Bisexuality – Why Not Both (Or All In My Case)

“So are you gay or straight?” Words uttered to me on what would seem like a daily basis to me. “Do you prefer men or women?” Like there is no other choice in this world (and erasing non binary identities at the same time) “No one really is bi, they just haven’t decided yet?!” Because I’m forced to decide where I need to be on the great sexuality spectrum. 

Christopher Biggins has finally pointed out the great elephant in the room. Gay men can be just as biphobic and queerphobic as straight people can be. For years we have been saying that most of our abuse  actually stems from the lesbian and gay community and no one believed us till the summer of 2016 when Biggins walked into the big brother house and was vile against the bi community. For everyone who thought he was kicked out because of these comments, he wasn’t. He was kicked out for being antisemitic. Whilst I’m glad he was kicked out for it, he should have been removed days previously.

Now this isn’t just about him. The world is filled with people claiming that bisexuality isn’t real. That you can’t just love who you want to, regardless of gender presentation or connection. We are only “legitimate” in prides and parades if we have someone that “appears” to be the same sex (shudders) as us. We are told that if we have a partner of a different gender that we are not part of the LGBT community.

 Guess what? What do you think the B actually stands for? Bigoted? Bullshit? No its fucking bisexual! You are still bisexual regardless of what gender your partner/s is at the time. You don’t suddenly turn straight or gay because yout partner is a different gender from the one before. I once got told to leave an LGBT service in Brighton for under 26s because I was getting married to someone of a different gender then me, and that stopped me from being bisexual. This was coming from staff and a well known gay person in Brighton who has been on TV and ironicly tried to also go on Big Brother. This is also the same man who believes pride is only for gay people. 

People wonder why Bicon exists every year. Its simple, if you get abuse from all directions, you want to have your own safe space forged out for you. Prides do nothing to help bi people, straight people think bisexuals are slutty and were stuck in the middle wanting to just have fun and party with the rest of the queer people. Accessibility to queer events is shit at the best of times, but if you are treated like shit because of your sexuality, of course no one wants to attend. Here’s a tip, if bi people keep asking you to have meetings to talk about how accessible they can be, actually fucking listen. 

For once people need to stop thinking that LGBT is for monosexuality and money. Queer people are broke, mental health problems are common in the bisexual community and access to services are piss poor because of either assumption on sexual activity or people are refused because they are not straight/gay. 

Basically everyone needs to stop being a dick and remember that the B is in LGBT for a reason. 

Facts About Bisexuality

I thought it would be great to post fact about bisexuality specifically because there is a serious lack in Bisexual representation, especially in the LGBT community. The B (and T) is almost silent.

1) Bisexuals are always confused, unless you include times when we are given tough maths questions we can do all of them

2) We get really sexually aroused by bicycles. Ideally they need to be purple, but any bike will work, we are not discriminatory

3) We poop rainbows. Every time you see a rainbow, that’s one of us taking a shit

4) Bisexual porn doesn’t exist. Its a known fact that all you will find is a error when you try and Google it

5) There is no such thing as a vegetarian bisexual. Sorry

6) Bisexuals are incredibly greedy, they will wrestle you to the ground for cake.

7) Again cake related. Every bisexual person can bake cake.

8) Cake is then sacrificed to Satan. That’s why all bisexuals look so young

9) There are no bisexuals that are older than 21

And finally my favourite

10) Transgender Bisexuals do NOT exist.

Hopefully from point one you would have realised that this whole post is entirely satirical. None of these facts are entirely true. However its shit this that gets often said to us on a regular basis. Its hard to imagine what goes through peoples minds sometimes when they ask people questions, when they find out that they are bisexual. It almost seems Luke a bizarre concept that you could find more than one gender attractive, or that trans and bisexual people actually exist.
We are often told that its just a phase that you will grow out of, or that you are far too greedy and you need to pick a side. We are told that being bisexual isn’t attractive and that no one would want to get with us because we do not conform to mono sexuality. We are then told that we are sexual deviants when we finally disclose our sexuality, and there is an assumption that every bisexual person would sleep with everyone, not factoring in that some bisexual people are also Asexual or Aromantic.

