We are told from childhood to growing up, that part of succeeding in life is to commit to one partner, bash out a few kids and eventually loose your mind before you die. What happens if you don’t want that? What is so wrong about staying single, that so many people are scared of dying alone? What if you are happy just being you?
We are told often by peers, by society, by the world that loving ourselves is fucking selfish. That it makes you vain and undesirable. Do you know what I say to that? FUCK OFF. We are allowed to love ourselves.
We often put our own feelings behind others and whilst it can make us feel better, we need to take time to look after ourselves. I know for some people that they are unable to love themselves, or that they choose to put others before there own needs AND THAT IS ALSO OK!!! As long as you are doing what makes you happy, you do it. I’m here spouting on about how you should love yourself and that relationships are not the be all and end all. I don’t even follow my own advice at times. Hell most of the time I hate myself, hate my body and would rather attempt suicide again then talk about self care. Do you know what a huge part of self care is? Knowing your own limitations, and if you cannot love yourself, a partner or even family, IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU A FAILURE. It makes you human, and you are allowed to feel however you want to feel without people judging you.
Whilst I am dating two beautiful people, I am fully aware that I also need to spend time with myself. A plus side of me being an insomniac is that I have night times to myself. I am able to blog (its 3:39am right now and I’m here) and I’m able to process feelings without complications or having to communicate with others.
It has taken a very long time for me to get it into my head that I am entitled to have time to myself. I felt originally that I wasn’t allowed to enjoy my own company and that it was wrong. Its amazing how things like that get engrained into your brain so easily. It also takes a very long time to drop the guilt in your head when you realise you NEED time to yourself.
So why is this in the “Queer Dating” segment I hear you ask? If you think I’m filling up gaps and running out of ideas you would be wrong. Sometimes dating isn’t about the other partners, the build up, the sex. Sometimes its about YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT. Its about dating yourself at times. And its something we all do not do enough!
So how do you date yourself? Well the simple answer is what do you like doing? Personally for me, nothing says romantic night for one quite like a curry for two (of which I will eat all of it) a good movie, a bubble bath or lush bomb bath and possibly find some good porn and explore myself.
*** MOTHER IF YOU ARE READING THIS I AM SORRY ***
There is still shame in society (especially with women and trans people) that masterbation is a sinful act and its gross. It is not (unless of course you don’t actually like it). Wanking is stress relieving, achieving orgasm can relax you, send you to sleep, cheer you up and it feels fucking good.
Honestly if you can, give yourself one evening/afternoon/morning a week where you can spend time with yourself and be intimate. If you are uncomfortable about using your hands (or physically unable to) there are wonderful toys out there. From bullets, to pocket pussies, to rampant rabbits. There is 1000s of different toys out there designed to aid in self love.
Masterbation also helps you find what you also like and don’t like when it comes to your body, and helps you explore your own sexuality without judgement or explanation. Personally I prefer it to anonymous hook ups purely because I don’t have to explain to someone what I do and don’t like. I also enjoy using toys often and have quite a collection depending on my mood. I enjoy butt stuff and I also enjoy vaginal, and when I’m with lovers (who are not trans aware) I am suddenly demasculinized because of that. I’ve always said that my genitals have never been an issue to me, because I always see my cunt as a “mans cunt” but with lovers, as opposed to myself, my sexuality and gender have been challenged in ways I do not like.
Dating yourself can be tough. You may feel like you do not deserve it. You may feel like its a stupid thing to do, and that it wouldn’t help you in the slightest. It might not, I do not know you or your life. I would like it though that everyone out there could take some time, (be it 5 minutes or several weeks) to think about what makes you as an individual happy. Build yourself up, start doing small things like buying that coffee cake you really fancy, and work your way up to having a weekend to yourself, stuck in your lounge pants watching terrible movies.
I’m not saying its easy, but sometimes you just need to love yourself before you can let anyone else in, and everyone deserves love, even if its just from yourself.