CN – Very frank discussions about drug addiction and feelings towards being sober
It has been over 10 years now since I have touched heroin and coming up to 8 years since I last smoked crack cocaine. I wanted to do this whole beautiful post about how being a recovered drug addict has improved my life and how wonderful being recovered actually is, but this isn’t some fucking fantasy and i will never be recovered, just in recovery.
I mean I dragged this post out for almost a good year or so because I was hoping that I could give you all some inspirational bullshit about how bright and shiney it all actually is but I think from this post I am beyond sugar coating it all for everyone.
Recovery has been really fucking hard. It’s like having this continued itch in the back of your mind that needs to be scratched. You don’t think I still do not want the sweet release for just a day? Fuck yes but it would ruin both my life and bank account to feel that warm blanket that feels like a kiss from god. You ever felt like you can take on the world? That’s what crack feels like but I am beyond broken to deal with the withdrawal it would just bring me.
It’s a day to day battle. And it’s not just the whole “delete numbers, cut contact, 12 step” battle you find written down, but AN ACTUAL STRUGGLE.
It’s having to maintain my pain levels based on whether medication will give me side affects that cause me to feel withdrawn again. It’s constantly looking in medication ingredients lists, and the panic knowing that you are going to have surgery and the automatic that they give you morphine to manage your pain, and just that small taste can bring it all fucking back to you. It is days when you are feeling depressed and you just need a pick me up or just something that will make you just feel OK to survive the day.
There are literally days where I beg being an addict at times again because life was easier. I didn’t need to care or worry, or even concern myself about trivial bollocks. I could just take heroin and crack, forget the world and go about my daily business. I joked to Kai that I had been a smack head and in recovery at clearly the wrong point in my life, because now, I wake up some days just needing it.
When I wake up and my joints ache like they did when I first went cold turkey is the utter worst part of this. The difference being is that it is because my body is now broken and I’m wise in myself not to touch anything opiate based unless it is an emergency. I hurt almost constantly and having addiction issues to the one thing that in times might actually help me, is the actual worst.
Would I take it back though? Would I fuck
My life is worth living and being a part of and being sober from all of this made me more human than I could ever imagine. I found myself, my love, my passions. I mean sure, I have shit days and REALLY SHIT DAYS but isn’t that what both life and recovery is honestly about?