There needs to be more open and honest dialogue when it comes to talking about being bisexual, and I hope that one day, bisexuals won’t be badgered with awful questions and assumptions.

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Bi Erasure And Visibility

In celebration of Bi Visibility week and day (23rd September) I thought I would make a post about it, explaining how I feel about being Bi as a trans masculine identified person.
Now I can tell you it’s not a walk in the park. There is a misconception that bisexual people get it easy, that we are all greedy and we can’t actually make up our minds to be either gay or straight.
This is untrue. Firstly, its not easy. Having to explain to both yourself and others that you like 2 or more genders is frustrating. It took me a long time to accept that I was neither gay or straight. I couldn’t be either gay or straight, I find a person attractive regardless of their gender expression and body parts. It was never a thing I thought of when I was dating someone. The things I always found attractive were tattoos, humour and wit. Something that anyone could have regardless of who they were.
What I found when I became more public about being bisexual, is that the LG community doesn’t actually like us that much, and want to label us as greedy, and fence sitters. Now I can safely say that I’m no fence sitter (my ass won’t fit for starters) and my greediness has nothing to do with myself being bisexual. I’m a self confessed slut. Something I am proud of, and hold my badge high. This has zero relevance to the people I’m with though. I have also made up my mind with what I like also, anyone.
There is also this bizarre idea that trans people cannot be bisexual. That bisexual solely relates to two binary genders, and that a trans person would have to label themselves as Pansexual at the very least. Well you can stop that right now. Bisexual means two OR MORE genders. This statement also implies that trans people couldn’t be straight or gay either. I know that this post is about being bisexual, but any erasure of sexual identity, because it doesn’t fit tidily into a little box, is utter bullshit. Now I know that there are people who identify themselves as bisexual, and only like binary genders, but there are others that like different combinations , or even all. There is no one way to be bisexual. The description is in the title.
For a community that’s probably the largest sexual minority group, it is often the most erased by some of the others. I once used to go to a youth group that refused to accept that I was bisexual because I was with a cis man. I was also told that I wasn’t bisexual because I was with a cis woman. Though once they found out that one of my partners was a trans woman, they accepted it. I do not even want to begin to tell you what was wrong with that. This is a common thing though, bi people are being erased from services because of the current partner/s they are with at the time.
When I first came out as bisexual (probably about 14 at the time) it wasn’t known about. People were one or the other. In 14 years, I have noticed that peoples ideas are about the same. There needs to be more education with people about bisexual relationships, and that its actually really common to find a whole different collection of people attractive, regardless of gender.

I should add one thing before I close this. Yes I am also poly, both my partners are also part of the bisexual/pansexual community. Being poly doesn’t automatically make you bi, just as much as being bi doesn’t make you poly. There are many bisexual people that are mono as well as there are many poly people that are straight or gay. Being one doesn’t make you automatically the other.

Now I’ve explained how I feel about being bisexual, you can tell me how you feel. What are you doing for bi visibility day, got any plans? How do you feel about being bisexual? Maybe you have other feelings towards sexuality and gender. Give me a message and tell me what you think.

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Dear Cis People.

*****
Now before I start I know a few people are going to say stuff like this:
“NOT ALL CIS PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS”
“STOP SAYING THAT WE ARE ALL THE SAME”
“WHY LABEL US LIKE THAT, WE ARE ALL THE SAME”. (My favourite)
Just stop. If you are my actual friend, chances are, this post is NOT about you. You can skip this if you want to. This post isn’t about the people who actually listen to trans people and educate  themselves without offending. This post is about the people who actually don’t understand why its so hard for us sometimes. I know some of my friends have even asked some of these questions, and I have been totally OK to answer them. But its about context and the way its been addressed to me.
I shit you not , my sex life was brought up at a Christmas dinner in front of my family and that was totally uncool. That is an example of how things shouldn’t be addressed to me.
*****

I never thought I would be the type of trans person to start a post like this, but it has come to my attention that being trans regardless of where I am, causes some sort of issue regardless of who I’m with. So here are a few pointers / things that have been said, and I’m going to try and explain things in the easiest way possible. These have been things that have legitimately been said to me in regards to my transition. This may bring up a few triggers to some people, and I apologise. This contains “subtle” transphobic comments , transphobia and comments that might be upsetting.

