So that’s it. We have been on this ride for nearly 4 months and ten posts have come from it. Content note. Some swears and some offensive language some people might be offended with
queer dating
All posts tagged queer dating
Over the past few months we have covered the basics of being in a relationship. But what happens when its all over? What happens then?
Sometimes things don’t work out with someone and that’s perfectly fine. You could have been with them for days, weeks or even years and the spark may not be there or things have fucked up for a reason. What you do is entirely up to you, and everyone takes a relationship break up differently. Its a learning curve.
Firstly, just because this relationship ended, doesn’t mean you are unlovable. Sometimes you might sink into depression and yes it is OK to feel shit about a break up. In the past 4 years I’ve had two break ups. The first being with someone I was with since I was 17, the second was with someone I was with for a few months. I felt shit with both of them, I can be totally honest about that. The difference (excluding the gender of both of them) was how they ended.
With the person who I was with for 6 months it was totally out of the blue after she hadn’t messaged me for a couple of weeks (I was letting her settle into uni, and letting her get into a routine). It was via text message whilst I was on my way to visit my family. Honestly it punched me in the fucking throat and it took a long time (surprisingly) to grieve over the relationship. I stupidly even attempted to jump off a bridge at this point of my life, so it wasn’t helping my mental health. I can see why she did it, to her studying and uni WAS the most important thing, and I have total respect for her for that. Other stuff after the break up happened, and because I’m not going to use this to spout negative bullshit about her, let’s just say we are no longer friends. Which in a good way actually helped finally get over her.
Top, with My ex, at 17/18 , Bottom, with Kai a few months ago
The other relationship was totally different. I was with him for years. YEARS!!! We finally ended it in 2012 when I came out as trans, and whilst he is bisexual (very selectively though, he has a lot of mistrust issues towards men) it wouldn’t have worked because of issues he still would have to face with family. He was my husband and best friend and it was fucking sad. When we broke up we both realised that we were actually better as best friends, and we both moved on, as you know. If it wasn’t for that chapter closing, I would never have met Kai or Steph, I wouldn’t have met all my friends that I have and I certainly wouldn’t have done this blog. We are still close friends (though Mr Newbury you should fucking message more often) and I’m happy that he’s also found love (though I did fix him up with his partner).
Sometimes break ups are the best things. Sometimes you need to move on or get out of the relationship and that’s OK. Nothing is ever permanent, and its OK to feel differently.
Sometimes you NEED to break up because of abuse/violence/rape and you are entitled to feel shit about it. It is never a good thing. Sometimes people can carry the mental scars of abuse for a lifetime. This doesn’t make you week or worthless. It makes you strong because you are still alive, your heart is still beating and you are living. You may feel like you might want to not date for a very long time and that is also perfectly fine. If you were the partner that was abusive. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. You should not hurt people you love. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and I carry the scars. Its hell.
Every break up, just like every relationship, is different. There is never an actual set answer to deal with it. The only tip I can give you is this.
Look after yourself, try and remember all the great qualities you have as a person and try not to get swamped in the negative stuff.
Keep your chin up, things will get better.
Sex.
Now I have your attention you dirty bastards (yes I know what you really came here for, thank you Google for misinterpreting my blog for a porn blog) let’s actually talk about fucking.
We have covered the basics before with our online etiquette, our language and general “not being a cunt” attitude. We have gone through many online matches on Okcupid, wittled through the trash and dick pics on Grindr and battled the bizarre of Fetlife. But finally we have someone we are willing to share our bed with.
Now, what the fuck do you do?
For starters, do not rush yourself into sex. Do it when you feel ready to do so. There is no time frame you need to set yourself to and no is always an option. Never feel forced to have sex. If you are with someone who is pushing you to have sex against your will, that is rape. That’s not sex or even consent.
Secondly, and this is going to sound boring to some people, but its super important. SEX SAFETY.
I can already hear the bored moan as you are thinking “urgh they are discussing condoms!” YES WE ARE GOING TO BRING UP CONDOMS PEOPLE. You might think that those little latex things do not need a mention, but without them you are risking your health and your partners. There are many types, shapes, colours and sizes.
