Mental Health & Disability

Why in the ever growing fuck do I decide to write obscure title ideas into my journal and expect to pull something out of my ass. Why do you do this Tyler, WHY? 

I suppose when I first put this down as an idea it was to talk about the cross over of having both mental health issues and being physically broken. I do say this knowing I’ve actually spent time at home and knowing that whilst I can move a limited distance in my one bedroom flat, going outside is an entirely different thing. I am pretty privileged in the fact that whilst walking anything other than 20 steps is either complete agony or there is a 80% chance something would dislocate I could evacuate on my own legs in case of an emergency. This also doesn’t factor in the chronic fatigue that I suffer though and that’s an entire different ball game altogether or the spinal injury that I have, or even this epilepsy… Fuck me I actually am broken. But there are people in far worse situations than I am in, and I need to be thankful for the small  mercy’s I have been blessed with. 

However life entirely intersectional and my “good” days do not factor in the days where I am experiencing severe mental health issues. I’ve spoken before about living with psychosis and depression but factor in living with it and being trapped in my own body ALL OVER AGAIN and it just manifests into a pit of shit that I can barely get out of. 

Recently I have suffered body dysphoria really really badly, which has been physically kicking my ass. It’s not even about my chest (nearly a year post op now) or even so much my genitals as much but just being in this fucking broken shell at times just feels fucking disheartening. I feel constantly that people will just not find me attractive enough because I’m trans but being wheelchair bound AND trans really limits your options in not only the dating pool but your friendship circles as well. It’s weird, it doesn’t feel a part of me and I don’t know if that is because I’m having dysphoria because I’m trans or just fucking depressed because in order to see people and to function, I NEED to be in my chair. 

It is a constant emotional roller coaster because people are much worse off than I am in many places. They are trapped at home unable to get about or unable to transition and I have the privilege to do both but sometimes it really does just get too much at times. It is physically draining to be human. It’s a full time job that I have had to juggle and I don’t have the physical capacity to deal with everything all at once like I used to. 

The worst part is that people pity me. They pity me for being trans. They pity me for being in my chair, and it is just bullshit. I don’t need pity. What I need, what I really need are three simple things

• Partners that fucking understand me
• Friends that act normal towards me
• Being able to access spaces and not panic because they are not wheelchair accessible 

You would think that these are simple fucking requests but in fact as the time has progressed, I have realised that no, actually they are not. These are just tiny things and honestly it gets to me that every day is a fucking joke. This is the type of shit that makes me depressed and unwell. And it is the same for everyone else in this situation. 

I’m not even going to start mentioning the patronisation or the fact that we are seen less equally than others because that is another goddamn blog post and will last longer than the state of my patience with society. 

If you do have friends, family, loved ones who are in this situation. Please check up on them from time to time. Being disabled actually is a really lonely experience. It is like watching the whole world go by but you are frozen and unable to do a thing. Please respect disabled folk and as my final thing, DO NOT TUT AT THEM BECAUSE ONE DAY YOU MAY END UP LIKE THIS TOO. 

Proposing To Your Partner

Today’s post is about the ideal way to propose to your partner. Now fuck knows why I have been given this one to do but I shall try and give it a go.

Just do what ever makes you feel comfortable. Some people like romance and a huge display, some people just like intimate events. Research what your partner actually prefers before you go whole hog on the situation. You don’t want to embarrase them, if they like it quiet and you don’t want it to be anti climatic if they love grand gestures. 

The price of the ring shouldn’t be the main thing. However choose one that they would actually like. It’s something they will be owning for a long time. 

Finally practice what you are going to say. Try not to stumble on your words, and remember to relax
Good luck

Ten Things I’m Thankful Of – 17

I haven’t done one of these in a couple of months. I’ve been so busy with so many things I haven’t had time, so excuse my absence.
For starters, thank you to my wonderful partners. They have been amazing as always and they put up with me being a dick.
Thank you to my family. I’ve gone back up to Scotland for a couple of weeks and as well as spending time with them, I have been able to fuss baby owls.

Thank you to the NHS, because they have been pumping me full of painkillers and medication whilst I have been on and off ill.
Thank you to the random stranger who asked me to do a review in exchange for a free e-copy of there book. Whilst I didn’t like it personally, it was still a great offer and I appreciate it.
Its difficult because the rest of the news hasn’t been great lately, especially with the terrible result of the EU vote. So I would like to thank the people who actually voted to remain. We tried.

