Top Surgery – A Year On

So I finally hit my surgery anniversary and there is no balloons nor candles , nor do I feel even in the mood to celebrate getting rid of the one thing in my life that was causing me the most distress. Honestly it has just felt like every other period of my life throughout the past 12 months. 

I mean yes, I’m fucking happy that they are banished from my life, but it has been the hardest pill to swallow. If you are new here (hi) it’s also the marking point where I was last physically well. This point is the pivotal moment when my body gave up on me and I spend a lot of my time going out in an electric chair. I am trying to look at the positives but I can tell you now it doesn’t end up all sunshine and rainbows for me at the end of the tunnel. 

Believe me, I’m fucking happy with my results of surgery and I’m looking forward to my hysto next month but I am just so fucking tired all the time. I at least wanted a couple of good years with my body before it packed up on me. I just wanted to be a real boy ™ for at least a moment before I needed mobility aids. 

I know you were kind of expecting something a little more positive, but I am just so tired of being trans and barely human anymore 

Five Years Of Transition

So this year, at the beginning of August marked 5 years of me officially coming out as trans. 

5 fucking years this has been going on for and whilst I have found this a wonderful journey, it is something that I would not wish upon anyone. Yes I am happy, yes this is what I have always wanted but the confusion, the physical endurance, the surgery panic and a loss of friends has taken it’s toll on me. 

I still have my hysterectomy to be booked and sorted but that’s officially it for me. Having top surgery and a wonderful consultation with the amazing Dr Lorrimer also managed to clear my head in regards to my own gender identity and I came out as Agender earlier in the year. I also came out as gay also, as I realised that me being bisexual just didn’t fit anymore. I’m attracted to masculine folk and I’m masc/andro presenting and masc/andro gender identified so gay is in all honestly how I see myself. 

Hormones have been still the burden of my life, I still do find them a bit of a drain but I’m doing much better than I was. On a scale, I’m about 4/5 of the way through puberty and my skin has cleared up at least, but losing my hair has been quite upsetting. 

Top surgery was this year though, and that was good. I decided not to bother with getting my nipples tattooed in the end, but it means I don’t have to worry so much about getting my chest tattooed. I will be probably having a revision as one side is slightly wonky, but the results past that have been AMAZING. I couldn’t have asked for more to be honest.  

I look forward to the final changes that I do have in myself, and that I hope that one day I can grow a reasonable beard. 

Till then I’ve just got these facepubes to contend with. At least it’s something though. 

As the years progress I hope I finally find peace with my ever changing, constant breaking body, and next year I hope that my medical transition is complete. 

H – Healing

So on Friday it hit 8 weeks of me healing from top surgery and it is still pissing me off. I’m still in a lot of pain, I still can’t fully move everything and I’m still pretty swollen on one side. 

Yes, I am so happy that I had top surgery, but I thought I would be healed already and I could go back to normal, but no. I am still in quite a bit of pain at times.

6 Weeks Later

So I’ve been trying to actually spend the time recovering from top surgery recovering and not doing anything, but sadly that hasn’t actually been the case. I have however not had that much time to actually sit down and type up anything. 

So what’s happened? It’s still fucking sore at times. The scar line looks really good though and it is no way as thick as I thought it was going to end up being. I’m slightly uneven, so I might have to have a revision on my left side. I feel OK with that. 

I have felt mentally really shit though. The combination of physical pain and not being able to do much is still getting to me. It is true that people do get depressed after having  surgery. 

I am actually debating if I actually want to get my nipples tattooed on, or just not bother with it. I still have time to decide on this. 

The next update I will do will he a selection of pictures. Hopefully by then all the surgical glue will have come off. Yes, there are still a couple of spots with it still there. 

I shall see you soon for my next update, and normal blogging will resume soon. 

4 Weeks Later

It has been 4 weeks (tomorrow) since my top surgery, so I thought I would give an update about how it is going.

Physically really well. My scarline is much smaller than anticipated and the swelling is going down now. I’m still covered on residue glue, which is fine. But they look like streaky dirt lines. I still look a bit wonky and bulgy in places, but it’s normal and worst case is that I have a revision before I get my nipples tattooed. 

Pain wise , it’s getting there. It still hurts from time to time, and it’s more of an ache than anything else throughout the day, but it’s livable. 

Emotionally, I’m fucking drained. I want to be better and go back to normal life, what ever the fuck that is. I know I’m about half way through recovery and that sucks so much. 

Apart from that, I’m taking each day as it comes. The title image was done by a wonderful photography student called Anna Lodge who took photos as part of her studies for the university of Sussex, working with specifically under 30s with tattoos. 

Body Shame – Curse Of The Nippleless

Now I know that cishet people probably get a little fucked off by the amount I go on and on about their frustrations. If you are cisgender and heterosexual, relax this gripe isn’t with you for once. You can sit back with a coffee and a snack and read how a trans persons mad at trans people. 

Yes! Shock! Horror! A trans person is actually mad about their own kind. What sweet fuckery is this? Well I will tell you. My nipples, or lack off. That’s what’s wrong. 

