Sexuality – On reflection

Just after my 30th birthday I made the decision to come out as gay. It had been something that had been waying in on my mind for sometime and eventually I felt it was at that time to do it. 

I suppose looking back on it, it shouldn’t have been as hard as I thought at the time it would be. I had always been attracted to male aligned folks and had always struggled being in relationships with women and woman aligned people. I had battled in my head whether this was just me being misogynistic and that I had a hatred towards femininity, but I realised that no, I just wasn’t physically attracted to women as much as I thought it was. 

I think a huge part of it was that I had some huge internalised bullshit (often brought on by discussions with TERFS) that I was just a self hating lesbian, and that I was forcing myself to be in relationships with men to make myself feel better about it. The truth was, I was forcing myself to identify as bisexual because I thought it might be easier in life and that maybe it might stop the gender feels™.

I spent so long feeling this, that it had become almost a toxic poison consuming my mental health and coming out was in fact a huge fucking relief. 

Then something happened. I started feeling things for one woman in my life. She’s fully aware of this and I have said that I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with her because of how it would make us both feel, how it would fuck me up and how I come with so much bullshit it would not only harm her but also myself to persue something that could go so horribly wrong to a friendship I treasure more than anything. I am a gay agender person and she is not a man or even masculine aligned and has had so much bullshit from the gay community that it would emotionally be awful. 

What the fuck even are feelings and emotions? You get yourself fucking organized in life and then POW something or someone comes along and slaps you right in the goddamn face. If these 30 years have taught me anything it’s that life truly isn’t as predictable as you would hope it would be. I thought I had all this worked out by now, but nahh. 

I suppose the thing is that I do have to give myself a break from time to time and actually focus on what will not only make me happy but other people too that I care about. 

How To Take A Good Dick Pic

Before I start, I’m going to say this. Unsolicited genital pictures are the fucking worst. I don’t care who the fuck you are, if you are sending dick pics to strangers who didn’t want to see them, you are the worst. Nothing is going to make that shit pretty. Just don’t do it.  Also content note – this heavily discusses genitals. If you are uncomfortable with this, please do not read on. 

Now we got that part settled, I’m going to tell you how to take a good dick pic.

Firstly. IT IS NEVER ABOUT THE SIZE. Honestly most of us do not even care about how big your dick is. It’s about how it looks. Do not start panicking if you have a micro penis or Dumbo’s trunk in your pants. It’s all about how you present it. Also do not ever feel pressured to even send a naked picture of yourself. You shouldn’t ever feel forced to do something you do not want to do. Only ever send something if you are 100% OK with it. 

You want to first clear the area around you. Nothing is off putting more than seeing a dirty floor with laundry everywhere. Seriously. It’s distracting. Clear the area. This includes bed sheets and sofas. No one wants to guess the bizarre stain that’s next to your penis. 

Secondly, angles are key. You want it so it’s about a 45° angle with you’d phone tilted to the tip. I’m actually joking. Seriously though, every dick is different, so take many photos from different angles and see what looks interesting and original. 

Thirdly. Put a soft filter on it. EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT WITH A SOFT FILTER. Honestly you could post a turd up and make it loom attractive with the right light and filters. Which reminds me.. Do not use harsh strip lights and bright artificial lights. You don’t want it lit up like a meaty Christmas tree. 

Forthly. Get fucking creative. Do poses that others wouldn’t. Some interesting backgrounds, hell even dye your pubes. You want it to stand out like no other dick pic has. Bonus points if you get a friend to take a dick pic for you. There is no shame in asking for assistance for a great picture. 

Finally, just have fun. There is a huge pressure for us to be perfect all the time and in all honestly what you really need to do is just be yourself and not be a complete douche to the person you are sending them too. Just relax and it will come naturally. 

Is Sex Such A Dirty Word?

Oh god what’s happened this time. I hear everyone huff at me as I put my 5ft 3 small ass on my soap box. 

“Why is sex such a taboo subject around the trans community unless we are seen as a fetish?” 

