I Can’t Believe I’m Saying This Again But …..

BDSM DOESN’T EQUAL TO ABUSE!

I don’t know if I am going to be having to repeat the same bullshit over and over again, but yet again people are saying that BDSM means you are either abused or abusing your partners. If you however do BDSM and abuse your partners, you can fuck off out of the community, that’s not what we are about. 

BDSM is about consenting acts between partners. Spanking, whips and canes might not seem like fun to you personally but to others it’s amazing. I choose to be a sub not because I am being abused, but because it’s my thing. The fact I am able to trust my partners being dominant. I have always consented to role play and scenes.

What however is abuse is physical, mental and financial harm that is not consented to. Its an act your partner does that they have not agreed on. It is not a consenting role play or scene involving toys and chains. It is not agreeing on safewords and aftercare treatment.

The thing is, when you accuse people of abuse, you are going to be affecting their lives. When someone has actually been abusive, you need to stand up and fight against it. When your ideals with sex make you think that a consenting act is abuse, you need to stop and think. How will this false accusation affect their relationship? When you also falsely accuse people of abuse you are potentially affecting the real victims. They are the people we should be looking after. They are the people we should be fighting for. Not some petty bullshit because you don’t like kink. 

I have been in abusive relationships. None of which have been with Dom’s. I have been very lucky in that sense. There are some arseholes out there, but real Dom’s are not abusive. I have seen partners be in abusive relationships with non kinky people. It doesn’t mean everyone who’s non kinky is violent or abusive. It means that there is some cunt trying to spoil it for the rest of them. 

I’m not telling everyone to get into kink, all I’m saying is that you should do research before you accuse the bdsm community of being abusive to their partners. 

Not everyone who’s kinky is abusive and not all abused people are into kink. 

Ten Things I’m Thankful Of – 17

I haven’t done one of these in a couple of months. I’ve been so busy with so many things I haven’t had time, so excuse my absence.
For starters, thank you to my wonderful partners. They have been amazing as always and they put up with me being a dick.
Thank you to my family. I’ve gone back up to Scotland for a couple of weeks and as well as spending time with them, I have been able to fuss baby owls.

Thank you to the NHS, because they have been pumping me full of painkillers and medication whilst I have been on and off ill.
Thank you to the random stranger who asked me to do a review in exchange for a free e-copy of there book. Whilst I didn’t like it personally, it was still a great offer and I appreciate it.
Its difficult because the rest of the news hasn’t been great lately, especially with the terrible result of the EU vote. So I would like to thank the people who actually voted to remain. We tried.

Thank you to all the people who will be affected by this news. Thank you to all the people of colour for putting up with this shit news. The members of Europe who live here and are now getting abuse. I’m sorry that you are getting abuse. You don’t deserve this.
Thank you to the people who have supported me lately when things got shit.
And finally thank you to all my readers. Without you, I am nothing

Pilot Survey For The Book

Hello everyone.
If you didn’t know, I’m writing a book about “Queer Dating and Sexual Advice” . I started writing it in April and it will hopefully be available by the end of the year, body permitting. When it gets close to completion, a rough release date will be announced.
What the book has done though has sparked me to start a study and analysis of dating habits of people who are over 18.
I did a pilot survey of 100 people recently using survey monkey and 100 random people who got to the survey first. There was a wide variety of genders, sexualities and ages.  Here are some of the answers to some of the questions given to the participants.
Please feel free to share and use this information. It was just a basic pilot to the detailed survey that will be coming out.

IDAHOBIT – International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia 2016

Thank you to whoever made this.

Today is International day against homophobia, biphobia and transphobia. Today we are reminded that there are so many countries that still have no laws that protect the lives of of LGBT people and some counties that still use the death penalty on “criminals” who’s only crime are loving someone.
We are constantly told that its not our problem because we live in countries that treat LGBT people with respect. This is untrue. Its everyone’s problem.
Recently even in the city of Brighton there has been a string of homophobic assaults only recently and its never mentioned but transphobia in the city is rife.
The unjust bathroom laws are still happening in places in America and guess what, in some states you can be fired still if people think you are gay. Being given same sex marriage never stopped the fight we still have to fight every day.
Whilst things are getting better, it is still hard being LGBT in this world. There are still many fights we still need to battle and we need to take each little victory where we can grab it.

