E – Emptiness

*Content warning – some of the content written may be upsetting for some readers. Contains talk about death, miscarriage and abuse*

When you spend ages trying to put of writing something, you know there is often a good reason for it. When this word came up, I almost decided to throw in the towel and not do this. But I’m here and I’m talking about emptiness.
There have been many points that I have felt like there is nothing inside of me, that I’m just hollow and nothing can fill the void that’s there. It doesn’t help that I suffer from poor mental health, if you have read some of my other posts outside this challenge, I have spoken about my battle with bipolar and clinical depression. I have also spoken very publicly about being in a relationship with a partner who was abusive. Which I suppose brings me to the first point of feeling empty.
When you go through abuse, you feel like you are the only person in the world that feels like its happening to them. You feel like no one is going to believe you and that you are the reason why its happening. Its nothing but both internal and external bullshit around you and it takes a lot to get out of the cycle, in one piece. It took me a long time to get back to the person I was.

I have felt emptiness on other occasions. I have lost several people in my life, and it’s ripped my heart out. I have also suffered multiple miscarriages because my body has just not allowed a fetus to develop. They have all been at very early stages, but it still fucked my head up each time it happened. I would feel just dead inside, hollow, that there was nothing there. Now at the time, it nearly killed me being unable to bring a pregnancy to full term, and I used to think the phrase “everything happens for a reason” was utter bullshit. Then life changed.

I came out and I realised that if I hadn’t had everything happen to me, that I hadn’t felt this empty void in my life, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I had come out because I realised that I needed to sort my shit out and stop running away and pretending that what was going on inside wasn’t going to kill me if I didn’t resolve it.
As I worked on my treatment for gender reassignment, I started looking at all the other issues I had and started going into recovery. Whilst I am still very unwell at times, I have been able to function better and find better coping skills.
The emptiness that is there is slowly getting filled with other things in my life. One day it will all get better

Thank you for reading this. Please feel free to comment about this post. The next post is F.

Please Get Help.

Dear people who need it right now.

Get help if you need it. Laugh if you can, cry if you have to. I know that this world is tough and you feel like people are against you, but the people who care for you are not.
I know you are hurting, and that break ups are hard. I know you want to push away people who were trying to help you, because its a defence mechanism.
If I had a pound for every person I pushed away at a time of crisis , I would be financially stable and possibly afford surgery. Everyone does it, and I totally understand that you need to do that to recover from quite clearly what you are suffering from.
When my Nan passed I felt like the whole world was against me. I drank, I refused to be medicated for my illnesses and tried to destroy things in other people’s lives. Because I felt like they were talking about me, trying to destroy my own life and feelings. I now know that what I was going through was grief and the paranoia that was going into it.
During this time I broke up with my partner, lost contact with a lot of friends and blocked a lot of people from my circle. This was because I felt at the time that I was always in the right, and what they were doing was entirely wrong. Again, I realised that this wasn’t the case, and that they were trying to help me become a better person. My language I was using during my sick time, and my behaviour was terrible.
Now, if you are going through this, please get help. Do not think you can cope with it by yourself. The problem with being ill sometimes is that you slowly try and isolate yourself from other people, and a vicious cycle starts. This doesn’t help anyone. I know you are struggling and I know that its a lot to cope with. But there are other people out there that can help you.
I’m sorry that you might be feeling at your worst at the moment, life maybe at its darkest. But please take care of yourself and stop trying to make others feel just as bad as you do now.

Please get help, not just for you but for the others around you. You don’t need to be like this.

❤

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