I have seen my patience become increasingly thinner over the past few months when it comes to sexual health, safer sex and consent. I don’t know about you but I have become quite frustrated about how there is a huge culture around cis people being able to freely discuss sexual liberation, and that trans people are not allowed to get in on that. 

When a trans person starts openly discussing sexuality the room hushes, it becomes a taboo. It’s almost as if we cannot physically have sex unless there is a camera and it’s used solely as the wank material for cis guys. This should not be the case. 

When we close dialog up on safe sex practice on trans people, we are suddenly making their lives in danger. We should be open to talk about what sort of sex we want and how we can protect ourselves with things such as condoms and access to rapid testing of HIV. 

When we give misinformation on places such as saunas, what we are really doing is taking away safe meet up spaces that are monitored and watched so trans people are not attacked, raped and murdered for wanting consensual sex. 

When we refuse to discuss trans sex workers, we are not addressing the issues on how to protect and serve our own community. Sex for pay is still going to happen. It’s a legal professional job for some people, and we should be providing them care and not stigmatizing them. 

Because we don’t talk about safer sex, people do not know where to go for birth control. Yes, trans people can get pregnant to. Unwanted pregnancy can and does happen and there is no way to support people if we are forced to close dialog on sex and abortion. 

STIs are always increasing. Sythilis is on the increase and it’s dangerous. But without us being able to discuss places for testing, more and more people are getting infected. 

I will continue to be angry about this situation because when safer sex discussions get shut down IT PUTS TRANS LIVES IN DANGER. I will continue to try and give as much information as I humanly can because I don’t want people to die because of lack of knowledge or safe spaces. Also trans people who are asexual/aromantic should have the freedom to talk about why they do not want sex/relationships and not get shut down or mocked. It’s about open communication for all. 

Further more trans people who choose to be sexually free shouldn’t be told by other trans people that it shames the community and that cis people will not take us seriously. You should never shame anyone fie their consenting and legal sex. There is no one right way to be trans and there will always be reasons as why some people will not accept us. 

The Lesser Known Sexualities

By now most people know what “Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual” means in this day and age, but as language and sexuality has evolved, more and more terms are coming out and some people can feel a little confused. So I decided that today I would write about some of the other terms you might not have heard of. 

1) Pansexual – This term is quite old now and people have been using it more and more, yet some are unaware of what this means as a term. No it doesnt mean  that you are attracted to kitchen applicances, it means that you have an attraction to someone regardless of gender. 

2) Polysexual – this term is pretty similar to bisexual. Its where people find that they are attracted to some genders but not all of them. 

3) Asexual – another one that’s quite well known, but it means very little to no sexual attraction. 

4) Androsexual – For people who are primarily attracted to masculinity, so that would be anyone who’s gender presentation was masculine, not specifically just to men. 

5) Demisexual – someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction unless they develop a connection with a person. 

6) Gynesexual – someone who’s primarily attracted to feminity. Just like with androsexual, this doesn’t exclusively mean one gender, but instead attraction to feminine presenting people. 

7) Skoliosexual – Being primarily attracted to queer, trans, non binary or gender non conforming people

This is certainly not a finished list. If people would like more to be added, please write them in the description. I hope that this list has helped some people out there. 

Working Class, Queer Blogger

I was suggested to write about being working class and queer and honestly I froze the moment that I saw it. Not because I was worried about the whole queer thing, fuck that. It was the fact that I was mentioning about me being working class. 

Why the fuck does it even terrify mentioning both in the same sentence? I suppose when you are writing you can hide away and attempt to blend in with everyone else here. Let’s face facts most of the bloggers out there are 35 year old mums doing this in their spare time as they down a bottle of reasonably priced white wine, in a pretty suburban town house, where very little crime goes on.

I know that is a slight exaggeration but I’m stating a fact when I say this one point: The FTM tag is now taken over by First Time Mums. 

I know this sounds like a stupid tangent to start this off, but I’ve learned after a year who the users are online, and they are the same middle class people who see being queer as a novelty, something strange and unusual. The moment I throw into the mix that I’m working class, I get the whole “oh it must have been such a struggle” bullshit, from the same people over and over again. 

