Five Years Of Transition

So this year, at the beginning of August marked 5 years of me officially coming out as trans. 

5 fucking years this has been going on for and whilst I have found this a wonderful journey, it is something that I would not wish upon anyone. Yes I am happy, yes this is what I have always wanted but the confusion, the physical endurance, the surgery panic and a loss of friends has taken it’s toll on me. 

I still have my hysterectomy to be booked and sorted but that’s officially it for me. Having top surgery and a wonderful consultation with the amazing Dr Lorrimer also managed to clear my head in regards to my own gender identity and I came out as Agender earlier in the year. I also came out as gay also, as I realised that me being bisexual just didn’t fit anymore. I’m attracted to masculine folk and I’m masc/andro presenting and masc/andro gender identified so gay is in all honestly how I see myself. 

Hormones have been still the burden of my life, I still do find them a bit of a drain but I’m doing much better than I was. On a scale, I’m about 4/5 of the way through puberty and my skin has cleared up at least, but losing my hair has been quite upsetting. 

Top surgery was this year though, and that was good. I decided not to bother with getting my nipples tattooed in the end, but it means I don’t have to worry so much about getting my chest tattooed. I will be probably having a revision as one side is slightly wonky, but the results past that have been AMAZING. I couldn’t have asked for more to be honest.  

I look forward to the final changes that I do have in myself, and that I hope that one day I can grow a reasonable beard. 

Till then I’ve just got these facepubes to contend with. At least it’s something though. 

As the years progress I hope I finally find peace with my ever changing, constant breaking body, and next year I hope that my medical transition is complete. 

Three years on T

Every year I do the whole “look at what changes have happened” round about the same time. The 12th marked 3 years of me being on hormone replacement therapy, so let’s have a catch up on what has happened in the past 12 months regarding my transition

Well after the bullshit funding rejection, Charring Cross signed me off for top surgery. I need to contact the surgeon team to book an appointment. I have taken a little time off my transition because of other things that have been very important in my life. 

I got a lower surgery consultation, it was good but the doctor was really shit with me. He only gave me 10 mins for the whole session.

My hair is at the last few months now of keeping it. Soon it will be too patchy and I will have to shave it off.

Beard hair is FINALLY coming through. 

Acne is still there and still painful.

To be honest, these past 12 months have been really quiet in regards to my transition. Hopefully in the next year I get to report that I have had at least top surgery. 

What They Don’t Tell You About T

So its coming up to my 3 year anniversary on testosterone and I thought I would do a post about the shit I wasn’t expecting or didn’t think would happen. Now if you are going to start using T or are on it, I would like to say that everyone’s journey is entirely different and that you might not experience everything that I have said here or maybe stuff that’s completely different. It works differently for different people.

As a content note I will be talking about genitals, body image issues, physical issues and depression. 

The first thing I will tell you is this. When people say that you won’t feel anything for a good few months, they were bullshitting when it came to me. Within 2 weeks my voice started cracking and it was painful. Icecream is your friend. For some people when your voice starts changing you will realise that cold liquids might be the only thing you might be able to intake because it hurts to swallow. This is normal and it will pass. If it doesn’t pass after a while contact your doctor. 

Secondly. I’m three years in and the acne is still so fucking bad that when I have top surgery I don’t know if I could go shirtless because of how bad it is over my body. This is because the hair folicals are still trying to come through. If you are expecting to be a hairy bear overnight forget it. It will probably take some considerable time unless you have the hairy genetics. 

Thirdly, there is a huge brag about how your sex life will get better, and how you will want to do it more. For some people this is not the case what so ever. And its ok if you are not interested in having sex. I know there is sometimes a huge pressure in trans masculine spaces to be sexually confident but its perfectly fine for you not to be. When I started T I was horny 24/7 for about 3 months and then it became pretty low. Its normal. Also its normal for your sexual tastes to change and providing its consenting and legal its perfectly fine to try out those new tastes. Also I would like to say that be prepared for growth. Your clitoris (or dick or penis or how you describe your genitals to make you feel a little more comfortable) may get considerable in size. For me it became really fucking uncomfortable to put up with. 

