself in a situation where a medical menopause affected me that badly. I am slowly getting through it, and what happened to me was so fucking rare it hasn’t even been a thing discussed till recently, but I may have not gone on T. I had until recently not wanted to talk about it because so many people are scared of the idea of people wanting to detransition.

I think it’s time to open a dialogue, a safe one. One that’s only done with trans people and work out how we can protect those who think this needs to be an option for them

The Theme Reveal Of 2018

April is coming and it’s another chance to attempt the A-Z challenge. Last year was a total disaster where I had to drop out half way through but the year previously was a success.

This years theme is about “Gender and Disability – looking critically and how to be more intersectional” This sounds like a total mouthful and yes I have made me work my fucking ass off this year but it was something I could actually do for a month that would still keep the ethos of what my blog was for originally.

If you have joined me because of the A-Z master post, hello!!! Some of the stuff might be confusing, some might be uncomfortable also. Whilst I am catering this month to the idea that there will be a lot of people reading this who have not only never encountered a trans person, let alone a disabled one – I will not be toning down language either and I will be pulling apart the cisgender heterosexual able bodied approach to life and how we need to adjust society.

Some posts have already been written in advance – on the 12th I am having major surgery. If I am slow to reply to comments and stuff. That is why.

Any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. I’m more than happy to talk about certain things on here. Good luck to every writer taking part this month and I look forward to looking at what everyone has done

TC Austen

Trans Is Not Just For The Young

Most of the time when you see people mention about being trans (especially in the media) they are often in their teens, white, able bodied and often have a planned out set idea of what transition means to them and a goal plan set into motion. Surprisingly, in the real world and especially not online, this is not the case. Whilst white, I can certainly put to bed the suggestion as I started transition after my teenage years and I’m certainly not able bodied.

People are coming out in their later years more and more and this is bucking the trend of assumption that everyone has to be young to be trans. But why is this the case?

There are many reasons why people are coming out later and later but the truth of the matter is that we are having more of an open dialog of gender and sexuality and it is feeling like it is safer to be LGBT then it did many years ago. There is more access to medical care these days and we have so many resources at our finger tips.

It is becoming common for trans people to start transition in their 30s 40s and 50s now and this is because people have finally learned that they are not the only ones who are feeling the way that they do. That its OK to be who you are and you are not alone. Gender and sexuality has become a hot topic and it has saved lives.

If you you have started your transition later, please feel free to comment as to why you started when you did, we would love to hear from you

Performative Bullshit

Do you know what really grinds my gears? Performative Allies. I’ve got to a point now in my life where I’m just sick and tired of having to hand hold cis people and able bodied people to just do the most basic of things and I’m tired of them needing the goddamn cookies all the time.

OK, I just want to tell you all this. EVERY TRANS PERSON IS TIRED OF HAND HOLDING CIS PEOPLE!! We may act nice and polite but that’s because we know for a fucking fact that you will throw it in our face if we show frustration. Trust me, you can Google that gender question you might have, and no we probably don’t know your friend that’s transitioning but you are misgendering them through each painful comment you are stating about them. No we don’t need you to comment about how we should be passing and no, your comments about pronouns are just not needed when they have been explained to you 50 million times. We are tired of your little micro aggressions, like telling us we will get treated better when we are nice and polite. We shouldn’t have to confirm to the ideals of passing to be treated like a human being, and stop comparing trans people to drag culture.

Like actually fucking stop that shit

I’m being fucking serious

Being at the Phillip Starr community tent and seeing the portraits of trans people working, right next to drag queens was a fine fucking example of alliship gone fucking wrong. TRANS PEOPLE ARE NOT DRAG PERFORMERS. STOP PUTTING US IN THE SAME CATEGORY. You can be cis and do drag, you can be trans and do drag but they are not the same fucking thing, and to put cis drag queens next to trans women, you are (all be if unintentional) implying that their presentation is just a performance and not their actual life. It might not have been on purpose and I hope that next year more consideration towards trans people will happen.

