So today one of the wisest people I know spoke to me and told me in all honesty what I have needed to hear in a very long time.
You cannot physically do both. They are two chains that are pulling you in opposite directions. One gives you freedom to say what you want but at a cost that means you have to fight. The other let’s you work in the community but you have to suck up to the people you hate.
The fact is, its the truth. I have been juggling between both of them and my activist work has fallen behind because I am now in a position that I cannot have my name thrown around. I agreed that because of the groups that I am involved in that I wouldn’t do anything to tarnish their name or stop them from getting funding.
This has however put me in a position where I hate. I hate sucking up to people I honestly cannot stand. I hate seeing bullshit happen in front of my eyes and not say anything. I hate a small proportion of the community and I havnt outed all of the law breaking bullshit that’s happened in the past year because I do not want it to affect the groups that I’m in.
The truth is, many things have happened recently, many things I could have outed very publicly but I was aware of the cost of it if I did. I do not want to step down from my community work. When you are an activist, its exhausting. It is frustrating and it gets you down a large portion of the time. However when you see something finally work or get better its so rewarding.
If you remember what happened this time last year involving a post that went viral involving a LGBT event in Brighton, it tore my fucking heart out to write it. I took literally no pleasure out of it. The amount of shit I got from it was huge (including the organisation itself), however the support was far greater. However I’m in a position now where I can’t mention it or direct you to it, but I never deleted it. Just saying.
I feel like now I have a censor bar on me continually. If you have been with me from the beginning you will know that I started this with no intention of anyone even being a reader, let alone seeing how many people now read my shit every day. This blew up faster then I had even imagined. I mean come on , I’m Dyslexic, I’m queer and I’m really fucking rude. The popularity of this has now meant I can’t actually mention certain things. Well I can but I can’t actually say what and where. For instance that in the past few months I’m battling a complaint procedure against a big organisation that just got charity status, or that I am intending to put in an action against another for possibly allowing transphobic shits to parade with LGBT people.
What was my online journal has become something greater to me and also one of my pains in my life right now. I am almost at a cross roads where I’m now having to decide which one of my things I am going to have to give up and I don’t think I’m ready to do that just yet.
