How To Take A Good Dick Pic

Before I start, I’m going to say this. Unsolicited genital pictures are the fucking worst. I don’t care who the fuck you are, if you are sending dick pics to strangers who didn’t want to see them, you are the worst. Nothing is going to make that shit pretty. Just don’t do it.  Also content note – this heavily discusses genitals. If you are uncomfortable with this, please do not read on. 

Now we got that part settled, I’m going to tell you how to take a good dick pic.

Firstly. IT IS NEVER ABOUT THE SIZE. Honestly most of us do not even care about how big your dick is. It’s about how it looks. Do not start panicking if you have a micro penis or Dumbo’s trunk in your pants. It’s all about how you present it. Also do not ever feel pressured to even send a naked picture of yourself. You shouldn’t ever feel forced to do something you do not want to do. Only ever send something if you are 100% OK with it. 

You want to first clear the area around you. Nothing is off putting more than seeing a dirty floor with laundry everywhere. Seriously. It’s distracting. Clear the area. This includes bed sheets and sofas. No one wants to guess the bizarre stain that’s next to your penis. 

Secondly, angles are key. You want it so it’s about a 45° angle with you’d phone tilted to the tip. I’m actually joking. Seriously though, every dick is different, so take many photos from different angles and see what looks interesting and original. 

Thirdly. Put a soft filter on it. EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT WITH A SOFT FILTER. Honestly you could post a turd up and make it loom attractive with the right light and filters. Which reminds me.. Do not use harsh strip lights and bright artificial lights. You don’t want it lit up like a meaty Christmas tree. 

Forthly. Get fucking creative. Do poses that others wouldn’t. Some interesting backgrounds, hell even dye your pubes. You want it to stand out like no other dick pic has. Bonus points if you get a friend to take a dick pic for you. There is no shame in asking for assistance for a great picture. 

Finally, just have fun. There is a huge pressure for us to be perfect all the time and in all honestly what you really need to do is just be yourself and not be a complete douche to the person you are sending them too. Just relax and it will come naturally. 

You’re Drunk Google, Go Home

Last year I gave you a blog post about some of the greatest (and worst) search terms used to find my blog. Well its coming up to half way through 2016 and I thought fuck it. Let me show you some of the highlights I have seen so far.
Now I’m going to content warn this. There is going to be some transphobia being mentioned, some offensive language, obvious pornographic search terms and people who are dicks online searching for shit they shouldn’t. This picture depicting a round that was played on cards against humanity is going to show you where this post is going.

1) The most individually searched term to find me is mature sex. Firstly I was really pleased because I thought “oh, people are looking for discussions on sex in a mature manner. NO! That was not what people were looking for. Here are a couple of screen caps that follow on from that search term.

I’m not even fucking joking. These are a tiny amount of some of the over 60s porn searches people have used to find me.
Now I can guess why this has kind of happened. The beginning of last year I wrote a pretty bad article about a terrible show that was on channel 5 about the over 60s having sex, and at the time I wasn’t very polite about it. I edited it last year and it hasn’t been one of my most visited posts. Then I don’t know what happened, but it started going a little viral this year. Then these searches happened.
I suppose I’m sorry to have disappointed a lot of people who have clicked my site hoping for it to be a porn blog. Google has tricked you. There is no over 60s porn here.
2. How many Cs are there in the word cunt? None just you.
Ok this one, and other variations of spelling wasn’t going to be big news to me. My very first proper review was about the film Legend, and if you do not know it is one of the more famous quotes.
Reason why I’m posting this, well I posted it last year and it got so little movement I nearly binned the review and decided never to review anything again. Then something happened in January and it became (and still is) my most viewed post I have ever had. I get several views every day for this post alone.
Google not only were you not drunk for this post, but I’m impressed that you keep reminding me how much I love Tom Hardy every day 3.


3. I can’t believe that I’m having to write this but my next one is trans women tyler

Now I’m really hoping that either someone has made a mistake or is genuinely looking for where I have written about trans women.
However this search term came up just about the time when my “Dear Cis People” got ripped off by a vile transphobic piece of shit, who went on and on about how transphobia wasn’t a real thing and he could misgender people because he was gay.
The plus side to this is that he linked his vile blog post to mine, and I got a fuck ton of views because of it and a lot of new followers. Cheers. It was almost as great as when the TERFS started drama with me last year and I got lots of views.
4. Most obscure award goes to the search term fun. Yep. The word fun. Google decided that the word fun was going to bring up my blog. If you are the person who searched that and found me, drop me an email. How many searches came up before you found me? Did you find what you were looking for? Drop me a message. And to prove it happened. Here is the screen shot.

5. Is Tyler Charles a good tattoo artist?  I had to Google this one myself. There is a tattoo artist who shares my first and middle name. I don’t know if he’s a good tattoo artist, but I’m getting his traffic. This isn’t the only search term for him I have had.
Tyler if you are UK based (ideally in the south) I’m willing to give you a shout out and a guest post to say sorry for stealing your traffic. In return I ask for a free tattoo. Nothing too big, maybe a couple of stars or a knife.
6. Now this one is one of my favourites. I’m done fucking people quotes. Oh who ever posted this, please please tell me where you were redirected to because I certainly do not have what you are looking for. Did I help you or did once again Google fuck up and not give you what you were looking for?

7. I don’t like it when you drink photos . I’m sorry who ever posted this one because I know for a fact I have never posted anything close to this the whole time I have had this blog. I’m sorry who ever got directed to me.
8. Big black dick. Fuck sake Google. No. There are a million things wrong with you directing this to me and my blog and two of the reasons is because I am white and I do not have a penis. Just fucking stop.
9. Probably one of the saddest search terms used but this is a good one. I helped some certain people and I really regret it. I am sorry to who ever wrote this on Google. I hope that you managed to feel better about your situation. I don’t know whether my blog helped but I hope you are ok. If you follow me, give me a shout to see if you are ok.

Finally, I don’t know whether I have saved the best till last but here it is.
10) Artistic photos of beautiful bi sexual females having sex with each other.  Yes I’m not joking. For starters on not even female, I’m just a male vagina owner. Secondly I do not think I could ever see myself posting artistic pornography on here. Thirdly, why does Google’s bots think I’m a porn blog. I have never stated that I am in the slightest.
Google what the fuck? Why do I get porn searches. Why?

This is only a tiny selection of what has been searched up. You would be surprised, because of privacy settings I am unable to look at about 70% of all my search terms. I will do another post like this in December, maybe make this into something that happens every 6 months.
If you ever do search anything obscure and I pop up, send me a message. You might make it onto the list

PS – Because of this I’ve probably made my searches a whole lot weirder.