1.” You were so pretty as a girl”

Why thank you for complimenting me. Thank you also for telling me how wonderful you think I looked when I was my most unhappiest. As much as you think that this is a compliment, please don’t. It screams “You were once attractive, why would you do this”. My transition has nothing to do with what my exterior previously looked like. It was merely a shell that I was trapped in.  It also implies to someone that they are not as attractive as what they once were. No one wants to hear that, regardless of whether you are trans or not. Whether I was more or less attractive pre transition, its still MY transition. And I am far more comfortable and happy now, then what I was several years ago.

2. “Why are you wanting to be male?”

Wanting? WANTING? Things I want for. A nice house, a cure for cancer, my family to be happy. There is no wanting in my gender. I AM MALE, what I want, is for my tits to be cut off, so I don’t have people calling me “she”. How can I want something I already am?

3. “How do you expect to be taken seriously when you look like that”

Well, because how I dress, what colour my hair is, my expression, IS MY CHOICE AND NOT YOURS. If I based everything solely in appearance, the world would be entirely weird. The only thing I do not have a choice on, is my top surgery. I’m still waiting, and I’m looking forward to that day. So what if I dye my hair pink (though its blue right now), it doesn’t make me any less male. So what if I wear eyeliner, most male punks/goths wear eyeliner. So what if I paint my nails, again see the previous comment MOST MALE PUNKS AND GOTHS DO IT. Just because I was “once female” , doesn’t mean I should stop doing things I enjoy. I also enjoy cooking, should I stop doing that?

4. “So when are you going to get the surgery?”

How long is a piece of string? Also what surgery are you talking about, because there are several different types. Also you are assuming that I’m going to want all surgery’s. Now I must admit that there was a time where I wanted a penis. I would have gone under the knife in a millisecond without hesitation. But then I saw the risks. When you see so many of your friends struggle with lower surgery, see how so many mistakes were happening, it does put you off. Now if there was less risks and more research, I will certainly reconsider my options, but in all honesty. I’m ok with not getting it done. I’ve already said how I want chest surgery done. I don’t think I could honestly manage living my live with something so large and visible on me for the rest of my life. Where as I don’t honestly expect for everyone to notice my genitals, since they are normally contained in my pants.

5. “So are you going to be liking boys or girls now?”

Ok, I know that this is hard to understand, but sexuality and gender are TWO SEPARATE THINGS. Before I came out I was bisexual, I am still bisexual. I haven’t suddenly decided I’m going to “pick a side” now I’m male.

6. “So how do you have sex?”

Well, first we make a cake. A great big fucking cake, with icing. Then we worship to the cake and pie gods, and then we proceed to poke our belly buttons till we think we have had enough.

7. “Your only doing this for attention”

Well if I wanted attention, I don’t think I would go through all the effort to loose friends, make my mum say that there are two sons now, want life changing surgery, shove needles in my are every 10 weeks and deal with  the social awkwardness that comes with being trans.

8. “You can’t be male, your DNA wont change, it will still say female, and you will have to always tell the hospitals that you are female, because they will give you the wrong medication other wise”

Here is what’s wrong with that statement. There are billions of people in the world, there are also millions of people who’s DNA DOES NOT match up with their body’s. There is also more than the standard XX /XY chromosomes. Also as a side note, 1 in 1000 people who are born have some signs of being intersex. WHICH INCLUDES, GUESS WHAT, DIFFERENT CHROMOSOMES. Hell, have you even had yours tested? Does it match up?
Secondly, medication is done by body mass, height, ect. Most medication is in fact for everyone to use. And if a Dr tries to give me a prostate exam. I will state that its not required.
*I am going to side note this though, please keep up to date with prostate exams, cervical screening ect, the drs might not send out letters, but you do need this checked. Go to a medical practitioner you trust or there are also lots of lgbt clinics you can go to without having to publicly out yourself*

9. “People need to know what you are though”

What am I ? Human. What I am doesn’t define me. When I actually go out to date people (and trust me, if you have said that, your probably not one of them) I normally date in the queer community, and that’s because there is no need for me to out myself. There is no expectation, and also my genitals are not the main topic.

