Just after my 30th birthday I made the decision to come out as gay. It had been something that had been waying in on my mind for sometime and eventually I felt it was at that time to do it.
I suppose looking back on it, it shouldn’t have been as hard as I thought at the time it would be. I had always been attracted to male aligned folks and had always struggled being in relationships with women and woman aligned people. I had battled in my head whether this was just me being misogynistic and that I had a hatred towards femininity, but I realised that no, I just wasn’t physically attracted to women as much as I thought it was.
I think a huge part of it was that I had some huge internalised bullshit (often brought on by discussions with TERFS) that I was just a self hating lesbian, and that I was forcing myself to be in relationships with men to make myself feel better about it. The truth was, I was forcing myself to identify as bisexual because I thought it might be easier in life and that maybe it might stop the gender feels™.
I spent so long feeling this, that it had become almost a toxic poison consuming my mental health and coming out was in fact a huge fucking relief.
Then something happened. I started feeling things for one woman in my life. She’s fully aware of this and I have said that I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with her because of how it would make us both feel, how it would fuck me up and how I come with so much bullshit it would not only harm her but also myself to persue something that could go so horribly wrong to a friendship I treasure more than anything. I am a gay agender person and she is not a man or even masculine aligned and has had so much bullshit from the gay community that it would emotionally be awful.
What the fuck even are feelings and emotions? You get yourself fucking organized in life and then POW something or someone comes along and slaps you right in the goddamn face. If these 30 years have taught me anything it’s that life truly isn’t as predictable as you would hope it would be. I thought I had all this worked out by now, but nahh.
I suppose the thing is that I do have to give myself a break from time to time and actually focus on what will not only make me happy but other people too that I care about.
Feelings love to come in to disrupt everything. You can hide them, you can ignore them but you can’t get away from them. I wish you luck.
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