And for those who say that they can’t wear them because they are allergic to latex, there is latex free types.
Also, there are super thin ones for all you out there that have a problem when it comes to feeling.
As well as condoms, there are many other forms of birth control you can use, to stop unwanted pregnancy. Also I’m throwing this out there, to the trans and non binary people who are having vaginal intercourse. Being on Testosterone is not a guarantee to stop you from getting pregnant. You can get birth control that isn’t hormone based such as the coil. If you do not want to get pregnant, please make sure you look after yourselves.
Sex safety is not also about just STIs and unwanted pregnancy. Its about feelings and physical safety as well. Things you may want to consider before getting intimate with someone.
*Safety words or actions – if you have a gag in your mouth, how do you communicate that you want to stop?
*Language. Some trans and non binary people struggle with wording when it comes to body parts. Ask your lover/s what they would like their body parts to be called and please try and respect their wishes.
*Supplies. Baby wipes, lubrication, antiseptic wipes, plasters, heat packs, lotion. Some of these may sound like bizarre things to use but if you are into heavy BDSM these are things to consider.
So, what else should I consider when it comes to sex?
Firstly if you are getting your moves from the entire works of “50 shades” I would seriously reconsider your sex life. You can find enough reading material out there that points out how problematic it is, out there. No one wants to base their sex life on a tale of abuse, dressed up as a romance novel.
Secondly, do not ever assume your sex is going to be like what you see in porn. Its edited, it takes hours to shoot, and you are given lighting and direction by a man in the corner watching your evert move. Its not going to be perfect. Its going to be messy, and I can tell you from experience, if you attempt to give someone a “facial” you WILL get cum in their eye. IT HURTS. ALOT.
Do not expect the first time you sleep with someone to be perfect. It probably will be a lot of fumbling and questions. AND THAT’S OK. Part of experiencing sex is that it’s a learning curve. Each person you will go with is going to like different things, and those things can change. Take time to learn what both you and your partner/s like, its a marathon not a sprint.
So how do you even have sex?
That’s entirely up to you. Toys, tongue, fingers, genitals, the world is your fucking oyster. I could give you tips on how to fuck, but its all about how each person sees sex. All i can give you is the advice i hand to everyone. USE LUBE IF YOU ARE HAVING ANAL. Nothing is a passion killer quite like a torn arsehole.
Rushed sex also can lead to tearing and painful rubbing also, so foreplay is a great thing to start with.
And finally, if its your first time with toys, work your way up to the 12inch monster dildo. Start small.
And you can always stop if you don’t like it.
Do it, don’t do it. Just do what makes you and/or your partner/s are happy to do, and never force yourself to do what you are unhappy to do.
We are told from childhood to growing up, that part of succeeding in life is to commit to one partner, bash out a few kids and eventually loose your mind before you die. What happens if you don’t want that? What is so wrong about staying single, that so many people are scared of dying alone? What if you are happy just being you?
We are told often by peers, by society, by the world that loving ourselves is fucking selfish. That it makes you vain and undesirable. Do you know what I say to that? FUCK OFF. We are allowed to love ourselves.
We often put our own feelings behind others and whilst it can make us feel better, we need to take time to look after ourselves. I know for some people that they are unable to love themselves, or that they choose to put others before there own needs AND THAT IS ALSO OK!!! As long as you are doing what makes you happy, you do it. I’m here spouting on about how you should love yourself and that relationships are not the be all and end all. I don’t even follow my own advice at times. Hell most of the time I hate myself, hate my body and would rather attempt suicide again then talk about self care. Do you know what a huge part of self care is? Knowing your own limitations, and if you cannot love yourself, a partner or even family, IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU A FAILURE. It makes you human, and you are allowed to feel however you want to feel without people judging you.
Whilst I am dating two beautiful people, I am fully aware that I also need to spend time with myself. A plus side of me being an insomniac is that I have night times to myself. I am able to blog (its 3:39am right now and I’m here) and I’m able to process feelings without complications or having to communicate with others.
It has taken a very long time for me to get it into my head that I am entitled to have time to myself. I felt originally that I wasn’t allowed to enjoy my own company and that it was wrong. Its amazing how things like that get engrained into your brain so easily. It also takes a very long time to drop the guilt in your head when you realise you NEED time to yourself.
