Queer Dating – Part Nine – When Its All Over

Over the past few months we have covered the basics of being in a relationship. But what happens when its all over? What happens then?
Sometimes things don’t work out with someone and that’s perfectly fine. You could have been with them for days, weeks or even years and the spark may not be there or things have fucked up for a reason. What you do is entirely up to you, and everyone takes a relationship break up differently. Its a learning curve.

Firstly, just because this relationship ended, doesn’t mean you are unlovable. Sometimes you might sink into depression and yes it is OK to feel shit about a break up. In the past 4 years I’ve had two break ups. The first being with someone I was with since I was 17, the second was with someone I was with for a few months. I felt shit with both of them, I can be totally honest about that. The difference (excluding the gender of both of them) was how they ended.
With the person who I was with for 6 months it was totally out of the blue after she hadn’t messaged me for a couple of weeks (I was letting her settle into uni, and letting her get into a routine). It was via text message whilst I was on my way to visit my family. Honestly it punched me in the fucking throat and it took a long time (surprisingly) to grieve over the relationship. I stupidly even attempted to jump off a bridge at this point of my life, so it wasn’t helping my mental health. I can see why she did it, to her studying and uni WAS the most important thing, and I have total respect for her for that. Other stuff after the break up happened, and because I’m not going to use this to spout negative bullshit about her, let’s just say we are no longer friends. Which in a good way actually helped finally get over her.

Top, with My ex, at 17/18 , Bottom, with Kai a few months ago

The other relationship was totally different. I was with him for years. YEARS!!! We finally ended it in 2012 when I came out as trans, and whilst he is bisexual (very selectively though, he has a lot of mistrust issues towards men) it wouldn’t have worked because of issues he still would have to face with family. He was my husband and best friend and it was fucking sad. When we broke up we both realised that we were actually better as best friends, and we both moved on, as you know. If it wasn’t for that chapter closing, I would never have met Kai or Steph, I wouldn’t have met all my friends that I have and I certainly wouldn’t have done this blog. We are still close friends (though Mr Newbury you should fucking message more often) and I’m happy that he’s also found love (though I did fix him up with his partner). 

Sometimes break ups are the best things. Sometimes you need to move on or get out of the relationship and that’s OK. Nothing is ever permanent, and its OK to feel differently.
Sometimes you NEED to break up because of abuse/violence/rape and you are entitled to feel shit about it. It is never a good thing. Sometimes people can carry the mental scars of abuse for a lifetime. This doesn’t make you week or worthless. It makes you strong because you are still alive, your heart is still beating and you are living. You may feel like you might want to not date for a very long time and that is also perfectly fine. If you were the partner that was abusive. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. You should not hurt people you love. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and I carry the scars. Its hell.

Every break up, just like every relationship, is different. There is never an actual set answer to deal with it. The only tip I can give you is this.

Look after yourself, try and remember all the great qualities you have as a person and try not to get swamped in the negative stuff.

Keep your chin up, things will get better.

Break Ups Are Always Hard To Deal With

This isn’t even my break up. Its my partner, but not even my break up

By now you should know that I am in a poly relationship, and this has meant that we (Kai and I) are able to be with other people that are not just us.
I got Kai with someone a couple of months ago, and I thought they would be compatible to each other. He had been in one other poly relationship previous, and had stated that he wasn’t going to be clingy or needy, and understood that time needs to be shared, and it was a bit of a nightmare recently scheduling time because of Kai’s new job. This would be eventually resolved but times right now are a bit hard.
They broke up. Now its not my place to discuss why or to even run my mouth of about either party. I’m not a total bitch. I however am seeing it from someone that I love having to deal with this.
Its tough. You have to wake up in the morning, and notice that your routine is now different, that your partner might be feeling rejected. They might want to talk about how they are feeling, and how pissed off they are over it. And that’s OK, you just sit and listen to them. At the end of the day they need to to be there for them.
I know he’s struggling with the rejection at the moment, and that’s OK. And I hope that the situation resolves itself. Until then all I can do is sit and listen till he feels ready.