I don’t hide where I come from or my struggles, far from it. If you have been here long enough, you know that. But often people have used it as an excuse to pick me up or put me down. I also don’t hide the fact that I’m dyslexic but there are still one or two cunts out there who use that as a way to attack me. When you see it happen with one thing, you assume its going to happen with everything. I’m aware that I’m looked down on constantly because I’m queer and working class.

 Kai and I went to an event in August and one of the guests throughout the afternoon constantly told me that “I scrub up well considering”. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Because I’m queer? Because I’m not middle class? Because punks can actually look good in a suit? This considering comes out more often then you think. Unsurprisingly this was said also to one of the other attendees too, in fact they were the ONLY person of colour there by the same people. At this same event I was also referred to as “Kai’s friend” and not partner or boyfriend or better yet, fiancé. This happened throughout the whole day.Up until we decided to hide outside for the rest of the time. 

I would like to say that this is the only negative bullshit I have received for being both working class and queer, but no, it’s a daily struggle sometimes. It is the reason why I don’t like talking to people at times.

In LGBT spaces it is often like being in school. You have to look, act, dress and talk in the same way as everyone else or you are suddenly an outsider. The moment you start talking about working class issues, places to hang out or living in an area that isn’t the main gay strip and suddenly everyone acts like you have murdered their first born. There is a huge class divide in the queer community and the middle and higher classed queers will always get the best jobs, the people to listen to them and more likely to be respected, whilst someone who is lower class, has to work 5 times as hard to fit it, and still will be shown the door, and often refused position because they “don’t fit the criteria” or are “too political”. Yes, working class people are political but that’s because politics affects us harder. We are using and working the volunteer and public sector. We are the ones worried about rent and tax increase not matching pay rises. The pool of shit is thickest at the bottom. 

In working class spaces it is a double edge sword saying or being visibly queer. Whilst if you find others in the same boat, you will probably find great friends that you won’t want to leave. Finding people is however a complete nightmare though. It’s quite a homophobic and transphobic in some places However not as much as you would think. The media would have you believe that we are government spongers who drink cheep beer, have 8 kids, go on Jeremy Kyle, all are white and all chain smoke all the time. Basically just like an episode of shameless. We are not all like that. Not in the slightest. We are the most diverse class out there. Straight/gay/queer/trans, anyone from any gender or sexuality can be working class. We are all out there. 

We are treated as if we should be pitied or worse that we are uncontrollable and need the middle class to come save us from ourselves. For starters no, we do not need your pity, we want your respect. Secondly, I nearly screamed at a middle class person once because they were trying to act posh in (insert terrible pizza chain) and they wouldn’t keep their damn mouth shut when they ate, and their elbows were on the dinner table. I ain’t gonna take any orders from someone who doesn’t have any good table manners. Also whilst I’m here, what we don’t want also is all the obvious statements or assuming our lives are hard because we are queer and/or working class. Actually what makes it hard is people just doing bullshit to us when we just want to get along with our lives. 

It’s been quite therapeutic actually getting all of that out. Things shouldn’t be pent up inside and left to fester. Just remember kids that it’s OK to be working class and queer and it’s certainly OK to write about it. 

Don’t Take Our Porn Away

Last year I wrote a blog post (More porn please, we’re British) about how the porn laws would be coming into place. The laws were at the time about films made in the UK and Europien/Worldwide films wouldn’t be affected by the chance. 
WRONG!!!

Our wonderful WONDERFUL government is now finalising the bill to ban certain porn that is filmed between CONSENTING ADULTS. 

The porn bans include 

Fisting – A 4 finger rule will be in place. More than 4 in one hole and its banned.

Face sitting , specifically riding someone’s face – Apparently its because you are endangering the lives of someone by getting eaten out. 

Female empowerment – most fem dom porn is to be banned as it poses a risk to children by showing them dangerous sex. WHY ARE YOU EVEN LETTING CHILDREN WATCH PORN IN THE FIRST PLACE?! 

