Content note – mentions miscarriage.
Urgh, so I’m slowly creeping up to the big 30 this month and I’ve noticed that more and more people are starting to question about me settling down. Or to put it better, when am I going to stop being poly, be in a mono relationship and start having kids.
Sorry, but it’s not happening.
For years I thought I wanted kids, I actively tried, and quickly found out through multiple miscarriages that it would be very difficult for me. Having miscarriages rips your fucking heart out, it nearly killed me every time. I tried for a long time to do the whole kids route. Then I realised I wasn’t doing this for me, I was doing it because society expected it from me.
When I came out as trans, I decided I wanted to keep my eggs, just in case. After a while I realised it really wasn’t something I wanted to do. I had just felt pressured being in a long term relationship and everyone wanting you to make the next step of marriage and kids.
Then my health started playing up.
Nothing has ever stopped me more from wanting kids then not being able to physically look after myself. I have days where I struggle to physically move and days where I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I know physically I couldn’t be a 24/7 parent to a child.
What I want to know, is why the fuck is there some bullshit expectation to settle down and have children at a certain age. I mean the worlds fucking over populated, we have Trump controlling a quarter of the fucking globe, you can’t get on the housing ladder, so your kids don’t have something to inherit when you die.
These are good points, but why do I need to even do them. Surely just saying “because I don’t fucking want to” should be a good enough reason as to why you don’t want a child.
And hell let’s face facts there are many MANY teenagers that are stuck in the adoption system. If I was wanting to have kids, I would fucking adopt. Obviously the issue here would be me to pass the adoption test. But if I wanted kids, I would give someone a chance they were not able to get.
I mean yes. I love seeing my friends kids, and yes I’m always up for baby sitting duties, but fuck dealing with dirty nappies, temper tantrums and a question every 30 seconds to something I do not have the answer to.
This is why I have cats!
Tyler Charles Austen 
If you don’t want kids, don’t have kids. The end. Yes, there is an expectation from some that you should. But you are the only person who has to full time and forever live your life. And whatever you do people will judge. I always wanted children and have them. I remember before I got pregnant my husband’s family hinting I was leaving it late. When I got pregnant? A female friend, in complete seriousness, asked if it was a mistake. Many people try to share their baggage and it’s hard not to take it on. But happiness lies in leaving it where it belongs and doing the best you can for you. Last piece (of my possibly take it or leave it baggage)? One of my most memorable reads in recent years was this book called No Kidding – which was a collection of essays by women who didn’t have kids and why. There are many paths to a fulfilling life.
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Thank you.
I will try to get it on amazon or something though, honestly I don’t know how I would find it as I’m not a woman but a man with a vagina who still has the capacity to birth children but chooses not to.
I am certainly 100% on the whole not wanting to have kids, but my partner does want kids. I suppose that’s the plus side of poly, that they can choose to find someone who would be able to fill that void that I can’t.
Thank you for your comment
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Ah – I missed that piece of it. I really enjoyed the essays for the number of different ways life can happily happen outside of having children even if you “have the power”. My mom was always rather “que sera sera” about the whole thing and while I’m (obviously) happy with how that went, I also honestly think she’d have been equally happy the other way. It’s hard when couples want different things as far as kids go.
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Haha to be honest my mum us exactly the same way. Though she’s entirely happy about having children, I don’t think she would have minded not having them either.
She doesn’t pressure any of us, luckily about the possibility of her being a grandma, I think my sister may have kids, but I think that would be it.
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Good to have that no pressure zone – mine is the same.
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I never considered myself the maternal type until I got to the age of 26 and suddenly my biological clock woke up. Seriously, I can still remember that desperate need to have a baby, even though I knew it was crazy. I was in a settled relationship with my now-husband, but we were skint and in tons of debt. Not much difference now really, except we have 2 children and a mortgage… 😉 My point is that like you say, each of us is on a unique journey. Do what feels right for you.
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I’ve always thought people push the kid thing so hard as a sort of “misery loves company” thing. Hubby and I have been married for eight years, and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard every possible reason why we “should” have kids. Neither of us have ever wanted them, so that’s never going to happen, but some people just don’t get that. I’ve mostly learned to ignore them and go about my life of sleeping through the night, not dealing with diapers, etc. quite happily.
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Kai and I have been together for 4 years and now the big 3-0 is approaching, everyone’s started.
It’s weird. People are weird
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