BDSM DOESN’T EQUAL TO ABUSE!
I don’t know if I am going to be having to repeat the same bullshit over and over again, but yet again people are saying that BDSM means you are either abused or abusing your partners. If you however do BDSM and abuse your partners, you can fuck off out of the community, that’s not what we are about.
BDSM is about consenting acts between partners. Spanking, whips and canes might not seem like fun to you personally but to others it’s amazing. I choose to be a sub not because I am being abused, but because it’s my thing. The fact I am able to trust my partners being dominant. I have always consented to role play and scenes.
What however is abuse is physical, mental and financial harm that is not consented to. Its an act your partner does that they have not agreed on. It is not a consenting role play or scene involving toys and chains. It is not agreeing on safewords and aftercare treatment.
The thing is, when you accuse people of abuse, you are going to be affecting their lives. When someone has actually been abusive, you need to stand up and fight against it. When your ideals with sex make you think that a consenting act is abuse, you need to stop and think. How will this false accusation affect their relationship? When you also falsely accuse people of abuse you are potentially affecting the real victims. They are the people we should be looking after. They are the people we should be fighting for. Not some petty bullshit because you don’t like kink.
I have been in abusive relationships. None of which have been with Dom’s. I have been very lucky in that sense. There are some arseholes out there, but real Dom’s are not abusive. I have seen partners be in abusive relationships with non kinky people. It doesn’t mean everyone who’s non kinky is violent or abusive. It means that there is some cunt trying to spoil it for the rest of them.
I’m not telling everyone to get into kink, all I’m saying is that you should do research before you accuse the bdsm community of being abusive to their partners.
Not everyone who’s kinky is abusive and not all abused people are into kink.
CW – Domestic violence , BDSM , Dom/Sub relationships
I didn’t think in this day and age I would have to say this, but regardless of how you as an an individual see some fetishes… Consenting sexual acts between two or more people (of legal age) does not equal to domestic violence and abuse. I have heard it said so many times from people outside of the BDSM scene, that its beyond a joke. If a sex act isn’t your cup of tea, don’t comment. Just walk away or kindly explain as to why you do not like it. NEVER , EVER, throw out the idea that the individuals in question are in an abusive relationship. Now that’s not so say that there isn’t domestic violence in ANY BDSM relationships, that’s not true. I have heard some horror stories and been in an abusive relationship/s, but the Dom/Sub roles had nothing to do with it. The issues I personally faced was that the partner took limits far, and refused to stop when I said no more. This was abuse.
The thing is, honestly I don’t think I could date anyone who is “vanilla”. With someone who’s a fetishist, you know what they want, straight of the bat (or whip or paddle depending on what you like 😉 ). There is a moment of honesty at the beginning of a relationship where you say your likes and dislikes and you know from the start whether you want to be with that person or not. Now my kinks are in some peoples eyes very “extreme”. I enjoy “knife play” , violation fantasies , tattoos, piercings, I would certainly like to be suspended from hooks at some point. Also I have enjoyed beatings far more than just the average whip and paddle. This is the point where the reader and a few friends that are reading this, realises that I’m the sub. Yes, I’m not the Dom in the relationships, whilst I am a “switch” I know my place and know what makes me happy. I also realise that to someone who isn’t in the scene, this is a terrifying notion, to like something so extreme. But do you know that NONE of these acts that happen to me, in MY EYES are abuse. And here is why.
ALL OF IT!!!
If a partner/s ever did it without my consent. Then yes, that would be abuse. I consent to what my partners do to me. In fact I am in control throughout any “scenes” or “scenarios” we decide to act out. We use safe words, and if I am unhappy it is stopped, straight away. Please do not say that because my partners beat me in a consensual its abuse. For starters that’s just wrong and a false assumption, and secondly from someone who has been physically abused in relationships, it some how feels like you are invalidating that experience that I had and covering it up with false accusations. It may not seem harmful to you but it does to me. What had happened with previous partners was horrible, it was systematic abuse that I managed to get out of and resolve in my life. What you are doing by “accusing” innocent people, is making it harder to actually talk about my relationships in public. You are also reminding me of times when I was abused when I am with my current partners. And that’s not what I’m honestly wanting at the moment.
I’m just asking that before people open their mouths, because it can actually hurt.