Forthly. There is a huge pressure to start working out and going to the gym with a few trans men. There is also quite a lot of transphobia and sexism in the community. Surprisingly there is a fair bit of toxic masculinity and you do not have to settle for it. Never let someone shame you for your body or how you present. Its your transition. 

Fifthly, depression happens. T is not a magical drug that makes every problem go away at the jab of a needle. Whilst some people feel that they are suddenly happier, for others it’s not the case and you are in your right not to be forced to be happy when you are not. 

My sixth point is a rare point, but it happened to me and I feel as if I need to share this. There is a slight chance that the shot site you use (if you are on injectables) may waste away. After a period of time the area (mainly your butt) might not be usable. If this is the case you can move to your upper thigh (outside leg not inside). There have been a few admin in trans groups that have been saying that this is misinformation but I am speaking from someone who confirmed this with nurses, doctors, an endocrinology department doctor who specialises in hormones and a gender identity clinic doctor. Your thigh if your arse is too painful or not viable can be used. Remember to always alternate what sides you use also. 

Finally. It doesn’t matter what type of T you use, and it doesn’t make you less of a man if you use gel. Don’t let people bully you into what type you use. I had to swap from sustanon to nibedo because sustanon affected me really badly. Its ok to change which T you use also. Just make sure you have regular check ups. 

Remember this journey is yours and that everything is different for everyone. 

2.5 Years And A Valentine’s Day

So on the 12th it was officially two and a half years since I have been on hormone therapy. I think I can safely say that now I’m starting to see some considerable changes from when I first started.

Me today

Before i started hormones

For starters I’ve shifted about 20kg in those years, which I’m so fucking proud of. Secondly, I’ve improved mentally, developed more masculine features and the “girl” curves are on their way to leaving. I’m slowly getting the beard (though its not noticeable in the top picture). I’ve also become more confident in myself as the months have passed recently.
Downsides are that I’m STILL suffering from back acne, but its now turning up all over. I think the body wants me to be a hairy bear. I just wish I didn’t have to go through the acne hell before it turns up. Recently my throats been greeting scratchy, so I’m probably due another voice break soon, and sleep is still all over the place. Its also coming up to my first appointment with Charing Cross, so I’m a bit all over the place trying to work out how I feel. Hopefully though I get my first signature for top surgery, but I don’t have my hopes up.

In other news, Valentines day happened on Sunday. I got to spend time with both Steph and Kai at the same time, without it being group work related. Although I think I can say all three of us were feeling like shit that day, we managed to go to dinner at Day’s and spend a little bit of time at The Marlborough. We are planning to see Deadpool on Sunday (expect a review) and I’m going to do separate days with both of them.
I am so lucky to have two wonderful partners who are so supportive, but between partners, groups and sleeping, there are not enough hours in the day to do anything else.
I wouldn’t change it for the world though ❤

Ten things I’m thankful of – 11

Finally I am posting my first TTITO this year. I realised I haven’t done this is so long, so it would be nice to start it up again. The past couple of months have been a bit weird but nether the less, here is my list

1) My family and partners. They have been and continue to be a wonderful part in my life. Honestly I am really fucking lucky to have them all in my life. Steph and I recently had our 6th month anniversary and in February I will be celebrating our 3 year anniversary with Kai.
2) Olivia. The internet brings often very little comfort but I have got lucky to find someone who is utterly adorable and is smart and funny. She has been a huge rock lately ❤
3) Amazon wish lists. Kai and I were blessed by a couple of wonderful people who in different parts of the world have bought us gifts. We are so thankful for the items we have got. Thank you so much.
4) The trans alliance. They set up swimming for trans people once a fortnight and it's been wonderful to go and do that for an hour.
5) Internet friends. They have been wonderful ❤
6) Hormones. I'm finally starting to see more realistic changes now. Its also been 2.5 years being on T.

7) Hair dye, because who wants boring coloured hair
8) WordPress. Because I’ve been able to get so many more followers recently and the blog is getting more and more popular
9) Knitted scarves because its cold outside.
10) Fireplaces. Again because its cold.

Transition Update And A Few Notes

I’m going to start with the few notes.
I’m not wasting my breath on the events on Tuesday, whilst I know venting my frustration was the sole reason why I created this blog in the first place, I do not need to get into something just yet. Let’s just say that it was inappropriate, and it will be dealt with in the correct manner. So I’m going to allow spongebob yet again to convey my frustration over this.