Stop Judging Me Based On My Appearance

Over the past few months I have seen first hand how ableist the world actually is. I’ve written before about how people do not see me as being someone who has disabilities and how much it frustrates me when I ask for additional support but people look at me like I’m lying because I look “far too young” to have anything wrong with me.
I’m not the only person in my life that experiences this. Both my partners have various issues that prohibit them from some day to day tasks, but because neither of them are not visible, they are seen to not exist.
I should start from the beginning. Whilst I look like some scary bright haired goth with an attitude problem, there are many things actually wrong.
I have a spine injury made worse by binding, I have arthritis, my joints lock on bad days,  I’m epileptic, I’m on the autistic spectrum, I have tourettes which is just about manageable and my mental health is so bad at times, suicide has felt like the only option. Not including how screwed up my liver is of course. My life involves a juggle of which pain killers I need to take, not stressing myself out and attempting to sleep.
This combined is honestly exhausting at times. I don’t like talking about it often because people just think its bullshit and that someone my age cannot be so ill without being in a wheelchair. I do have a stick that I use on bad days. Which again I get shit for because people do not think I need it.
A couple of weeks ago I got told “how were they supposed to know I was struggling to move because they had seen me walk without my stick” when I asked about how accessible certain venues actually were. During the same conversation, the person went on to imply that people in wheel chairs were the main concern and maybe they should just ask everyone with “special needs” what sort of venue they wanted.
If it wasn’t so fucking sarcastic in tone, I would have honestly coped with it better.
You see, I get abuse all the fucking time. Whether its because I’m a non binary trans person or I’m sitting on the bus with my stick in the priority seating. Because my conditions are not visible, I don’t have them. I once got pushed out the way queuing for a bus, by someone much older than I demanding she must get on before me. I explained that it was rude but she didn’t even care. Because I was a “young person” I can wait.

Me today on a "bad" day

I honestly expect it in public spaces now where people do not know me. Its OK, I don’t expect people to understand hidden illnesses and conditions you can’t see. I however don’t like the fact that I get called selfish, a liar or rude because I cannot physically give up my seat or move quick enough. I’ve had to contact Brighton and Hove bus company because how bad I have been abused on the bus. Even though I have the card explaining to drivers that I need the seat.

What I don’t like, and I really don’t understand is that groups, friends and people I know have been like this. There is an assumption that queers do not need venues that are accessible or that extra help maybe needed when required. I’m horrified that at times I have to constantly repeat myself and say that certain things are not helpful to me. Its then when I’m upset. When I get looked like I’m shit in trans spaces and accused of being passive aggressive because I have asked for help or that I can’t engage in human interaction it suddenly makes me a cunt. Or that me being autistic makes me a trouble maker because I can’t engage in a “normal” way. Yes I get flustered often but if I was listened to rather then ignored, you might understand why. 
I feel that constantly I am battling with supposed “queer and/or trans activists” about intersectionality and that people can fit into many different boxes. I also feel that the same community are also the worst to understand this. We should all be working better towards making safer spaces to all queer and trans people. Not just middle aged, middle class, able white queers. ALL QUEERS

I’m trans and I’m disabled, not one or the other. Both. And that’s not going to change because you do not see it.

Open Letter To My Father

*Content note – Talks of addiction, violence, abuse, rape, miscarriage, abusive step parent*

E – Emptiness

*Content warning – some of the content written may be upsetting for some readers. Contains talk about death, miscarriage and abuse*

When you spend ages trying to put of writing something, you know there is often a good reason for it. When this word came up, I almost decided to throw in the towel and not do this. But I’m here and I’m talking about emptiness.
There have been many points that I have felt like there is nothing inside of me, that I’m just hollow and nothing can fill the void that’s there. It doesn’t help that I suffer from poor mental health, if you have read some of my other posts outside this challenge, I have spoken about my battle with bipolar and clinical depression. I have also spoken very publicly about being in a relationship with a partner who was abusive. Which I suppose brings me to the first point of feeling empty.
When you go through abuse, you feel like you are the only person in the world that feels like its happening to them. You feel like no one is going to believe you and that you are the reason why its happening. Its nothing but both internal and external bullshit around you and it takes a lot to get out of the cycle, in one piece. It took me a long time to get back to the person I was.

I have felt emptiness on other occasions. I have lost several people in my life, and it’s ripped my heart out. I have also suffered multiple miscarriages because my body has just not allowed a fetus to develop. They have all been at very early stages, but it still fucked my head up each time it happened. I would feel just dead inside, hollow, that there was nothing there. Now at the time, it nearly killed me being unable to bring a pregnancy to full term, and I used to think the phrase “everything happens for a reason” was utter bullshit. Then life changed.