Thank you to all the people who will be affected by this news. Thank you to all the people of colour for putting up with this shit news. The members of Europe who live here and are now getting abuse. I’m sorry that you are getting abuse. You don’t deserve this.
Thank you to the people who have supported me lately when things got shit.
And finally thank you to all my readers. Without you, I am nothing

Dear Tyler

I thought I would do a letter to my younger self. Something i would say to me if I met the person I was ten years ago.
CN – Talks about rape and assault and drug and alcohol abuse.

S – Sex

The comment on this is “Awkward sex stories are the best”, so I assume that’s what the person who chose this wants to hear. Ok, let’s mention a couple of stories and points that have made sex uncomfortable or awkward.
1. I once did it in a club on stage with my partner at the time, there was a good couple of hundred people there. It wasn’t a sex club and it was pretty obvious we were fucking. We got kicked out of the club not because we fucked on stage but we tried to have round two in the toilets.
2. I’ve seen an ex partners parents collection of home photos they have taken of themselves whilst they were doing it. That made dinners with them very awkward.
3. I’ve had to go to hospital for a couple of sexual injuries. The worst being that the batteries from my vibrator exploded and leaked, and I got battery acid burns where you shouldn’t EVER get battery acid.
4. Got caught by a priest fucking in a church. I’m sorry. I’m very very sorry.
5. I suffer from sexomnia which means I tend to do sexual stuff in my sleep. This may sound funny, but I cannot share a bed with anyone unless they are fully aware that this happens and is beyond my control. It has ruined a good few friendships sadly

Tomorrow is T – Terror

Ten things I’m thankful for – 16

I’m jumping straight into this one today.  You will understand when I get there.

1) Thank you to everyone who has wished me happy birthday today, I appreciate it

2) Thank you to my family for having me with them. I love spending time with them, and I miss them already

3) Thank you for Steph and Kai for just being them

4) Thank you to the witnesses for making my A-Z challenge easier then what of should be, but I hate you all for asking my mum sexual questions.

5) Thank you Daisy and Cleo for tomorrow. I’m looking forward to going to the zoo.

6) Thank you to everyone who has followed me the past few weeks because of the A-Z challenge and thank you for your kind words.

7) Thank you Charlie, Lee and the everyone who came to the training we went to. It was amazing

8) Thank you to everyone who wished we well

9) Thank you to the taxi driver who got me to the hospital really quickly, and sounding just like John Hurt.

10) Thank you to the staff at the hospital for treating me so quickly. I’m alive. Its an infection that I have, and I’m on rest bite. So help me I’m going to the zoo tomorrow, but I’m taking it easy.

M – Mother

The notes for this word were that they wanted to hear from the sass queen herself. So, by the powers of the internet I’ve got my mum to answer some questions people wanted to ask her. Because I asked the same group that gave me the words for the challenge, some of the questions were too inappropriate to put on here and there just wasn’t enough time to have them all. So sorry if your questions didn’t make the cut. But I will try and convince mum to do this again. So without further introduction, here is my mum answering questions.

Them owls though. Like, how many do you have? And to make this a compound question… Do you have a favourite owl?

So far we have 2 owls, one barn owl, one snowy. A rooster and a crow called Russell. Bob is my favourite owl.

Whats your favorite color?

Black
my brother alerts mum that its a shade and not a colour
I don’t give a shit. Black.

What’s the most embarrassing story you have about Tyler?

I can’t think of anything that’s embarrassing, yeah amusing but not embarrassing . I don’t think anyone’s going to believe that , but that’s how it is. Though you could explain to people the story of people thinking we were lesbians in the toilet that time.

Ok so this story goes as followed, when I was 15 I ended up in hospital after an overdose. Whilst we were waiting to be seen by the doctor, I needed a piss and mum had to take me to the toilet. Now my mum also needed to go, so we ended up taking a while. When we both left, a man looked at us and said
“Filthy lesbians, they are even doing it in the hospital”
My mum just looked at him deadpan and replied
“Thanks but that’s my child you are talking about” And we just walked away laughing at how ignorant this twat was.

If Joe has 4 apples and Jack has 5,764 apples, will Joe get away with murder because Jack is a hoarding bastard who can’t share?

Mum laughs Yes.

Tyler’s mum, what’s one of your favorite meals?

Some form of pasta I suppose. I dunno what is my favourite meal? Ok forget that, its got to be pork. Roast dinner.

