Sexuality – On reflection

Just after my 30th birthday I made the decision to come out as gay. It had been something that had been waying in on my mind for sometime and eventually I felt it was at that time to do it. 

I suppose looking back on it, it shouldn’t have been as hard as I thought at the time it would be. I had always been attracted to male aligned folks and had always struggled being in relationships with women and woman aligned people. I had battled in my head whether this was just me being misogynistic and that I had a hatred towards femininity, but I realised that no, I just wasn’t physically attracted to women as much as I thought it was. 

I think a huge part of it was that I had some huge internalised bullshit (often brought on by discussions with TERFS) that I was just a self hating lesbian, and that I was forcing myself to be in relationships with men to make myself feel better about it. The truth was, I was forcing myself to identify as bisexual because I thought it might be easier in life and that maybe it might stop the gender feels™.

I spent so long feeling this, that it had become almost a toxic poison consuming my mental health and coming out was in fact a huge fucking relief. 

Then something happened. I started feeling things for one woman in my life. She’s fully aware of this and I have said that I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with her because of how it would make us both feel, how it would fuck me up and how I come with so much bullshit it would not only harm her but also myself to persue something that could go so horribly wrong to a friendship I treasure more than anything. I am a gay agender person and she is not a man or even masculine aligned and has had so much bullshit from the gay community that it would emotionally be awful. 

What the fuck even are feelings and emotions? You get yourself fucking organized in life and then POW something or someone comes along and slaps you right in the goddamn face. If these 30 years have taught me anything it’s that life truly isn’t as predictable as you would hope it would be. I thought I had all this worked out by now, but nahh. 

I suppose the thing is that I do have to give myself a break from time to time and actually focus on what will not only make me happy but other people too that I care about. 

Recent Struggles With My Inner Demons

Recently I have been struggling. I don’t know what it us with the summer but it always gives me the blues.
I think that recently I have noticed that a few of my friends (who are also trans) have been going further on there route to becoming happier within themselves then I have. I know that its a bloody awful waiting system at gender clinics and that my case isn’t a open and shut case , but I’ve just finished another summer stuck in a fucking binder that causes me to over heat. All I want to do is be like every other man out there and be shirtless, and not be stuck with these huge boobs. It depresses me that I have to wear clothes that hide my figure, otherwise I’m called “she” the whole time.
I think I’m finding especially hard because Kai had his chest surgery last year, and he had been a million times happier. He is developing into a hairy happy human, and yes that makes me happy but sometimes it feels really depressing, because I want to also feel like that. I hate being jealous over my own partner, but that’s what it is. I’m jealous that he’s not got what I want to remove.
I think its because I’ve been thinking lots about gender, and gender perception. I have always been taught that its not what you wear or what your body shape is, you are who you are. But who am I? I know I’m Tyler, I’m on the non binary trans masculine side of life, but what else am I ?
I know that in the autumn months I find things easier because I’m not hot all the time and that I can wear layers without dying of heat exhaustion. That and well autumn is the best season.