Now before I start I know a few people are going to say stuff like this:
“NOT ALL CIS PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS”
“STOP SAYING THAT WE ARE ALL THE SAME”
“WHY LABEL US LIKE THAT, WE ARE ALL THE SAME”. (My favourite)
Just stop. If you are my actual friend, chances are, this post is NOT about you. You can skip this if you want to. This post isn’t about the people who actually listen to trans people and educate themselves without offending. This post is about the people who actually don’t understand why its so hard for us sometimes. I know some of my friends have even asked some of these questions, and I have been totally OK to answer them. But its about context and the way its been addressed to me.
I shit you not , my sex life was brought up at a Christmas dinner in front of my family and that was totally uncool. That is an example of how things shouldn’t be addressed to me.
I never thought I would be the type of trans person to start a post like this, but it has come to my attention that being trans regardless of where I am, causes some sort of issue regardless of who I’m with. So here are a few pointers / things that have been said, and I’m going to try and explain things in the easiest way possible. These have been things that have legitimately been said to me in regards to my transition. This may bring up a few triggers to some people, and I apologise. This contains “subtle” transphobic comments , transphobia and comments that might be upsetting.
1.” You were so pretty as a girl”
Why thank you for complimenting me. Thank you also for telling me how wonderful you think I looked when I was my most unhappiest. As much as you think that this is a compliment, please don’t. It screams “You were once attractive, why would you do this”. My transition has nothing to do with what my exterior previously looked like. It was merely a shell that I was trapped in. It also implies to someone that they are not as attractive as what they once were. No one wants to hear that, regardless of whether you are trans or not. Whether I was more or less attractive pre transition, its still MY transition. And I am far more comfortable and happy now, then what I was several years ago.
2. “Why are you wanting to be male?”
Wanting? WANTING? Things I want for. A nice house, a cure for cancer, my family to be happy. There is no wanting in my gender. I AM MALE, what I want, is for my tits to be cut off, so I don’t have people calling me “she”. How can I want something I already am?
3. “How do you expect to be taken seriously when you look like that”
Well, because how I dress, what colour my hair is, my expression, IS MY CHOICE AND NOT YOURS. If I based everything solely in appearance, the world would be entirely weird. The only thing I do not have a choice on, is my top surgery. I’m still waiting, and I’m looking forward to that day. So what if I dye my hair pink (though its blue right now), it doesn’t make me any less male. So what if I wear eyeliner, most male punks/goths wear eyeliner. So what if I paint my nails, again see the previous comment MOST MALE PUNKS AND GOTHS DO IT. Just because I was “once female” , doesn’t mean I should stop doing things I enjoy. I also enjoy cooking, should I stop doing that?
4. “So when are you going to get the surgery?”
How long is a piece of string? Also what surgery are you talking about, because there are several different types. Also you are assuming that I’m going to want all surgery’s. Now I must admit that there was a time where I wanted a penis. I would have gone under the knife in a millisecond without hesitation. But then I saw the risks. When you see so many of your friends struggle with lower surgery, see how so many mistakes were happening, it does put you off. Now if there was less risks and more research, I will certainly reconsider my options, but in all honesty. I’m ok with not getting it done. I’ve already said how I want chest surgery done. I don’t think I could honestly manage living my live with something so large and visible on me for the rest of my life. Where as I don’t honestly expect for everyone to notice my genitals, since they are normally contained in my pants.
5. “So are you going to be liking boys or girls now?”
Ok, I know that this is hard to understand, but sexuality and gender are TWO SEPARATE THINGS. Before I came out I was bisexual, I am still bisexual. I haven’t suddenly decided I’m going to “pick a side” now I’m male.
6. “So how do you have sex?”
Well, first we make a cake. A great big fucking cake, with icing. Then we worship to the cake and pie gods, and then we proceed to poke our belly buttons till we think we have had enough.
7. “Your only doing this for attention”
Well if I wanted attention, I don’t think I would go through all the effort to loose friends, make my mum say that there are two sons now, want life changing surgery, shove needles in my are every 10 weeks and deal with the social awkwardness that comes with being trans.
8. “You can’t be male, your DNA wont change, it will still say female, and you will have to always tell the hospitals that you are female, because they will give you the wrong medication other wise”
Here is what’s wrong with that statement. There are billions of people in the world, there are also millions of people who’s DNA DOES NOT match up with their body’s. There is also more than the standard XX /XY chromosomes. Also as a side note, 1 in 1000 people who are born have some signs of being intersex. WHICH INCLUDES, GUESS WHAT, DIFFERENT CHROMOSOMES. Hell, have you even had yours tested? Does it match up?
Secondly, medication is done by body mass, height, ect. Most medication is in fact for everyone to use. And if a Dr tries to give me a prostate exam. I will state that its not required.
*I am going to side note this though, please keep up to date with prostate exams, cervical screening ect, the drs might not send out letters, but you do need this checked. Go to a medical practitioner you trust or there are also lots of lgbt clinics you can go to without having to publicly out yourself*
9. “People need to know what you are though”
What am I ? Human. What I am doesn’t define me. When I actually go out to date people (and trust me, if you have said that, your probably not one of them) I normally date in the queer community, and that’s because there is no need for me to out myself. There is no expectation, and also my genitals are not the main topic.
10. “I bet your parents don’t actually approve, they are just saying they are to make you happy”
Now, OK this is a two part answer. My father (ewww I’m mentioning him on here) has no decisions in my life. He pissed that up the wall well before I came out. His opinion means fuck all to me. As for the second part. Have you met my mum? Have you asked her about my transition? Because I have, friends have and so has Kai. And do you know what she says. She has never been so happy for me, because for 25 years I was a miserable cunt, with no life. She has defended me, been there like no other person has and if there was ever an issue, we talk about it. Hell she’s even injected me with my hormones. So before you judge my family by your expectations, you might want to ask them what they actually think.
Thank you for reading this. I know its been a huge rant of things. But if I can show one person how some questions actually affect us, and they learn from that, my job is done.