You see, there is this bullshit idealistic view that many binary trans men have when it comes to top surgery. Nipples should always be attached, regardless of why you should choose not no have them grafted on to your own body. 

When I got given my top surgery options I flat out said from the start that I was planning not to keep my nipples. This was for several reasons, one was due to my personal view on how the results are and another was that my body is terrible and an aesthetic skin graft would more likely end up with a serious infection and most likely rejection, so I would need to get them tattooed on regardless. My surgeon fully agreed with me on this.

Before I had top surgery I was getting pressured by trans guys to keep my nipples because:

* It would look too weird and gross

* It would ruin my sex life

* I would regret it

*Tattooed nipples don’t look realistic

*  It doesn’t look natural

I was actually quite surprised that trans guys were shaming other trans and non binary people for not wanting or physically being unable to have nipple grafts. Regardless of what people thought though, I binned the nips. 

A couple of weeks have passed and I have already started getting pressure on me getting them tattooed. Can’t my body fucking heal first? I have just been cut open. My lack of nipples have suddenly been brought to light because it’s not the norm. No it’s not. 

What’s not been acceptable is that I have been pressured to get them put back on. That my body should suddenly be dictated and that a tattoo for aesthetic reasons must be done immediately so I don’t make the community look like freaks. They are not an importance to me, but they are to everyone else. I’m sick of people saying that it’s weird, gross and unnatural to not have nipples. I’m more upset that it’s coming from my own goddamn community and this pressure has to stop. 

Top surgery is entirely different for everyone, and the results vary from person to person. Today I got shamed because my scar lines are far too uneven and I must have had some serious complications. Again I must stress that I’m only just two weeks in, and I’m seriously swollen on one side, but that’s normal.

I had to educate trans people that top surgery isn’t always a straight line across, and that the chances are really slim for someone to get the perfect cut across unless they started off as perfectly even chested to begin with. Being able to hide scaring is an actual privilege and a lot of trans guys shouldn’t be shamed because their bodies do not look perfect or fit a certain criteria. 

There is some serious toxic masculinity bullshit going on in binary trans masculine spaces and it does damage young trans people with unrealistic body expectations. I post my pictures unedited in groups because they look like what they are and myself (and other trans people) will get moaned at because it looks painful and sore. Of course its sore. It’s fucking surgery. No one is trying to put people off it, we are just showing you what the reality is, and not filtered edited bullshit stories with unrealistic body types.  

Surgery hurts, treatment hurts. But would I do it all over again and do the same things, fuck yeah! 

Grand Unveiling

Today was the day where all my dressings were to come off, and they did. The things I can tell you are as follows

* Surgical dressings are the worst thing ever. Getting them pulled of my skin was like trapping my pubes in a zipper. On the plus side, my chest got waxed free of charge. 

* OK that wasnt that bad in comparison to surgical gauze being taken off and having bits accidentally glued in. Having them pulled out hurts! So much I couldn’t even swear. 

* You become aware of how gross you are currently when a nurse is right by your arm pit, trying to dig out some gauze. 

*Nothing will prepare you for the weird feeling of a stitch being tugged and you feel it pulling half way across your body. 

* Swelling. I’ve lost G cups and gained a B and an A. On the plus side this is just temporary. 

* Phantom nipples is a thing. I went to go scratch them cause they were itchy and remembered that they no longer exist. 
The bottom line is that everything is going really well at the moment. Not too much swelling, nothing to panic about and the scar line is much thinner than it was expected to be. I’m still on a hell of a lot of pain killers at the moment, but I’m slowly starting to go out a little bit more now. I’m also slowly becoming more happier with my body, which is the main thing. 

Top surgery

So here I am 4 days post op surgery. I finally got the shits removed from my chest. 

The surgery itself was a success. There was no complications going under or even during recovery. So much so, I was able to leave 5 hours after I had been put under. I am honestly so happy about everything. Well kind of… The fucking hospital was fucking disgusting and treated Kai and myself like shit because I’m trans. They also put my notes down as miss, even though they were corrected many MANY times. It was that bad that my surgeon was grossed out by the teams behaviour and a serious complaint will be put in. 

However, my tits are finally gone, the weight has vanished off my chest and I feel so much better already. I can’t wait till I’m fully recovered. My nipple tattoos should be put on in a couple of months which is exciting too. 

Overall I’m just so happy about it all. 

Apologies On My Abcence

I would like to say sorry for not posting on here for a while. I have been quite ill due to my tablets not working and my brain just hasn’t been able to work. 

I have my pre op for top surgery on the 1st and my surgery date is set for Friday 10th Feb. I’m not going to lie, I’m fucking nervous as hell and it’s been another reason why I haven’t wanted to post much recently. 

Hopefully I will get better soon and things will return to normal. 

Thank you

Tyler 

One Thing I Want

Today is about asking me what is the one thing I want in life. This also follows on from my news that I received this morning. 

What I really want, the one thing, is to have my top surgery being done this year. Today I got closer to that as I got sent the provisional date for my surgery. Honestly I’m so fucking hyped for it, and I couldn’t have wanted anything else.