D – Domestic Abuse

*Content note, contains domestic abuse, violence and discussion about abusive relationships that some people may find uncomfortable to read*

I did a blog post last year about how I ended up in an abusive relationship and how I hate people that lie about it and it exhausted me to write it. As I said at the beginning of the challenge I opened up all the titles up to members in a group I’m in. This was the title that came up and I didn’t want to not do it.
Domestic abuse fucking sucks. And it happens to anyone regardless of gender.

A lot of advertising and media is often directed at straight couples where the male partner is abusive. It is shown that only men can ever be violent, and whilst this is often the case in a lot of abuse cases, ITS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE. This also happens with rape and violent assault too.
There is a taboo about discussing violence towards men. That men that have been violently and/or sexually abused are seen as weak. NO! It’s in our culture to laugh at men for getting emotional support or that they “allowed” themselves to be abused by their partner. They are suddenly not a man. This stops men from reporting people to the police or other organizations, because they are told daily that it’s a joke. We need to start supporting men who have suffered abuse from their partners.

We are also told that queers do not suffer domestic abuse, and that it’s mainly a cis white heterosexual problem. We are often told that we are making it up, or that it never existed. We are sometimes told by people of authority that we deserve it, and that we should be grateful that we are even with someone in the first place.
We are also told that when we are standing up for people who are abused (regardless of gender) that we are “Feminazis” or “SJWs”, implying that trying to stop something as serious as domestic abuse isn’t something we should be fighting against.
No I fight because as a queer man I do not want to see anyone raped like I was, I don’t want people to be violently assaulted and I don’t want people to be in a domestic abusive relationship.
Regardless of political or social stance, it is something we ALL should be fighting against, and not making it into a joke.

Thank you for reading this post, I know it was pretty heavy. If anyone wants to talk about abuse and societies views, please feel free to write in the comments. If you are experiencing this, please try and get help from trusted people, you are never alone

Calling It What It Isn’t.

Recently I have seen a trend in people claiming to be in “abusive” relationships when they haven’t. That they were in fact either in the wring, or so upset with how a relationship has taken place they will just start throwing the word around.
Now this post is not for the people (note how I am not gendering here, it happens regardless of gender) who are actual victims of domestic, (mental and/or physical) violence. This is not aimed at you. Tell your story loud and proud, get all the help you can physically get, get out of the situation. Do anything that will make the situation easier. Please contact who ever you can. But no, this post is for the people who actually lie about it.

Its harmful. Its not only harmful to the person you are falsely accusing, but victims themselves. The real victims have to live through the horror of dealing with it, remembering it, coming home to it. They may have spent months going through hell with the police. They may be dealing with bullying because of it or maybe dealing with death threats from family members or old friends. They may even be using services to get them out. Normally these are also the FIRST people who are normally trying to help someone else who is dealing with that situation.
How do you think they will feel when they find out you are lying. They will feel betrayed again. They will feel frustrated, because they will feel that the system that’s meant to protect them, will break down because of false allegations. They will be reminded once more of hurtful memories that they still to this day will cause flashbacks.

I’m talking from someone who has been abused in a violent manor and someone who has had a person around them lie to them about it.

The person who lied to me was an ex. They said that they were being abused by someone they had been having sex with. It turned out that it had been a total lie.
I’m not going to mention her name. She got married, possibly had a couple of kids by now , and I wish her well on all her endeavours, but she certainly has zero respect from me.
I dedicated a long time listening to them, making sure they were OK, trying to get them to go to groups and find them resources. I did this because when it had happened to me, I felt like I had no support. This was mainly because I shut everyone out. It screwed up my head that I had been betrayed like that. I had felt angry that they had taken up space when real victims, were struggling to get into services.

Now, as I said this is not aimed at people who have experienced abuse. It should never go on, there are no excuses. None! I just get upset that there is a tiny minority that think its acceptable to ruin a persons life because they were unhappy and wanted them to feel bad. I have seen it with friends, and I have said this to many people, always keep a record of communication that happens. Honestly this has helped so many people who have been falsely accused of abuse.

I would like to offer a flip side to this. I also have met people more often then not, that have actually been violent, and claimed innocence. And that is the lowest thing you can do. I have trusted people that I considered close friends, only to find out how bad they actually are. This is where the justice system needs to be improved on. The trial to conviction level is just terrible, and many guilty people have been let free to continue abuse. This needs to change. And it needs to start by teaching people how badly false accusations affect the justice system and how actual victims are treated like dirt by a system that’s meant to support them.

For information please check google for your local resources on getting help with domestic violence. In emergency cases please contact 999/911 or any other emergency numbers. 

A False Assumption Of Abuse

CW – Domestic violence , BDSM , Dom/Sub relationships

I didn’t think in this day and age I would have to say this, but regardless of how you as an an individual see some fetishes… Consenting sexual acts between two or more people (of legal age) does not equal to domestic violence and abuse. I have heard it said so many times from people outside of the BDSM scene, that its beyond a joke. If a sex act isn’t your cup of tea, don’t comment. Just walk away or kindly explain as to why you do not like it. NEVER , EVER, throw out the idea that the individuals in question are in an abusive relationship. Now that’s not so say that there isn’t domestic violence in ANY BDSM relationships, that’s not true. I have heard some horror stories and been in an abusive relationship/s, but the Dom/Sub roles had nothing to do with it. The issues I personally faced was that the partner took limits far, and refused to stop when I said no more. This was abuse.
The thing is, honestly I don’t think I could date anyone who is “vanilla”. With someone who’s a fetishist, you know what they want, straight of the bat (or whip or paddle depending on what you like 😉 ). There is a moment of honesty at the beginning of a relationship where you say your likes and dislikes and you know from the start whether you want to be with that person or not. Now my kinks are in some peoples eyes very “extreme”. I enjoy “knife play” , violation fantasies , tattoos, piercings, I would certainly like to be suspended from hooks at some point. Also I have enjoyed beatings far more than just the average whip and paddle. This is the point where the reader and a few friends that are reading this, realises that I’m the sub. Yes, I’m not the Dom in the relationships, whilst I am a “switch” I know my place and know what makes me happy. I also realise that to someone who isn’t in the scene, this is a terrifying notion, to like something so extreme. But do you know that NONE of these acts that happen to me, in MY EYES are abuse. And here is why.
ITS CONSENTED
ALL OF IT!!!

If a partner/s ever did it without my consent. Then yes, that would be abuse. I consent to what my partners do to me. In fact I am in control throughout any “scenes” or “scenarios” we decide to act out. We use safe words, and if I am unhappy it is stopped, straight away. Please do not say that because my partners beat me in a consensual its abuse. For starters that’s just wrong and a false assumption, and secondly from someone who has been physically abused in relationships, it some how feels like you are invalidating that experience that I had and covering it up with false accusations. It may not seem harmful to you but it does to me. What had happened with previous partners was horrible, it was systematic abuse that I managed to get out of and resolve in my life. What you are doing by “accusing” innocent people, is making it harder to actually talk about my relationships in public. You are also reminding me of times when I was abused when I am with my current partners. And that’s not what I’m honestly wanting at the moment.

I’m just asking that before people open their mouths, because it can actually hurt.