I came out and I realised that if I hadn’t had everything happen to me, that I hadn’t felt this empty void in my life, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I had come out because I realised that I needed to sort my shit out and stop running away and pretending that what was going on inside wasn’t going to kill me if I didn’t resolve it.
As I worked on my treatment for gender reassignment, I started looking at all the other issues I had and started going into recovery. Whilst I am still very unwell at times, I have been able to function better and find better coping skills.
The emptiness that is there is slowly getting filled with other things in my life. One day it will all get better

Thank you for reading this. Please feel free to comment about this post. The next post is F.

D – Domestic Abuse

*Content note, contains domestic abuse, violence and discussion about abusive relationships that some people may find uncomfortable to read*

I did a blog post last year about how I ended up in an abusive relationship and how I hate people that lie about it and it exhausted me to write it. As I said at the beginning of the challenge I opened up all the titles up to members in a group I’m in. This was the title that came up and I didn’t want to not do it.
Domestic abuse fucking sucks. And it happens to anyone regardless of gender.

A lot of advertising and media is often directed at straight couples where the male partner is abusive. It is shown that only men can ever be violent, and whilst this is often the case in a lot of abuse cases, ITS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE. This also happens with rape and violent assault too.
There is a taboo about discussing violence towards men. That men that have been violently and/or sexually abused are seen as weak. NO! It’s in our culture to laugh at men for getting emotional support or that they “allowed” themselves to be abused by their partner. They are suddenly not a man. This stops men from reporting people to the police or other organizations, because they are told daily that it’s a joke. We need to start supporting men who have suffered abuse from their partners.

We are also told that queers do not suffer domestic abuse, and that it’s mainly a cis white heterosexual problem. We are often told that we are making it up, or that it never existed. We are sometimes told by people of authority that we deserve it, and that we should be grateful that we are even with someone in the first place.
We are also told that when we are standing up for people who are abused (regardless of gender) that we are “Feminazis” or “SJWs”, implying that trying to stop something as serious as domestic abuse isn’t something we should be fighting against.
No I fight because as a queer man I do not want to see anyone raped like I was, I don’t want people to be violently assaulted and I don’t want people to be in a domestic abusive relationship.
Regardless of political or social stance, it is something we ALL should be fighting against, and not making it into a joke.

Thank you for reading this post, I know it was pretty heavy. If anyone wants to talk about abuse and societies views, please feel free to write in the comments. If you are experiencing this, please try and get help from trusted people, you are never alone

Queer Dating – Part Nine – When Its All Over

Over the past few months we have covered the basics of being in a relationship. But what happens when its all over? What happens then?
Sometimes things don’t work out with someone and that’s perfectly fine. You could have been with them for days, weeks or even years and the spark may not be there or things have fucked up for a reason. What you do is entirely up to you, and everyone takes a relationship break up differently. Its a learning curve.

Firstly, just because this relationship ended, doesn’t mean you are unlovable. Sometimes you might sink into depression and yes it is OK to feel shit about a break up. In the past 4 years I’ve had two break ups. The first being with someone I was with since I was 17, the second was with someone I was with for a few months. I felt shit with both of them, I can be totally honest about that. The difference (excluding the gender of both of them) was how they ended.
With the person who I was with for 6 months it was totally out of the blue after she hadn’t messaged me for a couple of weeks (I was letting her settle into uni, and letting her get into a routine). It was via text message whilst I was on my way to visit my family. Honestly it punched me in the fucking throat and it took a long time (surprisingly) to grieve over the relationship. I stupidly even attempted to jump off a bridge at this point of my life, so it wasn’t helping my mental health. I can see why she did it, to her studying and uni WAS the most important thing, and I have total respect for her for that. Other stuff after the break up happened, and because I’m not going to use this to spout negative bullshit about her, let’s just say we are no longer friends. Which in a good way actually helped finally get over her.

Top, with My ex, at 17/18 , Bottom, with Kai a few months ago

The other relationship was totally different. I was with him for years. YEARS!!! We finally ended it in 2012 when I came out as trans, and whilst he is bisexual (very selectively though, he has a lot of mistrust issues towards men) it wouldn’t have worked because of issues he still would have to face with family. He was my husband and best friend and it was fucking sad. When we broke up we both realised that we were actually better as best friends, and we both moved on, as you know. If it wasn’t for that chapter closing, I would never have met Kai or Steph, I wouldn’t have met all my friends that I have and I certainly wouldn’t have done this blog. We are still close friends (though Mr Newbury you should fucking message more often) and I’m happy that he’s also found love (though I did fix him up with his partner). 

