4 Weeks Later

It has been 4 weeks (tomorrow) since my top surgery, so I thought I would give an update about how it is going.

Physically really well. My scarline is much smaller than anticipated and the swelling is going down now. I’m still covered on residue glue, which is fine. But they look like streaky dirt lines. I still look a bit wonky and bulgy in places, but it’s normal and worst case is that I have a revision before I get my nipples tattooed. 

Pain wise , it’s getting there. It still hurts from time to time, and it’s more of an ache than anything else throughout the day, but it’s livable. 

Emotionally, I’m fucking drained. I want to be better and go back to normal life, what ever the fuck that is. I know I’m about half way through recovery and that sucks so much. 

Apart from that, I’m taking each day as it comes. The title image was done by a wonderful photography student called Anna Lodge who took photos as part of her studies for the university of Sussex, working with specifically under 30s with tattoos. 

Body Shame – Curse Of The Nippleless

Now I know that cishet people probably get a little fucked off by the amount I go on and on about their frustrations. If you are cisgender and heterosexual, relax this gripe isn’t with you for once. You can sit back with a coffee and a snack and read how a trans persons mad at trans people. 

Yes! Shock! Horror! A trans person is actually mad about their own kind. What sweet fuckery is this? Well I will tell you. My nipples, or lack off. That’s what’s wrong. 

You see, there is this bullshit idealistic view that many binary trans men have when it comes to top surgery. Nipples should always be attached, regardless of why you should choose not no have them grafted on to your own body. 

When I got given my top surgery options I flat out said from the start that I was planning not to keep my nipples. This was for several reasons, one was due to my personal view on how the results are and another was that my body is terrible and an aesthetic skin graft would more likely end up with a serious infection and most likely rejection, so I would need to get them tattooed on regardless. My surgeon fully agreed with me on this.

Before I had top surgery I was getting pressured by trans guys to keep my nipples because:

* It would look too weird and gross

* It would ruin my sex life

* I would regret it

*Tattooed nipples don’t look realistic

*  It doesn’t look natural

I was actually quite surprised that trans guys were shaming other trans and non binary people for not wanting or physically being unable to have nipple grafts. Regardless of what people thought though, I binned the nips. 

A couple of weeks have passed and I have already started getting pressure on me getting them tattooed. Can’t my body fucking heal first? I have just been cut open. My lack of nipples have suddenly been brought to light because it’s not the norm. No it’s not. 

What’s not been acceptable is that I have been pressured to get them put back on. That my body should suddenly be dictated and that a tattoo for aesthetic reasons must be done immediately so I don’t make the community look like freaks. They are not an importance to me, but they are to everyone else. I’m sick of people saying that it’s weird, gross and unnatural to not have nipples. I’m more upset that it’s coming from my own goddamn community and this pressure has to stop. 

Top surgery is entirely different for everyone, and the results vary from person to person. Today I got shamed because my scar lines are far too uneven and I must have had some serious complications. Again I must stress that I’m only just two weeks in, and I’m seriously swollen on one side, but that’s normal.

I had to educate trans people that top surgery isn’t always a straight line across, and that the chances are really slim for someone to get the perfect cut across unless they started off as perfectly even chested to begin with. Being able to hide scaring is an actual privilege and a lot of trans guys shouldn’t be shamed because their bodies do not look perfect or fit a certain criteria. 

There is some serious toxic masculinity bullshit going on in binary trans masculine spaces and it does damage young trans people with unrealistic body expectations. I post my pictures unedited in groups because they look like what they are and myself (and other trans people) will get moaned at because it looks painful and sore. Of course its sore. It’s fucking surgery. No one is trying to put people off it, we are just showing you what the reality is, and not filtered edited bullshit stories with unrealistic body types.  

Surgery hurts, treatment hurts. But would I do it all over again and do the same things, fuck yeah!