Now however for the fun part. I FINALLY GOT MY LETTER THROUGH FROM CHARING CROSS!!!!!
Finally after years of bullshit, Dr battles, getting hormones through an alternative route, and a funding rejection after seeing a surgeon. I can finally deal with the slow process of waiting to see when they will sign me off for top surgery!
The date of the appointment is on the 19th February, and of course I will post about how it went.
Finally there is some good things starting to happen.

Sorry for the short post, but this is just an update on what’s happening at the moment. More posts will follow, once I have cleared my thoughts.

Hoochie’s Guest Post

Hiiii readers of Hoochie! I was asked very kindly if I could do a guest post, and obviously I agreed to this, and not because I’m thirsty as hell and crave attention but I was asked to talk about being trans following some recent issues involving media representation.
So I would like to start by introducing myself. I’m Tyler, I’m 28, I’m poly amorous , I have two beautiful partners and I’m transgender. I identify as a Trans masculine person, yet I’m quite “festive” in presentation on occasions. What this means for myself is that I was FAB (female assigned at birth) yet I am male.

Now the reasons for this post. A television show recently came on that had trans people in their show. Some of the people involved did not give consent to some of the footage, the people involved were also originally pitched a different idea to the show that actually came out, including the title. Now I’m not going to even mention the shows title past this point. It was called Girls to Men. It was meant to be called The Testosterone Diaries. The show itself mainly focused on penis and surgeries, and had no representation of non binary identities.
I realised because of this that sometimes other trans stories need to be told, and those voices should be heard louder that a shitty freak show filmed and edited with no care and very little attention to the people they are actually affecting.
For starters you should try and talk to CJ and Sabah about this. They are the victims of this show. They were only used as token POC who didn’t even agree to the shows final format. They are wonderful people and my heart goes out to them.
Secondly, please if you are not trans and you would like education, please research. Don’t take shock docs seriously, and try and speak to actual trans people. I would suggest googling “My genderation” the videos are made by trans people.
Thirdly, and I speak from the heart here. Not all trans people can or want surgery. This doesn’t make them any less trans. I personally do not want lower surgery. I went through a stage where I thought that was the only thing I desired more than my life itself, but then I questioned why I was wanting it. It was because I felt I HAD to. The reasons why I decided it wasn’t for me were quite simple. These reasons are my reasons against having phalloplasty, there are also other surgeries also. 
1) I couldn’t go through 3/4 different surgeries, trying to build a penis, only for complications to happen. I’m not going to lie, they can happen, and they do, often. I do not have the physical strength to go through that
2) Even after no complications, you could end up with no feeling/ no sensations. I couldn’t face years of treatment only for it to be unusable to me
3) Even if this all worked, the rod that holds erections, does need to be changed/re fit. Again that’s more surgery, and that is just excessive for me
4) I’m comfortable with my man cunt. If I could magically take a pill and it changed to a penis, then I would take that in a heart beat. But I have grown accustomed to owning a vagina. The only issues I had was periods, I can deal with a vagina providing I do not associate it with womanhood in my head , and that’s what periods did to me.
5) I really like being fucked. And there is no shame in that. It doesn’t make you less of a man if you are penetrated.

I suppose that this post is to alert people that its OK not to want to go through evasive surgeries, if they do not want to. I feel like there is a massive pressure on trans people to be a set way, and that’s not true. There are many ways to be trans and many paths to choose from. I hope that this post has wanted to start conversation and will encourage more people to talk about their own experiences with sexuality and gender.  The best way to find out about other people’s lives is by asking us our own stories and not by sensational TV.

Now, since you have read this on here, you should go view http://hoochie-coochie-hotsauce.tumblr.com because that’s who I wrote this for. They have an amazing blog, and this post is written for her followers 🙂

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Television And Transition

If you have been following my blog, or know me, you would know that I’m Transgender. I have made no attempt to hide it either in my public life or on my blog. If you have just happened to have stumbled on my blog for the first time. Hiiiii, welcome to my blog. You have probably found me in the darker recesses of the internet, lurking in the corner. Please be aware that this post (as most of my other posts) contains some language viewers might find upsetting.

Dear Cis People.