10. “I bet your parents don’t actually approve, they are just saying they are to make you happy”

Now, OK this is a two part answer. My father (ewww I’m mentioning him on here) has no decisions in my life. He pissed that up the wall well before I came out. His opinion means fuck all to me. As for the second part. Have you met my mum? Have you asked her about my transition? Because I have, friends have and so has Kai. And do you know what she says. She has never been so happy for me, because for 25 years I was a miserable cunt, with no life. She has defended me, been there like no other person has and if there was ever an issue, we talk about it. Hell she’s even injected me with my hormones. So before you judge my family by your expectations, you might want to ask them what they actually think.

Thank you for reading this. I know its been a huge rant of things. But if I can show one person how some questions actually affect us, and they learn from that, my job is done.

Please Don’t Segregate Us Again , Brighton Pride

The photo I have started this blog post is quite frankly the most shocking thing I have seen in a very long time. This wasn’t done by a prankster or a nobody. This poster was done by Brighton and Hove pride. (Photo from Instagram, profile kept on there so you can find the original poster) This poster may seem harmless to some, but to people who are trans (note no star) this is telling is that we are not allowed to use the “regular” showers, that we have to have our own showers in fear of upsetting people.
Now before we all get on that high horse of toilets, we all agreed, label them as all gender or just simply “toilet” and it upsets no one. No one goes, “here there is Men’s. Women’s and Trans toilet”. Its fucking degrading. We just say ” assessable to all toilet” SIMPLE.
The part where this is actually painful, when thought of, is that it was done by an LGBT group, and not just a group, the BIGGEST group in Brighton. Segregation of groups was deemed immoral in the 50/60/70s when minorities were refused service because of colour of skin. In the 80/90s it was fought because Gay men and AIDS sufferers were bring rejected to work and refused service because of fear. Since posting this picture , a friend shared it, and made a joke about women with the full package, and I’m honestly upset even more. THIS IS WHAT TERRIBLE WORDING AND PLACEMENT DOES.
For fuck sake. Even Hitler wasn’t so fucking open about segregation like pride have been. I know that’s a terrible thing to say, but if you think of segregated showers, your first thought is Hitler.
Now I know that’s a terrible way to start a post, and yes it was but I was so shocked by that one thing, it sparked me to right the review I honestly didn’t want to write, because I am fully well aware that I am the moaning trans person that always complains about every little thing there is. And yes, I have been putting in the complaints, but that’s because every other queer, bi and trans person has been turned away from the door.
From the sunday of trans pride I knew shit was going to go down. The promise of bisexual representation had been pissed on by a simple act. The final ambassador for pride was announced. This one man stood for what pride truly is, a white male, drug induced, wreckage that even many of the people who saw who it complained, saying that this was not what pride is about. When people put in the complaints, PRIDE accused people of being bullies and that he got his place fairly. There was an uproar, and it was brushed under the carpet by pride, only to be picked up again by the people who attend it.
You want to know why people were pissed off. HE HAS DONE NOTHING TO HELP STOP BULLYING. He has in fact publicly bullied people before, he’s called bisexual people greedy, stated that bi and trans people shouldn’t be in LGBT spaces if they are in a “straight relationship” and said that he was bisexual, just so he could record a song that was so offensive and inappropriate, his piss poor singing couldn’t cover up the fact it was about bisexuals being slutty. Before you say that I’m being a bitchy cunt, I would like to say that he had been one of my friend’s. He had been invited to one of my secret parties, been someone I used to hang round with socially. We stopped being friends the moment he stated last year to my partner, that PRIDE was only for gays. And this was publicly. Not in some shitty Facebook private message, but public on his fan page. He has gone to clubs and started fights, taken so many drugs, he became sick and as for those votes and fans. Yeah, those were bought for him.
Gscene are just as much to blame, if they had done their research, they would have known it was a bad idea. They had seen enough diva photos, stories, hell even venue owners and workers have said how he’s needed to be removed. If Gscene had bothered to do research, maybe they would have found better representation. Just to add though, that Alice is amazing, and if you haven’t read her articles in Gscene or spoken to her for more than 5 minuets, you are missing out. She is a beautiful human being and I love her so dearly.