Sometimes break ups are the best things. Sometimes you need to move on or get out of the relationship and that’s OK. Nothing is ever permanent, and its OK to feel differently.
Sometimes you NEED to break up because of abuse/violence/rape and you are entitled to feel shit about it. It is never a good thing. Sometimes people can carry the mental scars of abuse for a lifetime. This doesn’t make you week or worthless. It makes you strong because you are still alive, your heart is still beating and you are living. You may feel like you might want to not date for a very long time and that is also perfectly fine. If you were the partner that was abusive. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. You should not hurt people you love. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and I carry the scars. Its hell.

Every break up, just like every relationship, is different. There is never an actual set answer to deal with it. The only tip I can give you is this.

Look after yourself, try and remember all the great qualities you have as a person and try not to get swamped in the negative stuff.

Keep your chin up, things will get better.

Our Own Broken Community

I am often accused of being too angry about the LGBT community and whilst I can say I’ve been passionate and at times a little sweary, there is actual reasons as to why it makes me so angry. I’m Queer, Trans and bisexual. I can also tell you that most of the issues I’ve ever had regarding my own sexuality or gender identity have been from the lesbian and gay community.
This community told us last year that “the war was won” in equality and that we can celebrate by marrying who we choose. This statement WIPED OUT all the struggles and fights the trans community are still going through and brushed under the carpet everything else that still goes on.

So whilst we are thinking about ONE victory in equality, let’s take a look at the others we should be addressing.

1) Do you like mentioning how you fuck to a therapist? Do you think your relationship to your mother and father impacted on your gender and sexuality?  Do you think that you being a cis person is just temporary and that you will grow out of it?
Awkward questions aren’t they? So whilst you were thinking about what “equal” marriage would look like, 100s of trans people were treated with zero respect with outdated text book “psychology” which is being used still even as I write this.
I’ve tried asking these questions to non trans people and I’ve been told to mind my own fucking business. So why is it OK to ask a trans person this?
2) Guess what? Without a GRC, trans people in the UK people cannot get married in their legal gender without having to either get a pagan hand fasting or go to specific places of faith that are LGBT friendly. So if someone has been out for 10 years, gone though treatment, has Mr on all of their legal records and documents, but didn’t pay the fee to have a board of lawyers tell you that you are “man enough” , You can expect Mrs to be written on that marriage certificate. A GRC isn’t compulsory to own, it essentially erases the need for a birth certificate and that is it. So why is it essential if you want to get married? Doesn’t seem equal to me.

3) Actually whilst we are on the whole marriage certificate, its not gender neutral. Considering it’s meant to be equal marriage, non binary identified people cannot use Mx or other neutral titles. Its either male or female. Also what about intersex people? Where would they fit in with “marriage equality”
4) GRCs. Gender recognition certificate to be precise. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, ITS NOT A LEGAL REQUIREMENT. You do not need to own one to be legally recognised anywhere as the gender you identify as. But if you do want/need one. Do you think a board of cis lawyers should be able to determine something they themselves have no “real life experience” with. Even Drs at gender clinics find the system so problematic its unreal.
4) Have you felt the threat of physical violence whilst you have been trying to take a piss? If the answer is no, then good for you. This is a challenge trans people (mostly trans women) face day to day in public bathroom. They are faced with abuse, ridicule, violence and rape on a daily basis. And for what? To take a piss? Surely this is just as important as deciding how many tiers a wedding cake must be.
5) TRANS PEOPLE ARE STILL GETTING FUCKING MURDERED JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE TRANS. I honestly hope I don’t need to explain to anyone why this is so fucking important.

But its only trans and non binary issues that are still going on, I hear you cry. No. Let’s throw a few other things out there.
*Bisexuals are more likely to face discrimination then Lesbian and Gay people. They experience abuse from outside the community as well as inside, and are often told that their sexuality isn’t legitimate.
*There are more bisexual people living in poverty then there are Lesbian or Gay people.
*Asexuals are erased often in the LGBTQA acronym. A means Asexual and not Allies. Please don’t erase asexuals just for you to say that our straight allies can come along for the ride.
*Bisexuals are more likely to experience suicidal thoughts, self harm and drug and alcohol problems.
*Racism happens in the community, and people of colour who are LGBTQA suffer not only just with straight people, but with the gay scene. Have you ever been on Grindr? Its horrible and needs to be addressed.
*Intersectionality is also a thing that needs to be addressed. Its assumed that people fit in only one box, and other issues such as disabilities and illnesses never get addressed.

There are many MANY other things that could be included, but we would be here for a very long time.
Look I’m not saying to hate the fact we have “equal” marriage, I am just saying that the war is not over yet. We need equality for all, not just a select few.