*****
Now before I start I know a few people are going to say stuff like this:
“NOT ALL CIS PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS”
“STOP SAYING THAT WE ARE ALL THE SAME”
“WHY LABEL US LIKE THAT, WE ARE ALL THE SAME”. (My favourite)
Just stop. If you are my actual friend, chances are, this post is NOT about you. You can skip this if you want to. This post isn’t about the people who actually listen to trans people and educate  themselves without offending. This post is about the people who actually don’t understand why its so hard for us sometimes. I know some of my friends have even asked some of these questions, and I have been totally OK to answer them. But its about context and the way its been addressed to me.
I shit you not , my sex life was brought up at a Christmas dinner in front of my family and that was totally uncool. That is an example of how things shouldn’t be addressed to me.
*****

I never thought I would be the type of trans person to start a post like this, but it has come to my attention that being trans regardless of where I am, causes some sort of issue regardless of who I’m with. So here are a few pointers / things that have been said, and I’m going to try and explain things in the easiest way possible. These have been things that have legitimately been said to me in regards to my transition. This may bring up a few triggers to some people, and I apologise. This contains “subtle” transphobic comments , transphobia and comments that might be upsetting.

1.” You were so pretty as a girl”

Why thank you for complimenting me. Thank you also for telling me how wonderful you think I looked when I was my most unhappiest. As much as you think that this is a compliment, please don’t. It screams “You were once attractive, why would you do this”. My transition has nothing to do with what my exterior previously looked like. It was merely a shell that I was trapped in.  It also implies to someone that they are not as attractive as what they once were. No one wants to hear that, regardless of whether you are trans or not. Whether I was more or less attractive pre transition, its still MY transition. And I am far more comfortable and happy now, then what I was several years ago.

2. “Why are you wanting to be male?”

Wanting? WANTING? Things I want for. A nice house, a cure for cancer, my family to be happy. There is no wanting in my gender. I AM MALE, what I want, is for my tits to be cut off, so I don’t have people calling me “she”. How can I want something I already am?

3. “How do you expect to be taken seriously when you look like that”

Well, because how I dress, what colour my hair is, my expression, IS MY CHOICE AND NOT YOURS. If I based everything solely in appearance, the world would be entirely weird. The only thing I do not have a choice on, is my top surgery. I’m still waiting, and I’m looking forward to that day. So what if I dye my hair pink (though its blue right now), it doesn’t make me any less male. So what if I wear eyeliner, most male punks/goths wear eyeliner. So what if I paint my nails, again see the previous comment MOST MALE PUNKS AND GOTHS DO IT. Just because I was “once female” , doesn’t mean I should stop doing things I enjoy. I also enjoy cooking, should I stop doing that?

4. “So when are you going to get the surgery?”

How long is a piece of string? Also what surgery are you talking about, because there are several different types. Also you are assuming that I’m going to want all surgery’s. Now I must admit that there was a time where I wanted a penis. I would have gone under the knife in a millisecond without hesitation. But then I saw the risks. When you see so many of your friends struggle with lower surgery, see how so many mistakes were happening, it does put you off. Now if there was less risks and more research, I will certainly reconsider my options, but in all honesty. I’m ok with not getting it done. I’ve already said how I want chest surgery done. I don’t think I could honestly manage living my live with something so large and visible on me for the rest of my life. Where as I don’t honestly expect for everyone to notice my genitals, since they are normally contained in my pants.

5. “So are you going to be liking boys or girls now?”

Ok, I know that this is hard to understand, but sexuality and gender are TWO SEPARATE THINGS. Before I came out I was bisexual, I am still bisexual. I haven’t suddenly decided I’m going to “pick a side” now I’m male.

6. “So how do you have sex?”

Well, first we make a cake. A great big fucking cake, with icing. Then we worship to the cake and pie gods, and then we proceed to poke our belly buttons till we think we have had enough.

7. “Your only doing this for attention”

Well if I wanted attention, I don’t think I would go through all the effort to loose friends, make my mum say that there are two sons now, want life changing surgery, shove needles in my are every 10 weeks and deal with  the social awkwardness that comes with being trans.