Squirting – You know what, most porn that involves vagina owners getting pleased is dangerous, so this needs to go to

Sex whilst on a period or involving ANY BODY FLUID- because it is a danger to the person having sex 

BASICALLY BY THE NEW YEAR, YOU WILL ONLY BE ABLE TO WARCH HETRO MISSIONARY SEX AND THATS IT. 

Whilst this is going on. The Snoopers charter is being signed. This gives government the right to check every site you are looking at, at all times. They will also be blocking sites that have sex or discussions of sex which they deem as “dangerous” even though its all consenting adults.

BDSM videos are also planned to be pulled from sex shops too… Even though they are videos done by consenting adults and none of the acts shown are illegal.

Turns out being kinky is being banned in the UK, I don’t know what sort of world we live in right now, but its really shitty to be in this situation. Let’s prey all of this gets dropped and we can go back to normality. 

Bisexuality – Why Not Both (Or All In My Case)

“So are you gay or straight?” Words uttered to me on what would seem like a daily basis to me. “Do you prefer men or women?” Like there is no other choice in this world (and erasing non binary identities at the same time) “No one really is bi, they just haven’t decided yet?!” Because I’m forced to decide where I need to be on the great sexuality spectrum. 

Christopher Biggins has finally pointed out the great elephant in the room. Gay men can be just as biphobic and queerphobic as straight people can be. For years we have been saying that most of our abuse  actually stems from the lesbian and gay community and no one believed us till the summer of 2016 when Biggins walked into the big brother house and was vile against the bi community. For everyone who thought he was kicked out because of these comments, he wasn’t. He was kicked out for being antisemitic. Whilst I’m glad he was kicked out for it, he should have been removed days previously.

Now this isn’t just about him. The world is filled with people claiming that bisexuality isn’t real. That you can’t just love who you want to, regardless of gender presentation or connection. We are only “legitimate” in prides and parades if we have someone that “appears” to be the same sex (shudders) as us. We are told that if we have a partner of a different gender that we are not part of the LGBT community.

 Guess what? What do you think the B actually stands for? Bigoted? Bullshit? No its fucking bisexual! You are still bisexual regardless of what gender your partner/s is at the time. You don’t suddenly turn straight or gay because yout partner is a different gender from the one before. I once got told to leave an LGBT service in Brighton for under 26s because I was getting married to someone of a different gender then me, and that stopped me from being bisexual. This was coming from staff and a well known gay person in Brighton who has been on TV and ironicly tried to also go on Big Brother. This is also the same man who believes pride is only for gay people. 

People wonder why Bicon exists every year. Its simple, if you get abuse from all directions, you want to have your own safe space forged out for you. Prides do nothing to help bi people, straight people think bisexuals are slutty and were stuck in the middle wanting to just have fun and party with the rest of the queer people. Accessibility to queer events is shit at the best of times, but if you are treated like shit because of your sexuality, of course no one wants to attend. Here’s a tip, if bi people keep asking you to have meetings to talk about how accessible they can be, actually fucking listen. 

For once people need to stop thinking that LGBT is for monosexuality and money. Queer people are broke, mental health problems are common in the bisexual community and access to services are piss poor because of either assumption on sexual activity or people are refused because they are not straight/gay. 

Basically everyone needs to stop being a dick and remember that the B is in LGBT for a reason. 

S – Sex

The comment on this is “Awkward sex stories are the best”, so I assume that’s what the person who chose this wants to hear. Ok, let’s mention a couple of stories and points that have made sex uncomfortable or awkward.
1. I once did it in a club on stage with my partner at the time, there was a good couple of hundred people there. It wasn’t a sex club and it was pretty obvious we were fucking. We got kicked out of the club not because we fucked on stage but we tried to have round two in the toilets.
2. I’ve seen an ex partners parents collection of home photos they have taken of themselves whilst they were doing it. That made dinners with them very awkward.
3. I’ve had to go to hospital for a couple of sexual injuries. The worst being that the batteries from my vibrator exploded and leaked, and I got battery acid burns where you shouldn’t EVER get battery acid.
4. Got caught by a priest fucking in a church. I’m sorry. I’m very very sorry.
5. I suffer from sexomnia which means I tend to do sexual stuff in my sleep. This may sound funny, but I cannot share a bed with anyone unless they are fully aware that this happens and is beyond my control. It has ruined a good few friendships sadly