So why is this in the “Queer Dating” segment I hear you ask? If you think I’m filling up gaps and running out of ideas you would be wrong. Sometimes dating isn’t about the other partners, the build up, the sex. Sometimes its about YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT. Its about dating yourself at times. And its something we all do not do enough!
So how do you date yourself? Well the simple answer is what do you like doing? Personally for me, nothing says romantic night for one quite like a curry for two (of which I will eat all of it) a good movie, a bubble bath or lush bomb bath and possibly find some good porn and explore myself.
*** MOTHER IF YOU ARE READING THIS I AM SORRY ***
There is still shame in society (especially with women and trans people) that masterbation is a sinful act and its gross. It is not (unless of course you don’t actually like it). Wanking is stress relieving, achieving orgasm can relax you, send you to sleep, cheer you up and it feels fucking good.
Honestly if you can, give yourself one evening/afternoon/morning a week where you can spend time with yourself and be intimate. If you are uncomfortable about using your hands (or physically unable to) there are wonderful toys out there. From bullets, to pocket pussies, to rampant rabbits. There is 1000s of different toys out there designed to aid in self love.
Masterbation also helps you find what you also like and don’t like when it comes to your body, and helps you explore your own sexuality without judgement or explanation. Personally I prefer it to anonymous hook ups purely because I don’t have to explain to someone what I do and don’t like. I also enjoy using toys often and have quite a collection depending on my mood. I enjoy butt stuff and I also enjoy vaginal, and when I’m with lovers (who are not trans aware) I am suddenly demasculinized because of that. I’ve always said that my genitals have never been an issue to me, because I always see my cunt as a “mans cunt” but with lovers, as opposed to myself, my sexuality and gender have been challenged in ways I do not like.
Dating yourself can be tough. You may feel like you do not deserve it. You may feel like its a stupid thing to do, and that it wouldn’t help you in the slightest. It might not, I do not know you or your life. I would like it though that everyone out there could take some time, (be it 5 minutes or several weeks) to think about what makes you as an individual happy. Build yourself up, start doing small things like buying that coffee cake you really fancy, and work your way up to having a weekend to yourself, stuck in your lounge pants watching terrible movies.
I’m not saying its easy, but sometimes you just need to love yourself before you can let anyone else in, and everyone deserves love, even if its just from yourself.
Originally this segment was going to be based on answering as many questions as possible, but life took an unusual direction and we are going to do this post instead.
Occasionally I get messaged from men asking for dating advice and how to talk to a partner/s about what they want sexually. Firstly I would like to thank everyone who actually comes up to ask me. I know as a man (well close to a man anyway in my non binary identity) it feels embarrassing to ask for advice and I’m glad you come and talk to me. There is always a social stigma to asking for advice, and we are taught that its not manly to ask for help.
This post however was brought on by some problematic wording sent to me. An individual was highly distressed and was talking about trying to date someone but had said that “bisexual women are whores”. Now what had actually been said had been brought on by a mans personal experience where they had felt abused, but the words had been stuck in my head that even to this day there is an stereotype that bisexual women are slutty and are whores.
Now I’m going to say this now, if you treat women like they are whores (unless its consenting of course) then you deserve everything you fucking get. I’m also going to say this. Using slurs because a woman is in charge of her sexuality is a fucking dick move. And also even if she was a sex worker, what difference does it make to you if you are not dating her.
Slurs are often thrown round with men when they don’t get what they want. Don’t say we don’t do this. We have ALL been guilty of using slurs against people at one time or another because as men we struggle to project our feelings sensibly often hurting people in the process. Our egos are that fragile at times, that we do say stupid shit. We need to as men look at what the fuck we are doing, and stop problematic behaviour.
As well as our wording towards people we consider ourselves to be attracted to, we must always challenge our own behaviour online. The screen caption above is something that got posted to me on Twitter. This was not a private message, it was public.