8. “You can’t be male, your DNA wont change, it will still say female, and you will have to always tell the hospitals that you are female, because they will give you the wrong medication other wise”

Here is what’s wrong with that statement. There are billions of people in the world, there are also millions of people who’s DNA DOES NOT match up with their body’s. There is also more than the standard XX /XY chromosomes. Also as a side note, 1 in 1000 people who are born have some signs of being intersex. WHICH INCLUDES, GUESS WHAT, DIFFERENT CHROMOSOMES. Hell, have you even had yours tested? Does it match up?
Secondly, medication is done by body mass, height, ect. Most medication is in fact for everyone to use. And if a Dr tries to give me a prostate exam. I will state that its not required.
*I am going to side note this though, please keep up to date with prostate exams, cervical screening ect, the drs might not send out letters, but you do need this checked. Go to a medical practitioner you trust or there are also lots of lgbt clinics you can go to without having to publicly out yourself*

9. “People need to know what you are though”

What am I ? Human. What I am doesn’t define me. When I actually go out to date people (and trust me, if you have said that, your probably not one of them) I normally date in the queer community, and that’s because there is no need for me to out myself. There is no expectation, and also my genitals are not the main topic.

10. “I bet your parents don’t actually approve, they are just saying they are to make you happy”

Now, OK this is a two part answer. My father (ewww I’m mentioning him on here) has no decisions in my life. He pissed that up the wall well before I came out. His opinion means fuck all to me. As for the second part. Have you met my mum? Have you asked her about my transition? Because I have, friends have and so has Kai. And do you know what she says. She has never been so happy for me, because for 25 years I was a miserable cunt, with no life. She has defended me, been there like no other person has and if there was ever an issue, we talk about it. Hell she’s even injected me with my hormones. So before you judge my family by your expectations, you might want to ask them what they actually think.

Thank you for reading this. I know its been a huge rant of things. But if I can show one person how some questions actually affect us, and they learn from that, my job is done.

24 Months Of Injections

Today I celebrate 2 years of me being on hormones. I am probably assuming that people are probably wanting to hear how its changed my life, and yes I will be talking about that. But first I would like to say that honestly, regardless on how you transition, how you decide where and when you are going, where you decide to stop. YOU ARE PERFECT. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise! Your transition is YOURS and yours alone. There is no right way, no wrong way, there is your way.
CW – Hormones, Sex, Genitals, Depression, Self harm. Please don’t read further if you feel you might be affected by this.

So I started hormones on the 12th August 2013. I didn’t choose to go via a GIC for them. I went straight to the Endocrine team in Brighton and Hove. After 4 months from my initial appointment and a psychiatric assessment, I was given the go ahead. My voice started cracking, and my clitoris grew pretty quickly. And I’m talking within a couple of weeks. I’m not going to lie, it terrified me. I had been told that changes are slow. And I truly wasn’t expecting it. It honestly made me feel like a freak, and I couldn’t be touched by anyone. Have you ever felt so sexually frustrated but can’t have anyone touch you? The only thing I could do was masterbate, and when I did have sex, it became so painful.
I developed terrible mood swings, hated myself, hated my body, I honestly wanted to die. I think I only self harmed once and that was right at the beginning. Its been probably nearly 2 years since I have cut, so that’s a huge thing for me too. The longest I had ever managed was like a year. However I had contemplated suicide many times during my transition. I realised that it was the brand I was on. Turns out Sustanon isn’t that great if you have mental health issues.
I moved onto nibedo, every ten weeks and things improved greatly. I only experienced the mood swings towards the end of my shots, and it is more of a gradual release of hormones. I haven’t changed my shots since and I’ve noticed so much more improvement.
Its only been the past few months that I’ve been getting face fuzz. And not even a beard, just patchy face pubes. I don’t think I’m going to get much more than that if I’m honest.
As I said that I developed sex issues when I started hormones. They never truly went away, but honestly that’s because as the years have progressed I have struggled more and more with body image. Yeah I can have sex every now and again, but honestly its a struggle. A lot of people become more sexually active, I was not one of them.
I would talk more about it. And I would like to, but it has been a bitter double edge sword for me. It has brought on my arthritis on sooner than expected, and now its at a point where I am in constant pain. The injections have also been wasting my muscles away and there is talks about either changing sites or moving onto a different brand again.  So yeah, that’s why this post isn’t exactly as informative as it can be. I may revise it further along, when I feel more comfortable.