BDSM DOESN’T EQUAL TO ABUSE!
I don’t know if I am going to be having to repeat the same bullshit over and over again, but yet again people are saying that BDSM means you are either abused or abusing your partners. If you however do BDSM and abuse your partners, you can fuck off out of the community, that’s not what we are about.
BDSM is about consenting acts between partners. Spanking, whips and canes might not seem like fun to you personally but to others it’s amazing. I choose to be a sub not because I am being abused, but because it’s my thing. The fact I am able to trust my partners being dominant. I have always consented to role play and scenes.
What however is abuse is physical, mental and financial harm that is not consented to. Its an act your partner does that they have not agreed on. It is not a consenting role play or scene involving toys and chains. It is not agreeing on safewords and aftercare treatment.
The thing is, when you accuse people of abuse, you are going to be affecting their lives. When someone has actually been abusive, you need to stand up and fight against it. When your ideals with sex make you think that a consenting act is abuse, you need to stop and think. How will this false accusation affect their relationship? When you also falsely accuse people of abuse you are potentially affecting the real victims. They are the people we should be looking after. They are the people we should be fighting for. Not some petty bullshit because you don’t like kink.
I have been in abusive relationships. None of which have been with Dom’s. I have been very lucky in that sense. There are some arseholes out there, but real Dom’s are not abusive. I have seen partners be in abusive relationships with non kinky people. It doesn’t mean everyone who’s non kinky is violent or abusive. It means that there is some cunt trying to spoil it for the rest of them.
I’m not telling everyone to get into kink, all I’m saying is that you should do research before you accuse the bdsm community of being abusive to their partners.
Not everyone who’s kinky is abusive and not all abused people are into kink.
I haven’t done one of these in a couple of months. I’ve been so busy with so many things I haven’t had time, so excuse my absence.
For starters, thank you to my wonderful partners. They have been amazing as always and they put up with me being a dick.
Thank you to my family. I’ve gone back up to Scotland for a couple of weeks and as well as spending time with them, I have been able to fuss baby owls.
Thank you to the NHS, because they have been pumping me full of painkillers and medication whilst I have been on and off ill.
Thank you to the random stranger who asked me to do a review in exchange for a free e-copy of there book. Whilst I didn’t like it personally, it was still a great offer and I appreciate it.
Its difficult because the rest of the news hasn’t been great lately, especially with the terrible result of the EU vote. So I would like to thank the people who actually voted to remain. We tried.
Thank you to all the people who will be affected by this news. Thank you to all the people of colour for putting up with this shit news. The members of Europe who live here and are now getting abuse. I’m sorry that you are getting abuse. You don’t deserve this.
Thank you to the people who have supported me lately when things got shit.
And finally thank you to all my readers. Without you, I am nothing
If you didn’t know, I’m writing a book about “Queer Dating and Sexual Advice” . I started writing it in April and it will hopefully be available by the end of the year, body permitting. When it gets close to completion, a rough release date will be announced.
What the book has done though has sparked me to start a study and analysis of dating habits of people who are over 18.
I did a pilot survey of 100 people recently using survey monkey and 100 random people who got to the survey first. There was a wide variety of genders, sexualities and ages. Here are some of the answers to some of the questions given to the participants.
Please feel free to share and use this information. It was just a basic pilot to the detailed survey that will be coming out.
Thank you to whoever made this.
Today is International day against homophobia, biphobia and transphobia. Today we are reminded that there are so many countries that still have no laws that protect the lives of of LGBT people and some counties that still use the death penalty on “criminals” who’s only crime are loving someone.
We are constantly told that its not our problem because we live in countries that treat LGBT people with respect. This is untrue. Its everyone’s problem.
Recently even in the city of Brighton there has been a string of homophobic assaults only recently and its never mentioned but transphobia in the city is rife.
The unjust bathroom laws are still happening in places in America and guess what, in some states you can be fired still if people think you are gay. Being given same sex marriage never stopped the fight we still have to fight every day.
Whilst things are getting better, it is still hard being LGBT in this world. There are still many fights we still need to battle and we need to take each little victory where we can grab it.
Over the past few months I have seen first hand how ableist the world actually is. I’ve written before about how people do not see me as being someone who has disabilities and how much it frustrates me when I ask for additional support but people look at me like I’m lying because I look “far too young” to have anything wrong with me.
I’m not the only person in my life that experiences this. Both my partners have various issues that prohibit them from some day to day tasks, but because neither of them are not visible, they are seen to not exist.
I should start from the beginning. Whilst I look like some scary bright haired goth with an attitude problem, there are many things actually wrong.
