*Content note – Talks of addiction, violence, abuse, rape, miscarriage, abusive step parent*
In the 29 (yes, I’m now 29) years of existence you have taught me so much in my life, and I suppose there will never be an actual chance of doing it to your face. I think its finally about time I actually thanked you.
Thank you for not caring, no really thank you. Whilst you were busy trying to think of many conversations that involved my mum, you never asked about me. Whilst you were grossly trying to ask me about my mums size and whether she was still pretty, I was battling addiction and depression. You taught me that I will have one parent that actually cared about me. And guess what? It wasn’t you.
You taught me how to be a man, and to do the complete opposite of what you did. I remember crying as a kid because I was terrified of becoming you. Mum would console my tears and tell me that I would never be you because I was at least a decent human being.
You taught me that life was filled with disappointments and that even my own father didn’t even want me in their life. I gave you chance after chance of meeting me only to be brushed aside. Its been 6 years since I last saw you.
At my wedding
For 5 minutes
And you insulted my guests and yet again promised that you would see me but never did. You never returned.
I learned from you that men abuse women. I learned that violence went on behind closed doors and that men have tempers. I learned by your actions to fight against brutality and to help victims of violence speak out because what happened to our family should never have happened. Your actions nearly ruined me when I would think that how’s men should treat me. You couldn’t even talk to me when you found out I had been raped and abused by my own partner. Was it because you were genuinely upset or was it because it reminded you of the monster you were?
You taught me to stand up for myself, because you would do fuck all when my step mother would be physically and mentally abusive towards me and my brother as we were children. I’m glad I finally got the courage to tell mum everything she did because we were able to never see her again.
Thank you for coping with my transition the way you did. If it wasn’t for your denial and rejection I would never have worked hard on myself. I wouldn’t have pushed myself to be me. Thank you for never stopping and saying Hi, even though we live only a mile apart and you used to work right next to my flat. Thank you for constantly telling me that my sexuality was a phase and that my mental health issues were nothing. Thank you for not comforting me when I had a miscarriage and thank you for never holding me when I was sad. Thank you for making me believe I was a bad child because my father never loved me.
Most importantly thank you for getting with my mum because she was there to pick up the pieces of my broken existence every time you failed me. She did everything you fucking couldn’t. She is my mother, father and best friend rolled into one, and she taught me more about being a man then you ever could. She taught me that you do not abandon your kids when they come out, you do not abuse your partners and you look after the people you love. That if shits tough you fight.
She taught me that there is still love in this world, and that no matter what or how bad our dads were, she would still be there to support us. Why do you think the moment I came out I changed my surname legally so quickly? It was so I could kill the last connection you had with my life. I took my mums maiden name instead. Because she is my dad.
So yes, thank you for being my father, because I would never be the person I am today. The total opposite of you.
The child you never loved
Sorry to everyone who read this and expected something different. The thing is, I get asked a lot about why I never speak about my biological father, and here is the answers why. He was abusive, and didn’t want me when he realised that being a parent meant actual work.
This will be the only post I ever do about him, and with this I hope to finally close that chapter of my life now.
I know the post is heavy, and I’m sorry if it has affected you in anyway.