Today I celebrate 2 years of me being on hormones. I am probably assuming that people are probably wanting to hear how its changed my life, and yes I will be talking about that. But first I would like to say that honestly, regardless on how you transition, how you decide where and when you are going, where you decide to stop. YOU ARE PERFECT. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise! Your transition is YOURS and yours alone. There is no right way, no wrong way, there is your way.
CW – Hormones, Sex, Genitals, Depression, Self harm. Please don’t read further if you feel you might be affected by this.
So I started hormones on the 12th August 2013. I didn’t choose to go via a GIC for them. I went straight to the Endocrine team in Brighton and Hove. After 4 months from my initial appointment and a psychiatric assessment, I was given the go ahead. My voice started cracking, and my clitoris grew pretty quickly. And I’m talking within a couple of weeks. I’m not going to lie, it terrified me. I had been told that changes are slow. And I truly wasn’t expecting it. It honestly made me feel like a freak, and I couldn’t be touched by anyone. Have you ever felt so sexually frustrated but can’t have anyone touch you? The only thing I could do was masterbate, and when I did have sex, it became so painful.
I developed terrible mood swings, hated myself, hated my body, I honestly wanted to die. I think I only self harmed once and that was right at the beginning. Its been probably nearly 2 years since I have cut, so that’s a huge thing for me too. The longest I had ever managed was like a year. However I had contemplated suicide many times during my transition. I realised that it was the brand I was on. Turns out Sustanon isn’t that great if you have mental health issues.
I moved onto nibedo, every ten weeks and things improved greatly. I only experienced the mood swings towards the end of my shots, and it is more of a gradual release of hormones. I haven’t changed my shots since and I’ve noticed so much more improvement.
Its only been the past few months that I’ve been getting face fuzz. And not even a beard, just patchy face pubes. I don’t think I’m going to get much more than that if I’m honest.
As I said that I developed sex issues when I started hormones. They never truly went away, but honestly that’s because as the years have progressed I have struggled more and more with body image. Yeah I can have sex every now and again, but honestly its a struggle. A lot of people become more sexually active, I was not one of them.
I would talk more about it. And I would like to, but it has been a bitter double edge sword for me. It has brought on my arthritis on sooner than expected, and now its at a point where I am in constant pain. The injections have also been wasting my muscles away and there is talks about either changing sites or moving onto a different brand again. So yeah, that’s why this post isn’t exactly as informative as it can be. I may revise it further along, when I feel more comfortable.