I’m not even going to get into the disaster that was even the terrible rubber matting that was used as a “ramp” that caused injury during community day and I’m certainly not going to go into the fact that a member of the public had to assist me with the matting on the grass because IT WASN’T EVEN ACCESSIBLE. LIKE COME ON, ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIRS AND MUD DON’T MIX BUT YOU KNOW, WHATEVER. I am going to add though that apart from that , community day was amazing, if was lovely to see so many people and I really hope lunch positive got a lot of money for the work they did on that day and the prep day a few days previously.

Everyone acts like they do everything in their fucking power to help disabled people, but Brighton fucking sucks if you are disabled and honestly no one actually does make things easier for us to just get about in our day to day lives. We don’t want fucking parties run in our honour and we don’t want fucking perks. We want venues to be accessible, we want to be treated with respect and we don’t want companies saying they will help us and when the cookies dry up, you then forget that we fucking exist.

Maybe actually help your disabled friends when they need it. For examples STOP GOING TO VENUES WE CAN’T GET INTO. Do you know how shit it is for us to see you all go to venues with zero access for disabled people, or for that matter, friends going to venues where the staff are problematic and cause pain?? Yeah, we know that there are loads of you that STILL go to venues that have ablist, transphobic, racist and anti Semitic staff members. You don’t think we don’t notice this shit. You then come to us saying “oh we want to help” but don’t do anything. Here is something you can do.. STOP SPENDING MONEY IN SHIT VENUES. And I’m saying this especially to my LGBT friends, cause you do this shit more than the cis hets. Your performative bullshit is just as fucking annoying, if not more so because we fucking expect better from you. STOP GOING TO PLACES THAT ARE FULL OF SHIT HEADS!!

I know I sound like a huge party pooper but Jesus fucking Christ this has become fucking frustrating. You are literally giving money to things that cause us pain, and that means there is nothing going to the places and things that actually support us as trans and disabled people. Actually support trans and disabled business. And not just do it for the fucking cookies but for us to actually improve our lives.

Give us a fucking platform worth having and pay us for our labour or fuck off .. We are done with your bullshit, no more free cookies till you help us!!!

Dysphoria Blues

It’s weird because some days I am perfectly fine. I can go weeks and months without hating every inch of my body…

Today is really not one of those days though.

I’ve had my lower surgery pushed back and I know it’s not on purpose and I know that it’s only by a few weeks but it’s just little reminders like this that remind me that I’m not cis and that I need to get rid of something that distresses me so fucking badly.

I know logically that it will be over soon, but in the past couple of weeks I’ve been called she twice and that’s been a fucking kick in the head too. Both were really confused accidents but it’s just something that still cuts me up.

That and Charing Cross have fucked my appointment about also, so I’m just really feeling it lately. Hopefully all of this will just get better really soon.

Top Surgery – A Year On

So I finally hit my surgery anniversary and there is no balloons nor candles , nor do I feel even in the mood to celebrate getting rid of the one thing in my life that was causing me the most distress. Honestly it has just felt like every other period of my life throughout the past 12 months. 

I mean yes, I’m fucking happy that they are banished from my life, but it has been the hardest pill to swallow. If you are new here (hi) it’s also the marking point where I was last physically well. This point is the pivotal moment when my body gave up on me and I spend a lot of my time going out in an electric chair. I am trying to look at the positives but I can tell you now it doesn’t end up all sunshine and rainbows for me at the end of the tunnel. 

Believe me, I’m fucking happy with my results of surgery and I’m looking forward to my hysto next month but I am just so fucking tired all the time. I at least wanted a couple of good years with my body before it packed up on me. I just wanted to be a real boy ™ for at least a moment before I needed mobility aids. 

I know you were kind of expecting something a little more positive, but I am just so tired of being trans and barely human anymore 

Hysterectomy History

Today I got my letter to say I’m getting my hysto and I’m really fucking hyped about this. 

🎼say goodbye to babies

Seriously though I have been waiting for this letter for a solid couple of months now and I finally have a finishing point (?) to my transition. It’s been long over due but nearly at 31 years old I am nearly finished with all this bullshit. 

Plus I’m moving on from shots to gel soon so that is going to make my life a million times easier now. So I’m quite excited about that. 

I will post more news when I have a confirmed date, but womb has been given it’s final eviction notice, it is now time to leave