If you could be in the form of any species of dog, what would you be?

Rottwiller and I can bite the shit out of people, or a Jack Russell and bite the shit out of people and get away with it.

What are your thoughts on the Daddy kink?

Mum asked at this point what a daddy kink was, so I had to explain it to her.
Nah that’s a bit pervy. In fact I wouldn’t want anyone to remind me of my dad.

Tyler: How many people have you been with?
Tylers mum: how many people do you think they have slept with?

I don’t know, its more than double digits anyway, its probably in the triple digits! Is it in the triple digits? I’m sure its not in the quadruple digits. I don’t know. Over 50
I then tell my mum that I stopped counting at 200
Well I did say over 50

Have you ever watched any shock videos like 2girls1cup?

No but I’ve seen similar, not for anything sexual. I’m just a curious person.

Have you ever caught in the act of being with someone?

Yeah!!! Its a bugger when you don’t have curtains in a car.
I’m not even going to lie, I died a little inside when mum said that. I hope you are proud of yourselves internet people

Does size matter?

Depends what we are talking about. If its car yeah, anything else yeah.

Whats your favorite sex position and why?

I don’t have a favourite but I like the surprise

When did you lose your virginity?

I was 17. I was quite impressed William makes a grossed out face Your impressed with that too.

Do you prefer anal or oral?

Oral. Just

How many people have you slept with?

Probably about ten, I’m just in double figures

Do you have any regrets ?

No. Because it wouldn’t lead to what I have now, however I regret stuff I haven’t done.

What’s it like having a child that’s trans?

I have 3 children, one of each. Honestly it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

Thank you for reading this post. Tomorrow is N for Nature. Keep a look out for it. Please feel free to share and comment.

F – Friends

I am lucky that I have several good friends in my life. I have both my wonderful partners who are just amazing. As well as them, I have gained many friends over the past few years.
Whilst I lost several friends when I came out as transgender, I was lucky to gain so many more, thanks to joining FTMB and going out to queer spaces and groups. I met both my partners in queer spaces also. I have gained so much more than just friendship within people in the community and its made me become a better person.
I have also gained lots of friends online, thanks to admining a few groups and pages online. What’s great about people online is that you are friends with people because you share common interests and if you don’t like someone, you don’t have to see them again.
This post is probably going to be one of my shortest ones, but there isn’t much I can cover with just friends.

Tomorrow is G – Gods and Gravestones. Please feel free to follow me during this A-Z challenge, all of the words were picked by people online, and I had to make posts about them.
Want to talk about what friends are to you? Feel free to post in the comments

Ten Things I’m Thankful For – 15

So this past two week a fair few things have happened, so let’s get down to business.

The start of April brought us the A – Z writing challenge, so I would like to thank the creators for this wonderful event. I’ve come across so many different styles of blogging and its amazing.
I’m finally up seeing my family. Woop woop. So I’m thankful for my family being there for me and me being able to spend time away from Brighton.
Some arsehole decided to not only rip off one of my old posts, make a transphobic piss take from it, they linked my post in their shitty thing. Plus side, free advertising. My blog blew up with views. So I thanked him for doing what he did.

It was also transgender day of visibility. Which meant that for one day, non queers apparently go on about how they love transgender people and think its all ok to not even bother the rest of the 365 days of the year. I thank everyone who is honestly respectful to the trans/non binary community and we need more allies that give a shit as opposed to people who give us lip service.
Kai took me to the sea life centre on Good Friday and it was really cool. I thank the sea life centre for giving us the backstage tour and being fucking awesome. Also I thank Kai for just being amazing.

I haven’t had as much time as I have wanted to with Steph recently and I hate that. I am thankful that they are so understanding that we are both really busy at the moment.
I am now the chair of FTMB, which is both terrifying and rewarding at the sane time. I thank everyone who has been around and just been amazing.
I got my hair done at a barbers / hair salon for the first time in years. I was called He the whole time, so that’s made me really happy.
I also took a really fun picture and got people no “Name my album” which ended up being really funny. So I’m thankful for humour.

I think that’s it! Its been a pretty busy couple of weeks, I’m surprised that I managed to squeeze this post in if I’m honest.

I shall see you all in two weeks time

Queer Dating – Part Ten – Thank You

So that’s it. We have been on this ride for nearly 4 months and ten posts have come from it. Content note. Some swears and some offensive language some people might be offended with