I have a spine injury made worse by binding, I have arthritis, my joints lock on bad days, I’m epileptic, I’m on the autistic spectrum, I have tourettes which is just about manageable and my mental health is so bad at times, suicide has felt like the only option. Not including how screwed up my liver is of course. My life involves a juggle of which pain killers I need to take, not stressing myself out and attempting to sleep.
This combined is honestly exhausting at times. I don’t like talking about it often because people just think its bullshit and that someone my age cannot be so ill without being in a wheelchair. I do have a stick that I use on bad days. Which again I get shit for because people do not think I need it.
A couple of weeks ago I got told “how were they supposed to know I was struggling to move because they had seen me walk without my stick” when I asked about how accessible certain venues actually were. During the same conversation, the person went on to imply that people in wheel chairs were the main concern and maybe they should just ask everyone with “special needs” what sort of venue they wanted.
If it wasn’t so fucking sarcastic in tone, I would have honestly coped with it better.
You see, I get abuse all the fucking time. Whether its because I’m a non binary trans person or I’m sitting on the bus with my stick in the priority seating. Because my conditions are not visible, I don’t have them. I once got pushed out the way queuing for a bus, by someone much older than I demanding she must get on before me. I explained that it was rude but she didn’t even care. Because I was a “young person” I can wait.
Me today on a "bad" day
I honestly expect it in public spaces now where people do not know me. Its OK, I don’t expect people to understand hidden illnesses and conditions you can’t see. I however don’t like the fact that I get called selfish, a liar or rude because I cannot physically give up my seat or move quick enough. I’ve had to contact Brighton and Hove bus company because how bad I have been abused on the bus. Even though I have the card explaining to drivers that I need the seat.
What I don’t like, and I really don’t understand is that groups, friends and people I know have been like this. There is an assumption that queers do not need venues that are accessible or that extra help maybe needed when required. I’m horrified that at times I have to constantly repeat myself and say that certain things are not helpful to me. Its then when I’m upset. When I get looked like I’m shit in trans spaces and accused of being passive aggressive because I have asked for help or that I can’t engage in human interaction it suddenly makes me a cunt. Or that me being autistic makes me a trouble maker because I can’t engage in a “normal” way. Yes I get flustered often but if I was listened to rather then ignored, you might understand why.
I feel that constantly I am battling with supposed “queer and/or trans activists” about intersectionality and that people can fit into many different boxes. I also feel that the same community are also the worst to understand this. We should all be working better towards making safer spaces to all queer and trans people. Not just middle aged, middle class, able white queers. ALL QUEERS
I’m trans and I’m disabled, not one or the other. Both. And that’s not going to change because you do not see it.
*Content note – Talks of addiction, violence, abuse, rape, miscarriage, abusive step parent*
*Content warning – some of the content written may be upsetting for some readers. Contains talk about death, miscarriage and abuse*
When you spend ages trying to put of writing something, you know there is often a good reason for it. When this word came up, I almost decided to throw in the towel and not do this. But I’m here and I’m talking about emptiness.
There have been many points that I have felt like there is nothing inside of me, that I’m just hollow and nothing can fill the void that’s there. It doesn’t help that I suffer from poor mental health, if you have read some of my other posts outside this challenge, I have spoken about my battle with bipolar and clinical depression. I have also spoken very publicly about being in a relationship with a partner who was abusive. Which I suppose brings me to the first point of feeling empty.
When you go through abuse, you feel like you are the only person in the world that feels like its happening to them. You feel like no one is going to believe you and that you are the reason why its happening. Its nothing but both internal and external bullshit around you and it takes a lot to get out of the cycle, in one piece. It took me a long time to get back to the person I was.
I have felt emptiness on other occasions. I have lost several people in my life, and it’s ripped my heart out. I have also suffered multiple miscarriages because my body has just not allowed a fetus to develop. They have all been at very early stages, but it still fucked my head up each time it happened. I would feel just dead inside, hollow, that there was nothing there. Now at the time, it nearly killed me being unable to bring a pregnancy to full term, and I used to think the phrase “everything happens for a reason” was utter bullshit. Then life changed.
I came out and I realised that if I hadn’t had everything happen to me, that I hadn’t felt this empty void in my life, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I had come out because I realised that I needed to sort my shit out and stop running away and pretending that what was going on inside wasn’t going to kill me if I didn’t resolve it.
As I worked on my treatment for gender reassignment, I started looking at all the other issues I had and started going into recovery. Whilst I am still very unwell at times, I have been able to function better and find better coping skills.
The emptiness that is there is slowly getting filled with other things in my life. One day it will all get better
Thank you for reading this. Please feel free to comment about this post. The next post is F.