Photo taken from Instagram – profile kept on so you can find them.
The Saturday of pride and the trip to Hove lawns was pretty uneventful, a few people waived, and I saw someone who looked a little like my biological father. I said very loudly to Kai that if I bumped into my father, I may have to christen my walking cane. The guy looked terrified, and if you were just a look-a-like of Neil, then I apologise that you both heard that, and you are stuck with his build and face.
The parade set up was great, and well done PRIDE for doing that. I’m not going to give you negative feedback where its not needed, you did good arranging everyone, though not all stewards knew what was going on. We got there on time and finished off getting ready. It was hot!

Photos from Edward, the wonderful Chair of FTMB.
One thing that needed to be addressed, the lack of disabled and accessible toilets was just awful. The main disabled toilet was also the women’s toilet. Next year, please be more aware of access needs.
The parade was delayed by an hour and a half and re routed. There was a bomb scare. I would like to thank the people who found this, because the whole day could gave been a disaster. You guys are the real MVPs. The route was re routed to go through western road and it all went pretty well. We were at the beginning also (number 3) so we probably didn’t get to deal with the real drunks.
Getting to the park itself wasn’t bad. Though I can tell you that there was a HUGE police presence. I can also tell you that there were some police workers that were totally inappropriate and incredibly brutal towards people. I think a serious talk about their attitude is needed, and by talk, an actual behaviour review, because it was pretty shit.

Getting into the actual park, I have points to make. One, being asked whether I was disabled was insulting, having access needs would have been appropriate. Telling one of the people to leave and that only one other person could help, was also wrong. Thank you for yet again believing that people are strictly monosexual and that if they were my other partner (who was already in at the time) I would have had to choose between the two to come with me.  Other volunteers were really helpful, didn’t make me wait, though, when they tried to get me into the park and get me in via the access tent, it was closed off, and at that point, I couldn’t just stand and wait for someone to open it up, and the staff had no idea where the main person running it was,  I said my thank you’s and walked through. They tried so hard to try and get me help from the access tent, but it turns out the access tent wasn’t even accessible.
We tried to get hold of a programme and there was NONE around. We finally found someone with a programme and were shocked that pride had said that they were minimum £1 donation, but had been selling them for £2. This was at the campsite they had got the programme. We noticed that the trans tent (yet again) hadn’t been mentioned and the trans line up hasn’t even been written. There was however two toilets hidden behind the trans tent and that was highly appreciated.
As I walked round what I could I noticed that there was no other trans representation and there was no bi representation, except for once when one of the speakers mentioned “gay and bisexual men”
I had managed to get to the main stage (because even if we had attempted the dance tents, there was zero room) and got quite close. But was constantly pushed and shoved. There should be an area that has chairs. Cause standing and sitting, when its painful to move, is a total nightmare.
We left early because the police vibe, the attitudes and the behaviour of some individuals was just too uncomfortable to be around. I didn’t even get to see human league, the one band I actually wanted to see. Instead what I saw was Tulisa wearing a cat suit and some gay man who I have no idea why he was dancing. Or how he managed to get on the main stage, when so many beautiful local artists were shoved on the radio reverb stage. When we left, we saw a man unconscious with 5 police officers next to him, and they were acting like there was nothing to see. I don’t want to start anything, but he looked pretty roughed up.
The rest of the evening was spent with my beautiful friends. As Kai and I were walking into town in the evening, we got called ladies by a straight girl, because “its pride, every gay man is a lady” and I flipped at her , I told her how inappropriate it was to go up to someone and say that, and when she said that she had done nothing wrong I told her that it was terrible that she would go up to people abs assume their sexuality and gender expression. She got upset and I walked away.  THIS WASN’T THE FIRST CASE OF INAPPROPRIATE STRAIGHT PEOPLE. But there are 100s of other Brighton people, and they can say what happened to them.