I’ve posted several screen caps that I have received in the previous months, but this was actually the most concerning. You see my Twitter is public. I am open that I’m a trans activist and I post a lot of my instagram photos on there as well as my blog posts. Never have I offered my services on Twitter nor have I mentioned that I would be open to such thing. For starters my mother is on twitter and if I want to fuck someone there is always fetlife for that.
The person who messaged me (twice in fact) had gone through the transgender hashtag and assumed that I would be a sex worker BECAUSE I’M TRANS.
I am not a sex worker nor have I advertised friends and partners who are on my twitter. I choose not to be a sex worker because I do not have the physical capabilities on myself to do it. It was assumed that I must be because I am transitioning.
Guys, please PLEASE, do not assume that everyone who is trans is in fact a sex worker. Its fucking embarrassing to everyone.
We often struggle with our own sexuality as men and to show anything other than “alpha male butch macho” automatically makes us gay in societies eyes as well as our own peers. We are taught that feelings, emotions, and anything like that is “feminine” and that’s a trait that we cannot show.
I’m aiming this at the binary trans men. Do you know how bullshit it is? To see a lot of you guys act super macho and rip into feminine trans guys. Fucking stop it. We are taught in society that men cannot do certain things, and to behave in certain ways. We get treated as “butch lesbians” or “ugly women” often in the cis society, we don’t need any of that bullshit in our own fucking community. Being a man means being a man. Who gives a shit of they are camp as Christmas and take 8 dicks up their ass at the same time.
I’m not saying to stop acting super masculine and stop going to the gym 4 times a week. I’m asking to stop disrespecting other men based on your own ideals of masculinity.
So why is it that this is in the dating section. Well because these sorts of behaviours affect the people you care about. Women don’t want to be treated like they are shit because they rejected you, men don’t want to be belittled because they are camp, and non binary people just want some fucking respect.
I was chatting to a guy earlier and I had to block them, and it normally takes a lot for me to block someone.
He asked me how big was the largest cock I had, and I was honest. I’ve had a guy that’s 10 inch’s before. It was hot, but painful and it all couldn’t get in me without excruciating pain. I’ve also had a guy who was so big they couldn’t keep it up for Long periods of time because, well there is only so much blood in the body.
The guy said I was bullshitting, that big cocks didn’t exist and that I was just making it up. I explained that there are men with huge cocks and that I was sorry that he had never experienced the joys of a larger man. He then decided to call me a pathetic little child, who only sees dick in porn and that any dick would be big, because I was a big girl and I was just tight from not being used.
This is toxic masculinity. A point was proved and rather than sensibly talking about it, he decided to call me a woman, even though he knew I was a trans man, and hadn’t done this before. It was only when his masculine identity was “at threat” did he treat me like shit. I gave him a chance to apologise and he didn’t, instead he decided to say how he was in the right because I don’t have a cock.
We should be teaching ourselves that this sort of behavior is both not needed and is pretty threatening. We need to be teach on ourselves that one persons sexual abilities and conquests are not something to be mocked or abused with slurs. We need to train ourselves as men that feminine men should not be treated any differently then masculine men, and finally we need to remember that our actions affect people.
I would like to say sorry that this is the longest segment of “queer dating” I have done. This post also has not been aimed at anyone to hurt them or to call them out. I am just trying to explain that we need to as men start looking at ourselves and behaviours and see how we can improve in ourselves.
Thank you for reading.
I have to make an apology to my readers.
In my previous post I mentioned the differences between poly and being Mormon. I realised after I posted it that I could have educated myself on Mormons rather than taking from advice on a few people.
I have since been told that only a few sections of the Mormon faith do not approve of birth control. I would like to apologise for the misinformation.
Secondly I have been told that all genders are treated equally in the original teachings, however it is based on patriarchal systems and women are mainly expected to keep out of “men’s business”
Whilst I personally find a lot of “organised religion” to be problematic, I should have researched it better and spoke to a lot more people before speaking about something I have very little knowledge about. I am very sorry about this and I will certainly aim to research better about subjects I know little about.
I am not going to promise not to fuck up again. I am human, I fuck up often. However if and when I fuck up, I will apologise and educate myself on the subject.
Again I’m very sorry for people I affected in my post.
Tyler Charles Austen 