Performative Bullshit

Do you know what really grinds my gears? Performative Allies. I’ve got to a point now in my life where I’m just sick and tired of having to hand hold cis people and able bodied people to just do the most basic of things and I’m tired of them needing the goddamn cookies all the time.

OK, I just want to tell you all this. EVERY TRANS PERSON IS TIRED OF HAND HOLDING CIS PEOPLE!! We may act nice and polite but that’s because we know for a fucking fact that you will throw it in our face if we show frustration. Trust me, you can Google that gender question you might have, and no we probably don’t know your friend that’s transitioning but you are misgendering them through each painful comment you are stating about them. No we don’t need you to comment about how we should be passing and no, your comments about pronouns are just not needed when they have been explained to you 50 million times. We are tired of your little micro aggressions, like telling us we will get treated better when we are nice and polite. We shouldn’t have to confirm to the ideals of passing to be treated like a human being, and stop comparing trans people to drag culture.

Like actually fucking stop that shit

I’m being fucking serious

Being at the Phillip Starr community tent and seeing the portraits of trans people working, right next to drag queens was a fine fucking example of alliship gone fucking wrong. TRANS PEOPLE ARE NOT DRAG PERFORMERS. STOP PUTTING US IN THE SAME CATEGORY. You can be cis and do drag, you can be trans and do drag but they are not the same fucking thing, and to put cis drag queens next to trans women, you are (all be if unintentional) implying that their presentation is just a performance and not their actual life. It might not have been on purpose and I hope that next year more consideration towards trans people will happen.

I’m not even going to get into the disaster that was even the terrible rubber matting that was used as a “ramp” that caused injury during community day and I’m certainly not going to go into the fact that a member of the public had to assist me with the matting on the grass because IT WASN’T EVEN ACCESSIBLE. LIKE COME ON, ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIRS AND MUD DON’T MIX BUT YOU KNOW, WHATEVER. I am going to add though that apart from that , community day was amazing, if was lovely to see so many people and I really hope lunch positive got a lot of money for the work they did on that day and the prep day a few days previously.

Everyone acts like they do everything in their fucking power to help disabled people, but Brighton fucking sucks if you are disabled and honestly no one actually does make things easier for us to just get about in our day to day lives. We don’t want fucking parties run in our honour and we don’t want fucking perks. We want venues to be accessible, we want to be treated with respect and we don’t want companies saying they will help us and when the cookies dry up, you then forget that we fucking exist.

Maybe actually help your disabled friends when they need it. For examples STOP GOING TO VENUES WE CAN’T GET INTO. Do you know how shit it is for us to see you all go to venues with zero access for disabled people, or for that matter, friends going to venues where the staff are problematic and cause pain?? Yeah, we know that there are loads of you that STILL go to venues that have ablist, transphobic, racist and anti Semitic staff members. You don’t think we don’t notice this shit. You then come to us saying “oh we want to help” but don’t do anything. Here is something you can do.. STOP SPENDING MONEY IN SHIT VENUES. And I’m saying this especially to my LGBT friends, cause you do this shit more than the cis hets. Your performative bullshit is just as fucking annoying, if not more so because we fucking expect better from you. STOP GOING TO PLACES THAT ARE FULL OF SHIT HEADS!!

I know I sound like a huge party pooper but Jesus fucking Christ this has become fucking frustrating. You are literally giving money to things that cause us pain, and that means there is nothing going to the places and things that actually support us as trans and disabled people. Actually support trans and disabled business. And not just do it for the fucking cookies but for us to actually improve our lives.

Give us a fucking platform worth having and pay us for our labour or fuck off .. We are done with your bullshit, no more free cookies till you help us!!!

Just Fucking Stop, Ok?!

CN – This post contains discussion on racism, racist language, racist behaviour and mentions violent treatment towards people of colour.

Review – Mercutio loves Romeo

Content note: Transphobia, I’m sorry.

Queer Dating – Part Two – The Internet And Personal Kinks

Thank you for coming back for the second installment of “queer dating”. I originally had nothing planned to start the next segment but sometimes inspiration punches you on the face at the most awkward of moments. Again, this post is going to be NSFW so I advise caution when reading this.

Halloween Is Upon Us Once Again.

Its that time of year where we all go and dress up as our favourite ghosts and monsters, our fears and our loves.
It is also the time of year that I used to love as a child. The dressing up, the laughter, the candy. Oh god, the candy, my sweet tooth has never enjoyed so much candy, as when it has at Halloween. This post isn’t however about candy. Its about costumes.