I’m sorry for the huge rant about pride, but nor everyone got represented, and far too many people need to have a thought about how they need to improve their party.

Side note – The Argus posted nothing about trans prise, nor posted any pictures of either the trans tent, the trans collective or even so much as a flag that wasn’t rainbow. Turns out its not just Pride that are erasing the existence of other identified people.

Positive ending – If you ever want great food, go to lunch positive, they were amazing!!!!

Strictly Non Monogamous In 500 Words

I stupidly agreed to write an article for a local (lgbt) magazine about being in a homosexual relationship and being trans. I know that they would want for me to be discussing our relationship but I would honestly feel like a fraud and a sell out writing it.
Though saying I’m gay publicly has almost been the easy option that doesn’t require must explanation, the truth is far more complicated. I’m bisexual
I’m also in a poly relationship

*cue the typical person implying that I can’t make up my mind or that I’m just greedy*

I have loved people of all points of the gender spectrum and I will continue to do so. My sexuality and preference has never been decided by genitals, nor by masculine of feminine traits, but by the individuals personality. I also believe that the concept of “love” can be shared with multiple people and in an infinite combination. Because currently I am not in a non monogamous relationship, doesn’t mean I am not poly. I took a break from dating others because I am still getting over a break up of my previous partner. And my hang ups should be dealt with in my head, and with my current, before pursuing a relationship with anyone else. I don’t believe that all of your baggage should be given to a new partner, and if you can work on issues before starting a new relationship, I believe you should.
This stigma of being both bi and poly terrifies me though and the thought of “outing” myself 3 times in 500 words seems outrageous.
I expect the usual questions, like

“How are you a man if you don’t have/want a penis?”

“Why are you planning to get married, when you are clearly going to cheat on your partner”

“Why don’t you just stay single and have no strings attached sex?”

“Why can’t you just pick one gender you want to be with?”

These questions, though may seem really ridiculous to read, are surprisingly what I get asked on a daily / weekly basis. Trying to write 500 words, shutting down these sorts of questions, is my hardest task. Mainly because I don’t know how to do it. And I certainly don’t know whether I can do all three things at once.

So my dilemma is this.
Do I sell myself to the devil or Do I put all my cards on the table?

Pros of outing myself –
I can actually have a platform to discuss being poly, bi and trans. And have a discussion about how the “b” and “t” are often marginalised in a community that talks the talk about sexual and gender diversity but never walks the walk.
I can use it both as a learning tool and it will give me experience and a chance to write an article about me, that isn’t written by someone else.
I can write it for all the other people that are going through the sane thing as me. Years of me going to certain groups , have taught me that I am not alone!

Cons of outing myself-
I’m out, in a large community, that although says they are inclusive, and friendly, the sad truth that some members of the LG community are actually some of the most bigoted members in society. And that their bigoted/biphobic/transphobic comments are often justified because they are homosexual. Its almost like a “get out of jail free”
card.
That anyone can read it. Yes I have been public about me being trans, but unless you are already in the community, you don’t really know me. The magazine goes out to most of East Sussex and there are some people I really don’t want knowing my business.
Not only is it outing myself, its also outing my partner. And again yes we may be both very public, we do keep a lot private.

Basically I have until the 30th April to make my choice, and what I want to write. I’m just going to need time to process what it is I’m actually writing about.

Following on from this post, I decided not to do it in the end. Whilst I knew at the time it would give me coverage as a writer, I had decided that this wasn’t the greatest time to start writing about being bisexual and Poly. What I didn’t know then was the impending shit storm that was to happen in August and my distrustfulness towards the media in the gay community.