Tomorrow is T – Terror

Queer Dating – Part Eight – Bottom, Middle, Top

Sex.
Now I have your attention you dirty bastards (yes I know what you really came here for, thank you Google for misinterpreting my blog for a porn blog) let’s actually talk about fucking.
We have covered the basics before with our online etiquette, our language and general “not being a cunt” attitude. We have gone through many online matches on Okcupid, wittled through the trash and dick pics on Grindr and battled the bizarre of Fetlife. But finally we have someone we are willing to share our bed with.
Now, what the fuck do you do?

For starters, do not rush yourself into sex. Do it when you feel ready to do so. There is no time frame you need to set yourself to and no is always an option. Never feel forced to have sex. If you are with someone who is pushing you to have sex against your will, that is rape. That’s not sex or even consent.
Secondly, and this is going to sound boring to some people, but its super important. SEX SAFETY.
I can already hear the bored moan as you are thinking “urgh they are discussing condoms!” YES WE ARE GOING TO BRING UP CONDOMS PEOPLE. You might think that those little latex things do not need a mention, but without them you are risking your health and your partners. There are many types, shapes, colours and sizes.
And for those who say that they can’t wear them because they are allergic to latex, there is latex free types.
Also, there are super thin ones for all you out there that have a problem when it comes to feeling.
As well as condoms, there are many other forms of birth control you can use, to stop unwanted pregnancy. Also I’m throwing this out there, to the trans and non binary people  who are having vaginal intercourse. Being on Testosterone is not a guarantee to stop you from getting pregnant. You can get birth control that isn’t hormone based such as the coil. If you do not want to get pregnant, please make sure you look after yourselves.
Sex safety is not also about just STIs and unwanted pregnancy. Its about feelings and physical safety as well. Things you may want to consider before getting intimate with someone.
*Safety words or actions – if you have a gag in your mouth, how do you communicate that you want to stop?
*Language. Some trans and non binary people struggle with wording when it comes to body parts. Ask your lover/s what they would like their body parts to be called and please try and respect their wishes.
*Supplies. Baby wipes, lubrication, antiseptic wipes, plasters, heat packs, lotion. Some of these may sound like bizarre things to use but if you are into heavy BDSM these are things to consider.

So, what else should I consider when it comes to sex?
Firstly if you are getting your moves from the entire works of “50 shades” I would seriously reconsider your sex life. You can find enough reading material out there that points out how problematic it is, out there. No one wants to base their sex life on a tale of abuse, dressed up as a romance novel.
Secondly, do not ever assume your sex is going to be like what you see in porn. Its edited, it takes hours to shoot, and you are given lighting and direction by a man in the corner watching your evert move. Its not going to be perfect. Its going to be messy, and I can tell you from experience, if you attempt to give someone a “facial” you WILL get cum in their eye. IT HURTS. ALOT.
Do not expect the first time you sleep with someone to be perfect. It probably will be a lot of fumbling and questions. AND THAT’S OK. Part of experiencing sex is that it’s a learning curve. Each person you will go with is going to like different things, and those things can change. Take time to learn what both you and your partner/s like, its a marathon not a sprint.

So how do you even have sex?
That’s entirely up to you. Toys, tongue, fingers, genitals, the world is your fucking oyster. I could give you tips on how to fuck, but its all about how each person sees sex. All i can give you is the advice i hand to everyone. USE LUBE IF YOU ARE HAVING ANAL. Nothing is a passion killer quite like a torn arsehole.
Rushed sex also can lead to tearing and painful rubbing also, so foreplay is a great thing to start with.
And finally, if its your first time with toys, work your way up to the 12inch monster dildo. Start small.
And you can always stop if you don’t like it.
Do it, don’t do it. Just do what makes you and/or your partner/s are happy to do, and never force yourself to do what you are unhappy to do.

