Recently I have been struggling. I don’t know what it us with the summer but it always gives me the blues.
I think that recently I have noticed that a few of my friends (who are also trans) have been going further on there route to becoming happier within themselves then I have. I know that its a bloody awful waiting system at gender clinics and that my case isn’t a open and shut case , but I’ve just finished another summer stuck in a fucking binder that causes me to over heat. All I want to do is be like every other man out there and be shirtless, and not be stuck with these huge boobs. It depresses me that I have to wear clothes that hide my figure, otherwise I’m called “she” the whole time.
I think I’m finding especially hard because Kai had his chest surgery last year, and he had been a million times happier. He is developing into a hairy happy human, and yes that makes me happy but sometimes it feels really depressing, because I want to also feel like that. I hate being jealous over my own partner, but that’s what it is. I’m jealous that he’s not got what I want to remove.
I think its because I’ve been thinking lots about gender, and gender perception. I have always been taught that its not what you wear or what your body shape is, you are who you are. But who am I? I know I’m Tyler, I’m on the non binary trans masculine side of life, but what else am I ?
I know that in the autumn months I find things easier because I’m not hot all the time and that I can wear layers without dying of heat exhaustion. That and well autumn is the best season.
Tyler Charles Austen 