The Demonization Of Detransition

Before I start this post. This is not an information piece to be used as leverage against trans people. This is not a blog that agrees with the views of TERFs and it certainly isn’t to push any right wing agenda. This post is to actually bring forth a serious conversation that is scary to talk about but as a trans person it has been something that has come up in my personal life. It’s surprising that I have to actually say that at the beginning of a post, but the moment you mention the word detransition there is a huge panic by the trans community and glee from our oppressors.

Statistically there are so few real cases of people who detransition that there isn’t any direct path way for those who do decide to. You may see a small handful of posts online and a friend might consider it but there actually isn’t this huge collection of trans people out there that do regret transitioning.

But why do people decide to detransition?

There are many factors as to why this is possible. Gender being fluid, feeling worse than what they felt like originally, no money, no support, feeling like they have no ability to “pass” as the gender they are, medical complications… In all honesty there are many MANY reasons why a person would feel like they need to detransition. Very rarely it has anything to do with regret and even rarer has it been because someone has not known what they are doing and have been rushed into it by doctors. This is often though what the media and what the people who oppose trans rights would have you believe. That people are being forced to medically transition without the knowledge and understanding and regretting it later. Trust me, the average time it takes for someone to transition is 10 years. This is the basic pathway and not including extra steps and other pathways you can choose. This all starts off with about a year waiting for your very first gender clinic appointment, seeing counsellors, doctors and therapists before hormones and surgery are even considered. People who do transition are 99% fully aware of what is involved and there is no coercion or forced gender change, so we can put all those ideas to bed now.

Why is it not talked about though?

Because honestly we are scared of this conversation. We are scared that it makes us look bad. For fuck sake I needed to put a disclaimer at the beginning of this because when someone feels they need to detransition, the right wing shit bags and TERFs rub their hands together like they are winning a fight. No you are not winning a fight, it’s just some people do not have the strength to continue and that’s fucking OK.

I’ve been honest before and said that if I had known now what I do about my physical health, I may have partially detransitioned. I wouldn’t have put myself in a situation where a medical menopause affected me that badly. I am slowly getting through it, and what happened to me was so fucking rare it hasn’t even been a thing discussed till recently, but I may have not gone on T. I had until recently not wanted to talk about it because so many people are scared of the idea of people wanting to detransition.

I think it’s time to open a dialogue, a safe one. One that’s only done with trans people and work out how we can protect those who think this needs to be an option for them

Dysphoria Blues

It’s weird because some days I am perfectly fine. I can go weeks and months without hating every inch of my body…

Today is really not one of those days though.

I’ve had my lower surgery pushed back and I know it’s not on purpose and I know that it’s only by a few weeks but it’s just little reminders like this that remind me that I’m not cis and that I need to get rid of something that distresses me so fucking badly.

I know logically that it will be over soon, but in the past couple of weeks I’ve been called she twice and that’s been a fucking kick in the head too. Both were really confused accidents but it’s just something that still cuts me up.

That and Charing Cross have fucked my appointment about also, so I’m just really feeling it lately. Hopefully all of this will just get better really soon.

Mental Health & Disability

Why in the ever growing fuck do I decide to write obscure title ideas into my journal and expect to pull something out of my ass. Why do you do this Tyler, WHY? 

I suppose when I first put this down as an idea it was to talk about the cross over of having both mental health issues and being physically broken. I do say this knowing I’ve actually spent time at home and knowing that whilst I can move a limited distance in my one bedroom flat, going outside is an entirely different thing. I am pretty privileged in the fact that whilst walking anything other than 20 steps is either complete agony or there is a 80% chance something would dislocate I could evacuate on my own legs in case of an emergency. This also doesn’t factor in the chronic fatigue that I suffer though and that’s an entire different ball game altogether or the spinal injury that I have, or even this epilepsy… Fuck me I actually am broken. But there are people in far worse situations than I am in, and I need to be thankful for the small  mercy’s I have been blessed with. 

However life entirely intersectional and my “good” days do not factor in the days where I am experiencing severe mental health issues. I’ve spoken before about living with psychosis and depression but factor in living with it and being trapped in my own body ALL OVER AGAIN and it just manifests into a pit of shit that I can barely get out of. 