Queer Dating – Part Seven – Love Yourself, If You Can

We are told from childhood to growing up,  that part of succeeding in life is to commit to one partner, bash out a few kids and eventually loose your mind before you die. What happens if you don’t want that? What is so wrong about staying single, that so many people are scared of dying alone? What if you are happy just being you?

We are told often by peers, by society, by the world that loving ourselves is fucking selfish. That it makes you vain and undesirable. Do you know what I say to that? FUCK OFF. We are allowed to love ourselves.
We often put our own feelings behind others and whilst it can make us feel better, we need to take time to look after ourselves. I know for some people that they are unable to love themselves, or that they choose to put others before there own needs AND THAT IS ALSO OK!!! As long as you are doing what makes you happy, you do it. I’m here spouting on about how you should love yourself and that relationships are not the be all and end all. I don’t even follow my own advice at times. Hell most of the time I hate myself, hate my body and would rather attempt suicide again then talk about self care. Do you know what a huge part of self care is? Knowing your own limitations, and if you cannot love yourself, a partner or even family, IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU A FAILURE. It makes you human, and you are allowed to feel however you want to feel without people judging you.

Whilst I am dating two beautiful people, I am fully aware that I also need to spend time with myself. A plus side of me being an insomniac is that I have night times to myself. I am able to blog (its 3:39am right now and I’m here) and I’m able to process feelings without complications or having to communicate with others.
It has taken a very long time for me to get it into my head that I am entitled to have time to myself. I felt originally that I wasn’t allowed to enjoy my own company and that it was wrong. Its amazing how things like that get engrained into your brain so easily. It also takes a very long time to drop the guilt in your head when you realise you NEED time to yourself.
So why is this in the “Queer Dating” segment I hear you ask? If you think I’m filling up gaps and running out of ideas you would be wrong. Sometimes dating isn’t about the other partners, the build up, the sex. Sometimes its about YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT. Its about dating yourself at times. And its something we all do not do enough!

So how do you date yourself? Well the simple answer is what do you like doing? Personally for me, nothing says romantic night for one quite like a curry for two (of which I will eat all of it) a good movie, a bubble bath or lush bomb bath and possibly find some good porn and explore myself.
*** MOTHER IF YOU ARE READING THIS I AM SORRY ***
There is still shame in society (especially with women and trans people) that masterbation is a sinful act and its gross. It is not (unless of course you don’t actually like it). Wanking is stress relieving, achieving orgasm can relax you, send you to sleep, cheer you up and it feels fucking good.
Honestly if you can, give yourself one evening/afternoon/morning a week where you can spend time with yourself and be intimate. If you are uncomfortable about using your hands (or physically unable to) there are wonderful toys out there. From bullets, to pocket pussies, to rampant rabbits. There is 1000s of different toys out there designed to aid in self love.
Masterbation also helps you find what you also like and don’t like when it comes to your body, and helps you explore your own sexuality without judgement or explanation. Personally I prefer it to anonymous hook ups purely because I don’t have to explain to someone what I do and don’t like. I also enjoy using toys often and have quite a collection depending on my mood. I enjoy butt stuff and I also enjoy vaginal, and when I’m with lovers (who are not trans aware) I am suddenly demasculinized because of that. I’ve always said that my genitals have never been an issue to me, because I always see my cunt as a “mans cunt” but with lovers, as opposed to myself, my sexuality and gender have been challenged in ways I do not like.

Dating yourself can be tough. You may feel like you do not deserve it. You may feel like its a stupid thing to do, and that it wouldn’t help you in the slightest. It might not, I do not know you or your life. I would like it though that everyone out there could take some time, (be it 5 minutes or several weeks) to think about what makes you as an individual happy. Build yourself up, start doing small things like buying that coffee cake you really fancy, and work your way up to having a weekend to yourself, stuck in your lounge pants watching terrible movies.
I’m not saying its easy, but sometimes you just need to love yourself before you can let anyone else in, and everyone deserves love, even if its just from yourself.