Hi, this is me, Tyler and this is probably the worst way to start a blog, but they are the several significant chapters in my life, so I thought it would be a great way for me to introduce myself
*The amount of days I have been with Kai
*The amount of months I have been on T
*The amount of years (next month) I have been on this earth
Kai – now I could go on like I normally do and call him every name under the sun, but it is always in jest. Apart from my mother, he has been my sturdy anchor on a ship that has passed rocky ocean and now taking a breather before heading for a tidal wave.
Though we haven’t exactly been getting along with a good chunk of our relationship, I have not valued a mans opinion in my life, like i do with him. Its not like I have not loved him, far from it. But imagine two guys going through gender reassignment at the same time, hormones starting 4 months between each other, and both having mental health issues, its not going to be sunshine and rainbows. Its tough, but honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way. He knows exactly how I’m feeling, because we are both going through the same thing at the same time.
Anyone who can still be there for me, even after my suicide attempt last year, my neurotic behaviour and god awful bed hair and foul mood first thing in the morning, quite clearly deserves a medal. This is the reason why he’s a keeper, for not running away during the darkest parts and knowing my secrets. For that reason, I am marrying that man. I could go on and on about him, but he will just get a big head. He’s, just him. Not perfect, but mine.
Testosterone – Ah , my beautiful but very frustrating double edge sword. Anyone who tells you that the ride is easy, is a fucking liar or has the strength (both mentally and physically) of a blacksmiths hammer. Only recently have I started to make peace with my own body and that’s because I’m in enough pharmaceutical drugs to open up a small chain of chemists.
My body has changed shape more times than I have ordered coffee.
My body issues destroyed me for the first few months of T.
Realising that my mother (and other people) is probably going to read this, so you might want to skip the next paragraphs if sexual discussion is a trigger or just uncomfortable.
Before T I used to be a total horny bastard, doing it twice a day wasn’t enough for me, it was shagging , eating and sleeping. When I started T, I was still horny, for 2 weeks. I then found so much as getting naked in front of my partner was just too much for me. Though my sexual urges were pretty strong, the thought of him touching me, or seeing my body being weird stopped me from getting intimate with him.
As certain parts of my body grew, I found it almost compulsory to start masterbating quite regularly, but not for the sexual gratification, but to just stop the excruciating frustration of growth happening in my pants. I had the worst wankers cramp for a good few weeks .
Most of this happened though whilst I was on sustanon, and once I switched to nibedo, my irrational behaviour and “habits” started to decrease. Last month was the first time we had sex, since October, and I’m slowly getting over my body hang ups.
After 6 months, I had gained so much weight, I had 3 chins. This however went just after I hit the year mark, and since then have been steadily loosing weight to hit my ideal goal.
My depression went through wild stages, and although I thought I was over my extreme fluctuations when I moved to nibedo, last October I attempted suicide. I’m still getting over that fact, I had spent a long time fighting my feelings and working on how to be a better person, I didn’t stop to actually breath and ask myself “Who am I doing this for? Why do I need to impress all the time” . A part of it was the fact of my transition is NOT private. And although I have been happy being so public in the community, some days the questions, and the constant misgendering rips into my heart. I would never trade working with such a wonderful organisation as I do, but it can get exhausting.
However, there is a silver lining to it all, my voice got deeper, eventually my body decided to stop fucking about and I lost a lot of weight, I’ve started growing facial hair and I have made some headway to accepting myself, flaws and all.
The impending birthday – urgh I’m getting closer to 28 and its happening so fast. I constantly think about whether I have wasted a lot of my life, and spent a lot of time judging myself.
I then thought about everything I’ve done, everything I’ve lost and what I’ve brought into my life, as a certain line, in a popular film goes
“The circumstances of ones birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are”
This has been my mantra for the past couple of years. Though what has happened before you, let that not stop you from being the best you. I often thought that if I had changed choices in my life, or things hadn’t happened, the positives in my life wouldn’t be here.
In short, though times have been shitty on occasions, I know in my heart, I have worked to be a better person. I hope in the next 28 years, I can still think about that about myself.
The film was “Pokemon” the first movie by the way.