Recently I have suffered body dysphoria really really badly, which has been physically kicking my ass. It’s not even about my chest (nearly a year post op now) or even so much my genitals as much but just being in this fucking broken shell at times just feels fucking disheartening. I feel constantly that people will just not find me attractive enough because I’m trans but being wheelchair bound AND trans really limits your options in not only the dating pool but your friendship circles as well. It’s weird, it doesn’t feel a part of me and I don’t know if that is because I’m having dysphoria because I’m trans or just fucking depressed because in order to see people and to function, I NEED to be in my chair. 

It is a constant emotional roller coaster because people are much worse off than I am in many places. They are trapped at home unable to get about or unable to transition and I have the privilege to do both but sometimes it really does just get too much at times. It is physically draining to be human. It’s a full time job that I have had to juggle and I don’t have the physical capacity to deal with everything all at once like I used to. 

The worst part is that people pity me. They pity me for being trans. They pity me for being in my chair, and it is just bullshit. I don’t need pity. What I need, what I really need are three simple things

• Partners that fucking understand me
• Friends that act normal towards me
• Being able to access spaces and not panic because they are not wheelchair accessible 

You would think that these are simple fucking requests but in fact as the time has progressed, I have realised that no, actually they are not. These are just tiny things and honestly it gets to me that every day is a fucking joke. This is the type of shit that makes me depressed and unwell. And it is the same for everyone else in this situation. 

I’m not even going to start mentioning the patronisation or the fact that we are seen less equally than others because that is another goddamn blog post and will last longer than the state of my patience with society. 

If you do have friends, family, loved ones who are in this situation. Please check up on them from time to time. Being disabled actually is a really lonely experience. It is like watching the whole world go by but you are frozen and unable to do a thing. Please respect disabled folk and as my final thing, DO NOT TUT AT THEM BECAUSE ONE DAY YOU MAY END UP LIKE THIS TOO. 

What I Have Learned This Week – 1

Fuck me I am already on the back foot on this weekly post, by posting this exactly a day late, but I am going to actually post this still. So every week I am going to write things I have learned throughout the week, and it will be something I can look back on in the future. 

1) Doing the #365photochallenge is actually quite hard when the past week you have been nothing but a sad mess. However, have today’s photo for this post. 

2) The most bizarre argument I have seen has been involving washi tape. Yes that decorative tape you use to cover paper, card, ect. Turns out you literally can argue about anything on the internet. 

3) Self care does sometimes mean that you have to hurt and leave something you love in order to look after yourself. I know that is fucking cryptic but right now, it’s the best I can give. 

4) Bullet Journalling has become more fun than I thought it would be. I actually enjoy doing it. 

5) National Express can take my electric wheelchair on the coach and I AM SO FUCKING HYPED TO SEE MY MUMMA SOON. If you are a wheelchair user and are concerned whether your chair will fit, please get in contact with them. 

6) Spending time away from some folks has actually been really helpful to my mental health. 
 Tune in next week for another installment of what I have learned this week 

E – Emptiness

*Content warning – some of the content written may be upsetting for some readers. Contains talk about death, miscarriage and abuse*

When you spend ages trying to put of writing something, you know there is often a good reason for it. When this word came up, I almost decided to throw in the towel and not do this. But I’m here and I’m talking about emptiness.
There have been many points that I have felt like there is nothing inside of me, that I’m just hollow and nothing can fill the void that’s there. It doesn’t help that I suffer from poor mental health, if you have read some of my other posts outside this challenge, I have spoken about my battle with bipolar and clinical depression. I have also spoken very publicly about being in a relationship with a partner who was abusive. Which I suppose brings me to the first point of feeling empty.
When you go through abuse, you feel like you are the only person in the world that feels like its happening to them. You feel like no one is going to believe you and that you are the reason why its happening. Its nothing but both internal and external bullshit around you and it takes a lot to get out of the cycle, in one piece. It took me a long time to get back to the person I was.

I have felt emptiness on other occasions. I have lost several people in my life, and it’s ripped my heart out. I have also suffered multiple miscarriages because my body has just not allowed a fetus to develop. They have all been at very early stages, but it still fucked my head up each time it happened. I would feel just dead inside, hollow, that there was nothing there. Now at the time, it nearly killed me being unable to bring a pregnancy to full term, and I used to think the phrase “everything happens for a reason” was utter bullshit. Then life changed.

I came out and I realised that if I hadn’t had everything happen to me, that I hadn’t felt this empty void in my life, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I had come out because I realised that I needed to sort my shit out and stop running away and pretending that what was going on inside wasn’t going to kill me if I didn’t resolve it.
As I worked on my treatment for gender reassignment, I started looking at all the other issues I had and started going into recovery. Whilst I am still very unwell at times, I have been able to function better and find better coping skills.
The emptiness that is there is slowly getting filled with other things in my life. One day it will all get better

Thank you for reading this. Please feel free to comment about this post. The next post is F.