There has become almost a tradition in society to allow racist, trans phobic and just inappropriate costumes to be made especially for this time of the year. And its some how allowed because its in humour.
I am going to speak now on the whole Bruce/Caitlin Jenner costume that has come out this year. Whilst impersonating celebrities has happened since the dawn of time (and often with funny as fuck results) the costume is aimed for cis men, as a way to “drag up” and make fun of transgender women. Some people may think that this is totally acceptable, and if you do, even after this post, you are part of the problem.
You see, if it was just a costume or cos play aimed at everyone to wear to just imitate a celebrity, it would be a beautiful thing. Many hours of make up, expensive dresses and fabulous vanity fair looking photos would be taken. HOWEVER THIS IS NOT THE CASE. What the costume is, and I apologise for my language right now, the costume is nothing more than a piece of fucking shit with a sash saying “Call me Caitlin”, with what looks like a drunk cis man posing stupidly.
For starters, they could have used a woman. Since, that’s how she identifies, secondly for an extra few pounds more you can buy the Bruce Jenner Olympic outfit ” To make your evening complete”

The sad thing is, is that this isn’t even going to affect Caitlin as much as you might think. The people who it will affect are trans women on poverty lines, street workers, women who regularly get abused on a daily basis because they are not “passing”. The fact they chose a man to showcase the costume shows that they never considered that (though they did consider that his dick might be too small, and packed him with extra stuffing for the costume).
When trans people try and explain that its not a joke, and that we need to stop this, they are told that they need to lighten up. That they are being far too sensitive. That they need to take a joke. The fact is, its not a joke. TRANSGENDER PEOPLE ARE BEING MURDERED BECAUSE THEY ARE TRANS! Jokes like this, are constant reminders that the world doesn’t see us for who we really are, and that we are nothing more than a breathing punchline.

ONE COMPANY WENT A STEP FURTHER. Let me introduce you to the MENS (ITS LABELED AS MENS) costume, “Tranny Granny”

I think I do not even need to explain how this is inappropriate. I think as soon as cis people use the word tranny, it speaks for itself.

This year, when you wear your outfit out, please ask yourself whether it would be offensive towards people. Whether the humour your projecting is hurting people we actually need to protect. I’m even going to extend this to not just Halloween but to general cosplay too. I have noticed a rapid increase of white people “blacking” up for a costume. You do not need to do that to make you a “better” cosplay. If you think that being racist is going to help you, it isn’t. Its just going to make you look like a racist dick.

So this year, maybe celebrate Halloween by getting a costume for fitting for the evening. Like a vampire, or a ghost. Halloween is all about the spooks people, and not an excuse to get away with being a dick. Unless that’s your actual costume, in which case, good luck with your costume.

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Dear Cis People.

*****
Now before I start I know a few people are going to say stuff like this:
“NOT ALL CIS PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS”
“STOP SAYING THAT WE ARE ALL THE SAME”
“WHY LABEL US LIKE THAT, WE ARE ALL THE SAME”. (My favourite)
Just stop. If you are my actual friend, chances are, this post is NOT about you. You can skip this if you want to. This post isn’t about the people who actually listen to trans people and educate  themselves without offending. This post is about the people who actually don’t understand why its so hard for us sometimes. I know some of my friends have even asked some of these questions, and I have been totally OK to answer them. But its about context and the way its been addressed to me.
I shit you not , my sex life was brought up at a Christmas dinner in front of my family and that was totally uncool. That is an example of how things shouldn’t be addressed to me.
*****

I never thought I would be the type of trans person to start a post like this, but it has come to my attention that being trans regardless of where I am, causes some sort of issue regardless of who I’m with. So here are a few pointers / things that have been said, and I’m going to try and explain things in the easiest way possible. These have been things that have legitimately been said to me in regards to my transition. This may bring up a few triggers to some people, and I apologise. This contains “subtle” transphobic comments , transphobia and comments that might be upsetting.

1.” You were so pretty as a girl”

Why thank you for complimenting me. Thank you also for telling me how wonderful you think I looked when I was my most unhappiest. As much as you think that this is a compliment, please don’t. It screams “You were once attractive, why would you do this”. My transition has nothing to do with what my exterior previously looked like. It was merely a shell that I was trapped in.  It also implies to someone that they are not as attractive as what they once were. No one wants to hear that, regardless of whether you are trans or not. Whether I was more or less attractive pre transition, its still MY transition. And I am far more comfortable and happy now, then what I was several years ago.

