Now before I properly get into this I am going to have to content warn this post. There is a lot of talk of self harm, depression and mental health issues, and this post will not be suitable for people who will not be able to cope with that. Please do not read this if you cannot cope with the subject matter. Always remember to look after yourself and seek appropriate help when in times of crisis.
So I was going through my old photos and I came across this picture of me. Pre transition, a few years old, Making an mask during my art leadership and peer education qualifications.
Now the first thing you probably notice is that I have some serious concentration face. And yes that’s true, I really do. The second thing you may notice is that I’m cut up to shit all over my arms. I edited this photo because the original photo showed it in all its glory (lol because self mutilation could be glory). I did this because I had to. Not for everyone on here, but for myself. I could not face seeing it like that.
Now rewind back to this photo. This was 2012. June I believe. I know this because , one (the obvious) I was going through my Facebook and found when it was uploaded. Two, I’m making a mask, it was the last thing I did in my course work to demonstrate I could learn a new skill and Three, it was probably the last time I cut myself up to this sort of level.
Now before people talk about how cutting yourself is “emo” and you should just “not do it”. It was a coping mechanism for what my head couldn’t deal with internally. This time that I had done it was also just before a suicide attempt. This was also the most painful moment in my life where my nan had just passed. I know I have been brutally honest throughout my blog posts, but its one thing I’m still not ready to talk about. I may do one day, I may not. This post is not one of those.
A few days after this picture was taken I drank my weight in alcohol, I got home, picked up a kitchen knife, a plastic bag and a tie. I then hung myself in my bathroom. There was no note, no warning. I just did it. I would never paint a romantic picture and make it deep and meaningful. IT WASNT THAT. It was cold, thoughtless and I had no care for peoples thoughts and emotions. At that period of time, I wanted to die. I didn’t care whether people knew my reasons or otherwise. It was utterly selfish.
Now as you can guess, considering my method/s, why am I here writing this? Because I didn’t live alone. My partner at the time, needed a piss and found me. He woke up in the middle of the night and found me hanging in the bathroom and cut me free. Again I’m not going to paint a pretty picture, it wasn’t. I was a total wreck. There was no “I love you’s” , no “baby its OK” or even “why?”. There was none of that. If he could have kicked my arse he fucking would have. He screamed at me and told me how fucking selfish I had become. How I obviously didn’t care about everyone else around me and that I needed to sort my shit out before I ended up dead.
It was the wake up call I needed in my life. From that point on I needed to stop fucking up my life. Stop destroying everything. I stopped excessively drinking and started taking care of my damaged liver. I started taking care of myself. And I came to the conclusion that I had to finally come out. I had to finally stop being the person I was because I would just end up dead. I came out, and yes in the process lost a few friends. But as you can see, I have gained far more than that.
Now I’m not going to lie. I believe I had one or two relapses of self harm past that point and attempted suicide last year. I slipped up and made mistakes. However the difference in them now, to what they were then. Is that I know what the problems are. I know how to resolve them and rather than close myself off and think I’m fucking superman. I actually get off my arse and try and make myself better. I’m also not going to say that I’m magically better. I will be like this for probably my whole life, and I take each day as it comes. But its better then what it used to be, and right now, that’s the only thing that counts.
Motivational picture added so it will possibly be the main picture of this blog.
Though you can actually use it in your life
Note: any fires caused by readers are not my fault.