Queer Dating – Part Seven – Love Yourself, If You Can

We are told from childhood to growing up,  that part of succeeding in life is to commit to one partner, bash out a few kids and eventually loose your mind before you die. What happens if you don’t want that? What is so wrong about staying single, that so many people are scared of dying alone? What if you are happy just being you?

We are told often by peers, by society, by the world that loving ourselves is fucking selfish. That it makes you vain and undesirable. Do you know what I say to that? FUCK OFF. We are allowed to love ourselves.
We often put our own feelings behind others and whilst it can make us feel better, we need to take time to look after ourselves. I know for some people that they are unable to love themselves, or that they choose to put others before there own needs AND THAT IS ALSO OK!!! As long as you are doing what makes you happy, you do it. I’m here spouting on about how you should love yourself and that relationships are not the be all and end all. I don’t even follow my own advice at times. Hell most of the time I hate myself, hate my body and would rather attempt suicide again then talk about self care. Do you know what a huge part of self care is? Knowing your own limitations, and if you cannot love yourself, a partner or even family, IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU A FAILURE. It makes you human, and you are allowed to feel however you want to feel without people judging you.

Whilst I am dating two beautiful people, I am fully aware that I also need to spend time with myself. A plus side of me being an insomniac is that I have night times to myself. I am able to blog (its 3:39am right now and I’m here) and I’m able to process feelings without complications or having to communicate with others.
It has taken a very long time for me to get it into my head that I am entitled to have time to myself. I felt originally that I wasn’t allowed to enjoy my own company and that it was wrong. Its amazing how things like that get engrained into your brain so easily. It also takes a very long time to drop the guilt in your head when you realise you NEED time to yourself.
So why is this in the “Queer Dating” segment I hear you ask? If you think I’m filling up gaps and running out of ideas you would be wrong. Sometimes dating isn’t about the other partners, the build up, the sex. Sometimes its about YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT. Its about dating yourself at times. And its something we all do not do enough!

So how do you date yourself? Well the simple answer is what do you like doing? Personally for me, nothing says romantic night for one quite like a curry for two (of which I will eat all of it) a good movie, a bubble bath or lush bomb bath and possibly find some good porn and explore myself.
*** MOTHER IF YOU ARE READING THIS I AM SORRY ***
There is still shame in society (especially with women and trans people) that masterbation is a sinful act and its gross. It is not (unless of course you don’t actually like it). Wanking is stress relieving, achieving orgasm can relax you, send you to sleep, cheer you up and it feels fucking good.
Honestly if you can, give yourself one evening/afternoon/morning a week where you can spend time with yourself and be intimate. If you are uncomfortable about using your hands (or physically unable to) there are wonderful toys out there. From bullets, to pocket pussies, to rampant rabbits. There is 1000s of different toys out there designed to aid in self love.
Masterbation also helps you find what you also like and don’t like when it comes to your body, and helps you explore your own sexuality without judgement or explanation. Personally I prefer it to anonymous hook ups purely because I don’t have to explain to someone what I do and don’t like. I also enjoy using toys often and have quite a collection depending on my mood. I enjoy butt stuff and I also enjoy vaginal, and when I’m with lovers (who are not trans aware) I am suddenly demasculinized because of that. I’ve always said that my genitals have never been an issue to me, because I always see my cunt as a “mans cunt” but with lovers, as opposed to myself, my sexuality and gender have been challenged in ways I do not like.

Dating yourself can be tough. You may feel like you do not deserve it. You may feel like its a stupid thing to do, and that it wouldn’t help you in the slightest. It might not, I do not know you or your life. I would like it though that everyone out there could take some time, (be it 5 minutes or several weeks) to think about what makes you as an individual happy. Build yourself up, start doing small things like buying that coffee cake you really fancy, and work your way up to having a weekend to yourself, stuck in your lounge pants watching terrible movies.
I’m not saying its easy, but sometimes you just need to love yourself before you can let anyone else in, and everyone deserves love, even if its just from yourself.

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental health day and I thought I would do a post about it. Before I start though, I would like give you readers a warning as to its content. Its going to mention depression, self harm, bipolar, graphic description of suicide, being trans, abuse and rape. If you are unable to cope with the subject matter, please please do not read this. Self care is important, and if you are concerned about your health please seek advice from people you trust.

