I don’t remember if I have properly spoken about how I’m a recovering drug addict, but I had spoken before publicly about it.
I used to be addicted to heroin and crack cocaine. I haven’t used heroin since I was 18/19 and haven’t used crack since I was 21. I know now that I don’t have an issue with crack cocaine now but I know I will always have an issue with heroin. I could never just use heroin without wanting to do it again and again.
I try not to romanticise drug use, but heroin was a warm blanket knitted by god themselves. I felt no pain, no sadness, only calm. This is why I could never touch it again. I am still in love with the drug, and I feel as if I will always have an attachment to it.
Crack was different. It gave me confidence. Something I never had all those years ago. I used to be a huge push over and would gavepeople walk all over me. Crack stopped that from happening. It was fun. But I know I never had the same relationship I had with it, as I did with heroin. The last time I tried crack was a few years ago, and after I was on it, the next day I didn’t have the cravings I used to have. It was the point in my life that I knew I no longer had a problem with it. To that day, I still haven’t touched crack.
You see, being queer and drugs go hand in hand with each other. It’s an escape route for a lot of people. Drug addiction is really common in the LGBT community for this reason. When you have so many people telling you that you are wrong or gross, you want to escape all that bullshit.
I can be totally honest and say that I was a “trash can junkie”. I didnt give a fuck what drugs I could get my hands on, I just wanted to escape my feelings and pretend that being queer wasn’t a problem for me. I wanted to be normal, just like everyone else, and the one thing we all had in common was that we all loved our drugs.
Now it’s totally different. I would be lying if I said that I never touched drugs again. Fuck that. Every now and again I will take mkat, or maybe a couple of lines of coke or some MDMA. But the reasons now are totally different. I take these because I want to take them. And not because I have to escape from my problems. I want to have a good evening, chat bollocks and make friends, not pretend that I’m not queer.
I will always have a relationship with drugs, but I want it on my terms now, and not because I have to.