2. “Why are you wanting to be male?”

Wanting? WANTING? Things I want for. A nice house, a cure for cancer, my family to be happy. There is no wanting in my gender. I AM MALE, what I want, is for my tits to be cut off, so I don’t have people calling me “she”. How can I want something I already am?

3. “How do you expect to be taken seriously when you look like that”

Well, because how I dress, what colour my hair is, my expression, IS MY CHOICE AND NOT YOURS. If I based everything solely in appearance, the world would be entirely weird. The only thing I do not have a choice on, is my top surgery. I’m still waiting, and I’m looking forward to that day. So what if I dye my hair pink (though its blue right now), it doesn’t make me any less male. So what if I wear eyeliner, most male punks/goths wear eyeliner. So what if I paint my nails, again see the previous comment MOST MALE PUNKS AND GOTHS DO IT. Just because I was “once female” , doesn’t mean I should stop doing things I enjoy. I also enjoy cooking, should I stop doing that?

4. “So when are you going to get the surgery?”

How long is a piece of string? Also what surgery are you talking about, because there are several different types. Also you are assuming that I’m going to want all surgery’s. Now I must admit that there was a time where I wanted a penis. I would have gone under the knife in a millisecond without hesitation. But then I saw the risks. When you see so many of your friends struggle with lower surgery, see how so many mistakes were happening, it does put you off. Now if there was less risks and more research, I will certainly reconsider my options, but in all honesty. I’m ok with not getting it done. I’ve already said how I want chest surgery done. I don’t think I could honestly manage living my live with something so large and visible on me for the rest of my life. Where as I don’t honestly expect for everyone to notice my genitals, since they are normally contained in my pants.

5. “So are you going to be liking boys or girls now?”

Ok, I know that this is hard to understand, but sexuality and gender are TWO SEPARATE THINGS. Before I came out I was bisexual, I am still bisexual. I haven’t suddenly decided I’m going to “pick a side” now I’m male.

6. “So how do you have sex?”

Well, first we make a cake. A great big fucking cake, with icing. Then we worship to the cake and pie gods, and then we proceed to poke our belly buttons till we think we have had enough.

7. “Your only doing this for attention”

Well if I wanted attention, I don’t think I would go through all the effort to loose friends, make my mum say that there are two sons now, want life changing surgery, shove needles in my are every 10 weeks and deal with  the social awkwardness that comes with being trans.

8. “You can’t be male, your DNA wont change, it will still say female, and you will have to always tell the hospitals that you are female, because they will give you the wrong medication other wise”

Here is what’s wrong with that statement. There are billions of people in the world, there are also millions of people who’s DNA DOES NOT match up with their body’s. There is also more than the standard XX /XY chromosomes. Also as a side note, 1 in 1000 people who are born have some signs of being intersex. WHICH INCLUDES, GUESS WHAT, DIFFERENT CHROMOSOMES. Hell, have you even had yours tested? Does it match up?
Secondly, medication is done by body mass, height, ect. Most medication is in fact for everyone to use. And if a Dr tries to give me a prostate exam. I will state that its not required.
*I am going to side note this though, please keep up to date with prostate exams, cervical screening ect, the drs might not send out letters, but you do need this checked. Go to a medical practitioner you trust or there are also lots of lgbt clinics you can go to without having to publicly out yourself*

9. “People need to know what you are though”

What am I ? Human. What I am doesn’t define me. When I actually go out to date people (and trust me, if you have said that, your probably not one of them) I normally date in the queer community, and that’s because there is no need for me to out myself. There is no expectation, and also my genitals are not the main topic.

10. “I bet your parents don’t actually approve, they are just saying they are to make you happy”

Now, OK this is a two part answer. My father (ewww I’m mentioning him on here) has no decisions in my life. He pissed that up the wall well before I came out. His opinion means fuck all to me. As for the second part. Have you met my mum? Have you asked her about my transition? Because I have, friends have and so has Kai. And do you know what she says. She has never been so happy for me, because for 25 years I was a miserable cunt, with no life. She has defended me, been there like no other person has and if there was ever an issue, we talk about it. Hell she’s even injected me with my hormones. So before you judge my family by your expectations, you might want to ask them what they actually think.

Thank you for reading this. I know its been a huge rant of things. But if I can show one person how some questions actually affect us, and they learn from that, my job is done.