Flustered Beyond My Own Control.

I don’t even know why I am writing this. Maybe to actually use this as the space it was intended for, I don’t know.
I’ve been stuck in this dilemma of trying to work out whether I’m actually sick at the moment or that the stuff that’s actually going on around me is actually happening. Honestly, if it wasn’t for a few people right now I don’t know what I would actually do. They have been the ones telling me that all this stuff is real and isn’t going on inside my head. Maybe it would be best if it was. I mean, at least I would know that there wouldn’t be people stirring shit. That people who are being fucked over by services were being helped as opposed to being told to shut up. That the community I had once loved had deep down been nothing more than a two faced piece of shit that was too cowardice to say anything in fear of finding out the truth. I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Its not like it will help situations, as we all know my mouth has a tendency to get me into a lot of trouble. Something I’ve been told about one too many times. Maybe because I’m sick and tired of everything being unjust. Maybe its because there is a pain going on in my head that needs to be resolved. That bullshit rumours come out and remind me of shit that’s happened for real. Maybe for once, I kept quiet for so long trying to make thongs perfect that I finally saw the truth in people and it made me snap. I don’t know, but what I do know is that I need to resolve one thing or another. I don’t want to see my world crumble by people who treat others so poorly. I don’t want to be dragged into petty bullshit and squabbles that should be dealt with in school yards and not in adult spaces. Maybe i should just get the fuck out of this world. I don’t know.

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Ten things I’m thankful for – 3

Its come to that point in the week where I talk about the things I am grateful for. So here it is

1 – Steph and Kai – I have been a miserable fucker the past couple of weeks and they have had to put up with that. They both put up with so much with me and I’m always appreciating them being around.

2 – National express fun fares – because going to Aberdeen would be so much more expensive.

3- Painkillers – recently I have been in quite a substantial amount of pain, and I have been struggling to deal with life. They haven’t been working as well as they could do, but it helps a little bit.

4 – Insight – Recently things have been quite tough, and someone I considered to be a friend, ended up being a huge cunt. I had previously said that I wish them well in all there endeavors, and I didn’t want to stoop low and cause drama. But honestly now, I hope people actually see them for what they are really are.

5 – Family – By the time I have written my next ten things I’m thankful for , I will be in Aberdeen seeing my wonderful family. I’m really fucking excited to see them, I haven’t seen them since June. So you can expect I will be posting about my time up there 🙂

6 – FTMB committee – Again, I cannot stress enough how wonderful Charlie and Ed are. I have never met people just as crazy and cat obsessed as I am. I’m also grateful that they understand what I’m going through at the moment and get that its been stressing me out.

7 – The Internet – I’m glad that there are sites like this, where I can vent out my frustration on a platform that’s easy to maintain.

8 – Friends – They have been amazing recently, and they totally understand my crazy behaviour. Also they know when I just need to be alone, and when I’m stressed.

9 – Aldi – Following on from my previous post. 49p for a bread mix that tastes AMAZING.

10 – Being able to actually communicate – I know there are people out there who struggle talking to people and I am lucky that I am able to do that, and express when I am feeling low or happy

Recent Struggles With My Inner Demons

Recently I have been struggling. I don’t know what it us with the summer but it always gives me the blues.
I think that recently I have noticed that a few of my friends (who are also trans) have been going further on there route to becoming happier within themselves then I have. I know that its a bloody awful waiting system at gender clinics and that my case isn’t a open and shut case , but I’ve just finished another summer stuck in a fucking binder that causes me to over heat. All I want to do is be like every other man out there and be shirtless, and not be stuck with these huge boobs. It depresses me that I have to wear clothes that hide my figure, otherwise I’m called “she” the whole time.
I think I’m finding especially hard because Kai had his chest surgery last year, and he had been a million times happier. He is developing into a hairy happy human, and yes that makes me happy but sometimes it feels really depressing, because I want to also feel like that. I hate being jealous over my own partner, but that’s what it is. I’m jealous that he’s not got what I want to remove.
I think its because I’ve been thinking lots about gender, and gender perception. I have always been taught that its not what you wear or what your body shape is, you are who you are. But who am I? I know I’m Tyler, I’m on the non binary trans masculine side of life, but what else am I ?
I know that in the autumn months I find things easier because I’m not hot all the time and that I can wear layers without dying of heat exhaustion. That and well autumn is the best season.