Past and Future

As I sit here writing this on my dressing gown debating whether to make myself a caramel chocochino, I am also debating what the fuck this year actually is going to bring for me. 

I have started planning everything I want to in advance (well kind of anyway) and have started to try and get my life a little bit more organised. When I wrote yesterdays post, I hadn’t actually spotted though that today’s would be highly similar. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it isn’t. 

This year is the first year where I don’t actually have fully set plans for everything, and I say this with not one but FOUR journals in front of me. Ok, one of them is my specific neopets one and the other is for exclusively writing notes in meetings, but still, with all of this, I STILL do not actually have my life in order. And you know what, I couldn’t be more happier. 

The past two years I was getting stressed out with views, content, surgery, rehabilitation because of my mental and physical health and the looming presence of hitting my 30s. The truth of the matter was, that trying to actually program myself to forcefully do shit all the time was making me ten times more depressed than actually trying to just exist actually was. 

In the past year I had almost forgotten how to breath. 

Last year I lost a huge platform, which meant I lost about 90% of my readers and if I’m totally honest, yes it did fuck me up. I had worked really hard on it and well it was now gone. However, this made me put a fuck ton into perspective and realised I could actually start to have time to recover and rebrand everything. I had been locked in a situation where I was too scared to write what I wanted to, and be who I was and now it was like being reborn again. 

I suppose after last year, and nearly dying .. Yes it hurts and, no no one wants to think about it, but yes nearly dying… It put everything into fucking perspective. I am no longer this two dimensional character for people to shit on or use. I had spent last year fighting battles I truly didn’t need to, and stepping away from that made me feel so much fucking better. 

I just wished I had actually done it sooner!!

2018 is going to be a different year. It is going to be the year where I just do what ever the fuck I actually want to do. I’m no longer am going to be scared of the consequences of being who I actually am, and you know what, if I make mistakes along the way then that’s perfectly fine too. I have been fucking chained down to acceptance for so long that it tires me and this year is going to be different. 

This year I’m going to focus on actually writing for me, and well if people want to read it then that is wonderful. I’m not going to stress myself out on content I have failed to post on time. I am going to spend more time on self care, and by fuck I’m actually going to spend more time with my family because I saw them fuck all last year and if anyone has a goddamn issue with that then you can go fuck yourself. 

Oh, and get more tattoos.. I need more of those. 2018 is going to be the anti 2017 and I am looking forward to it.